Page 196 of The Encore’s Crown

When we reach my apartment, exhaustion has settled into my bones. We undress in the same silence. There’s no teasing when she unbuttons my shirt, no grin when I slide her dress from her shoulders. Our clothes fall in a quiet trail toward the bathroom. She turns on the shower, and we step beneath the water together. Usually, showering with Natalia lasts about thirty seconds before one of us forgets the original purpose. Tonight, we wash each other almost mechanically. Her palms pass over my shoulders. Mine move down her back. She tilts her head while I rinse shampoo from her hair, eyes closed beneath the water.

There’s intimacy in it, but the hunger is suppressed under the dull shock of it all. We dry off and climb into bed naked, curling toward each other beneath the sheets. Natalia rests her head on my chest while I stare at the ceiling. Her hand glides over my stomach in gentle, soothing passes. The apartment feels so quiet after the television, the shouting and the bottle shattering across the floor.

I open my mouth twice before anything comes out.

“Do you want out?”

Her hand stops. “What?”

“Do you want out of this?”

She lifts her head, but I keep staring upward.

“Because I wouldn’t fucking blame you.”

Natalia pushes herself upright. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“This. My family. Him. Me. All of it.”

She swings one leg over me and settles across my hips, pressing both hands firmly into my chest. “Kiri Chhim, why are you saying something so stupid?”

“I’m serious.”

“So am I. Of course I don’t want out.”

My hands find her thighs, kneading them out of nerves versus desire for once. “It’s a fucking mess, Nat. No one should have to stick around for it. If I could trade in my own family, I would.” The corner of my mouth twitches. “Even Rithy sometimes.”

She doesn’t let me hide behind the joke. Her hands slide up and take my face between them.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“You saw what he’s like, heard what he said. You saw how Ma always defends his ass.”

“Please.” Her thumbs sweep over my cheeks. “It takes more than one decaying bully with a drinking problem to scare a Polish internet empress.”

“Empress, huh?”

“It’s better than dumb blonde bitch.”

The words make me wince, and her expression softens.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

“For what?”

“That you had to see that. Hear that. All the bullshit.”

“I’m sorry you had to live through that bullshit for years.” She leans closer. “Why are you apologizing to me?”

“Because you deserve better. Than this.” My hand lifts to her jaw, cupping her face, and she leans into my touch. Something swells inside me, aching with a tenderness I don’t know what to do with. I know what it is. There’s no point pretending I don’t. So why can’t I fucking say it? “Than me.”

Her eyes narrow, but before she can argue, the truth comes out.

“Because I love you.”

The room goes completely still. Her lips part, and all I can hear is my own breathing. I’ve imagined saying it a hundred different ways. Somewhere beautiful or private. After a perfect night when I could make the words sound worthy of her. Instead, I say it while she’s sitting naked on top of me after watching me nearly put my father through a wall. Maybe that’s more honest.

“I love you,” I say again. “And I’d tear my fucking world apart before I'd ever let someone speak to you like that again."