Page 71 of Touch of Class

“I didn’t exactly do much early on to break any of our old patterns, so I understand why you might’ve felt that way.”

Gillian shrugged. “I’m not saying I wouldn’t also accept a few apologies from you on that count, but I am saying I’m sorry for all my parts in how things went awry … again. I still have a lot of concerns, but those are mine to deal with, and I should’ve handled them better or treated you better. I also know I can be prickly, but I’m not a hypocrite. I hold myself to the same standards I hold everyone else to. Or at least I try. I want to believe I’m still learning and challenging myself to grow, which means sometimes I’ll get things wrong, whether it’s about high school memories or a current ethical crisis.”

“Is it me?” Daphne teased. “Am I your current ethical crisis? Or do you keep multiple plates spinning in that area to stay in shape?”

Gillian cocked her head to the side as if giving the question serious thought. “There’ve been a few lately.”

Daphne’s curiosity got the better of her. “Does it have to do with whatever you and all your friends danced around with Brooke and Tegan, or something about Sawyer and Robin, and something sinister about Sawyer’s mom?”

Gillian eased onto the end of the futon. “It’s all gotten very complicated.”

“And we all know how well you enjoy complicated emotions.”

She nodded tightly, and Daphne noticed the hints of hurt creeping in again. That was not good. She couldn’t handle vulnerable Gillian. It made her feel vulnerable, too. “Hey, you must be a really good friend if you’re sitting with so much discomfort on your end and still showing up to help your friends find ways to be happy.”

“I’m a terrible friend,” Gillian said flatly.

“I don’t think that’s true,” Daphne said softly. “Your people adore you. They’d follow you into battle if you asked them to. I’ve seen the way they look at you with awe and admiration.”

“Because I’m a good boss,” Gillian said matter-of-factly, “and it was very important I become that. I worked hard to learn, to be better than my mentor on that front.”

“Sawyer’s mother?”

She nodded. “I wanted to create a workspace where they felt safe and valued, and I think I did, but the more energy I put into being a great boss, the worse I became as a friend.”

“Hard to believe.”

“It’s true. I didn’t handle Brooke and Tegan’s disaster well.”

Daphne grimaced. “You don’t still refer to their origin story that way, do you?”

“Only in my inside voice, but I know part of what made it spiral out of control was how I approached them both. Honestly, maybe things had already begun spiraling by then, because Brooke didn’t call in the first place. Even before that, Sawyer had left us. Then when they came back, I was still reeling from Brooke and Tegan, my fear of what I had almost let happen on my watch.” Gillian’s voice caught, and she blinked a few times as if to steady herself. “I completely missed Robin and Sawyer until they were in deep, and Maura had already … God I never … I didn’t see the full scope of the pain she inflicted. I don’t think I wanted to.”

“Hey.” Daphne placed a hand on her leg, risking the type of touch they’d both shied away from, but she didn’t know any other way to reach for a drowning person than with her hands. The connection seemed to jolt Gillian back into the moment over the ones she’d been reliving.

“Anyway,” she said, “I’d spent so much time and energy trying to become the type of boss I wanted to be, I missed out on being the type of friend my friends needed in those moments.”

“It’s not too late. They’re all still here, every day. You could become a better friend now. You’re maddeningly good at being whatever you need to be.”

Gillian gave her a half-smile. “It almost sounded like a compliment that time you said it, but they don’t need me anymore. They have each other.”

“I’m not sure it’s possible to have too many friends who care as much as you do.”

“I think I missed my windows.”

“And you’ll keep missing them if you don’t break the pattern,” Daphne pushed.

“Brooke doesn’t even joke with me anymore,” Gillian pushed back. “We used to be irreverent together. We went through so many hard things, big things by laughing in the face of them, and what happened with Tegan should’ve been funny, maybe the funniest coincidence of all times. Instead, it was serious and got downright dangerous.”

Daphne frowned. “Is it dangerous now?”

“No.” She shook her head as if she needed to make that sink in.

“Then if the danger has passed, maybe you could ask for a do-over on the funny part.”

“I don’t know what that would look like.”

Daphne’s face warmed at the idea before it even hit her lips. “You got a good start on reauthoring our prom narrative. If you can go back and collect a kiss from more than twenty years ago, surely you can face your best friend about a girl she slept with last year.”