Page 121 of Touch of Class

“So many,” Tegan muttered, staring at the ceiling.

“But they don’t all have to be answered tonight,” Brooke said. “We certainly didn’t mean to barge in on you. We were concerned after you canceled sessions and didn’t answer your phone. We were going out to dinner to talk about what to do when we saw your car here.”

“It’s fine,” Gillian said. “I was in a long meeting this afternoon, and I did see missed calls, but I wanted to talk to Daphne first, and then we, sort of … lost track of time.”

Robin snickered. “I know it’s not a euphemism, but it kind of feels like one.”

Gillian shook her head. “I’m sorry I didn’t keep you all in the loop, but there wasn’t a loop until a couple of days ago, and I didn’t really understand much until today.”

“You don’t owe us anything,” Brooke said gently.

“I do.” Gillian sank onto the couch, not sure she had the strength left to remain upright through this next part. “I actually owe you a lot, so much gratitude for all the support you’ve given me, some apologies for how I’ve held you at arm’s length, probably some explanations about how and why I let myself slip further and further away. I’m not sure any of those things will stand up to scrutiny, and I’m not sure I made conscious choices, but it’s clear to me now I chose to focus too much on work instead of our relationships.”

Tegan finally turned to face her, and even Robin’s cheeky expression softened as she said, “You’re the world’s best boss.”

“Thank you, but I wish I’d focused more on being the world’s best friend. Instead, I tried to make everything cut-and-dried; the practice, our clients, the rules, my own standards. I’ve been moving through life like I’m puddle-jumping from one crisis to another.”

Brooke blew out a heavy breath. “Maybe that’s because we’ve put you through one crisis after another.”

“You haven’t,” Gillian said quickly. “I convinced myself you had, but Daphne helped me see you didn’t do anything to me. We all went through some stuff together. None of it should’ve been a crisis on my end. You weren’t asking me to solve anything or fix anything. All any of you needed from me was faith and support and presence.”

“But being the one everyone turns to all the time can take a toll,” Tegan said. “We could’ve done a better job of supporting you, too.”

“I didn’t welcome that,” Gillian admitted. “I wanted to be seen as unflappable, and I think I took solace in being the one you trusted to steer the ship. I still want that, but I never wanted to make any of you feel like your lives and your relationships were an imposition on me. Your friendship never has been. I love you all so much, I wanted to give you the best, but in trying to do so, I started to treat some of your most human traits and interactions like problems I needed to manage. Brooke, Tegan, I should’ve been a friend before I became a boss, and Robin and Sawyer, I got so caught up trying to force all the old pieces back into place, I didn’t even notice you two were building something bigger.”

“That’s the way it goes,” Sawyer said. “We didn’t know, either, until we did. We all figure things out in our own time.”

“I’m done trying to figure things out for everyone else.” She cast Daphne a sideways grin. “I may not even be trying to figure everything out for myself all the time. There’s a new thing I’m trying to learn.”

“Yeah?” Robin bounced a bit on the desk. “What’s that?”

“Well …” Gillian glanced around the room, still not believing what she was about to say to every mental health professional she most respected simultaneously. “This may sound revolutionary, but apparently when I start to feel myself freaking out about all the things I don’t know about the future or another person, I can choose to just not.”

All her friends exchanged bemused looks, then burst out laughing.

“I know,” she called over the top of them. “The methodology is a little undeveloped.”

“Not at all,” Sawyer said, still holding their side. “I like it.”

“Me too.” Robin said. “Let’s all try. Everyone who’s freaked out about finding our boss and best buddy, post-bang session with our other friend, who is also her archnemesis, let’s just not do that.”

“Okay.” Tegan took a deep breath in through her nose and out through her mouth, then gave her shoulders a little shake. “Letting go. Nothing to freak out about, and … I’m doing it. Totally okay.”

“I was already there,” Sawyer added. “I never started freaking out in the first place. I mean, I’m curious about how this happened and what exactly is happening, but I’m a fan.”

“We’ve had a few … incidents over the last two weeks, and things escalated in the past couple of days, but, honestly, we didn’t make any official declarations until this evening,” Gillian said. “It’s one of those trajectories that makes most sense in retrospect.”

“I dig it.” Robin said. “Like going all the way back to the first day when we all kept thinking there was something there, but you two swore there wasn’t, when what none of us knew was that there was something that hadn’t come to the surface yet.”

“So,” Tegan started. “Tonight, you two finally jumped into—”

“—bed!” Robin supplied.

“I was going to say ‘a relationship,’” Tegan corrected. “But sure, yeah, I mean you were also in bed. I’m not sure we can pretend not to know that, but I guess I’m more asking about what’s the status going forward.”

“Great question,” Gillian said, “and one we’re figuring out. We want to make something work. We love each other enough to have faith in our ability to do that, even though we don’t know all the details or even have a plan yet, which is one more thing on the Just Not list of concerns right now.”

“That’s amazing. I love this new philosophy for you. You’re turning my freak-out into a geek-out,” Robin said. “Should we high-five?”