Page 138 of Fame & Rhythm

Two days later, Mum took me to see Dr. Ludwick. We talked through everything… my past, Aston, and how I’ve been feeling.

After some assessments, she said I have depression and prescribed medication. I was hesitant at first, but if it might help, I’m willing to try. I left feeling a little lighter, like finally saying it all out loud took some of the weight off. Mum helped when I couldn’t speak, filling in the gaps, especially about how I feel unworthy of love.

Dr. Ludwick said that belief isn’t true, and with time and therapy, she hopes to help me see that.

I’m not sure I believe it.

But I do want to feel better.

Age 19

Another six months pass, and it’s been just over a year since I ended things with Aston.

Since we got back from tour, Mum and I have been going to counseling every week. With a lot of pushing and honesty, I am starting to see things differently. A different way of looking at it, for which I am grateful.

Maybe my birth parents didn’t give me up because I wasn’t worth loving.

Maybe they did it because they did love me.

Maybe they wanted something better for me than what they could give.

Dr. Ludwick says not knowing the reason is what’s been driving all of this, and that I’ve filled in the blanks with the worst possible version of the truth. She’s trying to get me to accept that not knowing might actually be a good thing.

To focus on what I do have.

A family.

A home.

Ella.

A life I never would have had otherwise.

And I am grateful, I really am.

The people around me think I’m doing better.

And I know I am… a little.

The medication helps. The days aren’t as heavy anymore. But what they don’t know is what happens at night.

I sneak out.

I go into town, usually the pub, and the bouncer lets me straight into the VIP section. Not because I’m special, just because they know who I am.

And then I drink.

I dance.

I kiss random guys.

Anything to feel something.

Anything to feel connected, even if it only lasts a few minutes.

Mum thinks the medication is making me tired during the day, she has no idea it’s the hangovers.

Aston and Amber have gotten closer. She’s always around when we perform, which isn’t often anymore, but still enough.