Page 550 of Lessons in Cruelty

Thank God Haven said she wanted to swim in the ocean. When I cracked a smile for the first time in what felt like years, and told her she’d die trying, we both started laughing.

Felt like the glass of the snow globe we were trapped in finally burst.

I knew what I was doing to her back then, after I left Riverside. Knew it, because our separation nearly fucking killed me…and I knew she felt exactly the same.

But I didn’t have a choice.

My family shed Riverside like a snakeskin. I couldn’t mention it without getting a sour look from my dad. The kind of look that promised a backhand if I kept going.

And then there was Ezra.

If my parents were fighting a war against Riverside, then he was the fucking general of their army. He played Punch Buggy with me, except I’d get a fist in the side any time I mentioned Riverside, our old single-wide, or Haven.

I didn’t blame him back then, and I still don’t.

My memories of Riverside were the wood’s sun-dappled clearings, and Haven’s beautiful blue eyes.

His were nothing but pain.

But Haven is right.

I could have stood up for her. For Riverside.

I could have, should have, fought.

Except…

Losing Haven didn’t feel bad at first.

It felt…righteous. Like I’d chosen good over bad.

Dad hitting Ezra? Bad.

Mom standing idly by? Bad.

Me abandoning my brother? Bad.

Being with Haven? Good.

Chasing away my gloomy thoughts with games? Good.

Suddenly realizing Haven was a girl and I was a boy? Bad.

Thinking about doing adult things with her? Really bad.

Using our games to sate the curiosity that just kept growing and growing the older I got? So bad, it was criminal.

So, yeah, I should have fought. But once I realized I’d be fighting for something bad, I couldn’t. So, I just let it happen. And the longer we were apart, the easier it became. The more righteous I felt.

Now she’s expecting me to put all of that shit into words. And I know I have to try, because I owe her that much. But how am I supposed to admit that I was in love with her way before I should have been?

I want—need—her to see the good in me.

Not the bad I keep trying to convince myself isn’t there.

Haven shivers so loudly I hear her teeth chatter before she clenches her jaw.

I stand. Her shoulders slump. And there’s a knot in my throat because I don’t want to go back inside anymore than she does.