Page 136 of Fame & Rhythm

Mum checks in on me every day, and every day, I tell her I’m fine.

Every day, I lie.

Because the truth is… I’m drowning, and I don’t even know why.

I hate feeling like this. I don’t want to be this person, but I don’t know how to stop it.

Aston is always there—in my thoughts, in everything I do. It’s like my heart is punishing me for walking away.

And seeing him with Amber? It’s doing my fucking head in.

They’re always touching, always close. I’ve never seen them kiss, which is something, at least, but I don’t know what happens when I’m not around. And that thought eats at me.

One night, I tried to make him jealous.

I went up to Nate, Danger’s drummer from Recoil, and started flirting with him right in front of Aston.

It didn’t work.

Amber swooped in almost instantly, wrapping herself around Aston like she owned him.

Oh my God, did that make my chest ache in the most painful of ways.

Instead of making him jealous… it just made me miserable.

I walked away.

I felt his eyes on me as I left, but he didn’t follow.

I didn’t just lose my boyfriend. I lost my best friend, my only real friend.

Now I’m just… there.

The girl no one talks to in case she snaps.

My temper’s worse, and I argue with everyone.

Except when it comes to the band.

Then I say nothing.

I don’t contribute. I don’t care about direction or ideas. I just agree and do what I’m told.

I know it frustrates Dad, but…

What’s the point?

The joy is gone, like everything else. And these last six months have felt like a hell I can’t escape.

Now I’m back in my own bed for the first time in half a year.

It’s comfortable and familiar, but I still can’t sleep. I rarely do anymore. Instead, I lie here and think about Aston.

About us.

About everything we had.

Every single night, the same cycle.