Page 88 of Hilarina and the Ogre

“I would kill them again, Hil. It wasn’t enough to do it once. I’m so sorry I ran. I never meant to, not with Amelia either. There’s no excuse, and I’m not making one, but Hilary, I think I could have faced it better if I’d loved you less.”

Hilary didn’t answer. He couldn’t, absorbed with the work of the scissors and not accidentally impaling him. Trenton could have suggested a knife. The ones in the kitchen were certainly sharp enough, but saying so would only instigate another panic attack. So he could only wait there and try to keep still, though every cell in his body was thrumming with fifteen years of on-again, off-again memories not nearly enough to quench the need for this man.

“If I could have made them take me instead. If I could go back—”

“They did take you. They took us both, Trenton.”

“But they didn’t. Because to you, they—” He couldn’t say it. Even fifteen years later. Even when he’d been forcing Hilary to face it by himself all this time. “To you, they—”

The scissors shot upward, nearly clipping Trenton in the face as they suddenly broke through the tape. His hands came apart in a snap of force, and Hilary crowed with triumph, sounding so like himself, so much like the usual Hilary, that it brought out the sob Trenton had been holding back even as he got clumsy arms up around his beloved, his hands useless stumps that couldn’t grip, so he could only sort of smash Hilary against him as the blood pumped furiously through his arms and back into starving fingers. “You gave me the penguin.” It was all flooding in now. More and more, a great unleashing of memory. “Four years ago. And I should have remembered.”

“You kept it.” Hilary sounded a little husky again. “You usually can’t keep the things I gave you. It made me hope a little to see it. As if you were coming closer to me.”

“I was. I was closer. I’ve been coming closer all this time.” And it wasn’t just words. Now that he had more of a global view he could see it, could pinpoint the progress, though he knew that offered little comfort.

“It was worse for you,” Hilary offered. “That’s why you forgot. Because you were forced to be the audience, not because you were weak.”

“I was. I still am. Hilary, if you hadn’t come for me—”

“You would have remembered faster, I think. That’s what mom says. She kept telling me to leave it alone. That a little space would help more than constantly pushing it into your face. But I couldn’t leave you alone, like it was better to have you never remember than be without you, even for a day. I was so stupid. I’m still so stupid. Do you love me?”

“How can you ask that?” It felt as if his ribs were pushing up against the tape, and like any further expansion would have them splintering into shards. “If we did this another thousand times, If I woke up forgetting again every day of forever, it would still be you.”

“You’re supposed to be kissing me.” Tears were spilling over those lids. Every time Hilary cried meant falling for him yet again. “How many times do I have to tell you to kiss me before you finally do it?”

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Seven Journals

In the end, they decided Trenton would stay taped except for his mouth and one arm. Hilary was the one arguing for his freedom, but that was easy enough to rebut. “What’s the problem? I get to spend the day lazing about without a care in the world.”

But Hilary was too smart to fall for that. “You shouldn’t be alone. You’re processing everything for the first time. Look, I can always get another job, right?”

“But you have the day shift. And the hospital is only a twenty-minute walk away.”

“I’ll find something else. Something even better. Shit, if I cry again I’m done for. Do you hear me, asshole? How many times are you going to make me cry in one day?”

“I love you.” He was making up for having his mouth taped, saying it again and again at every opportunity. “I just love you so much.”

Hilary’s final alarm went off. The one that meant he was late. “Shit.”

Trenton took hold of his friend’s face. “I know I only just remembered everything, but I don’t think I’m only finally processing it now. It doesn’t feel new, and I’ll manage. But what about you? Can you handle it? Being away and not having me in sight?”

Hilary scowled. And then his lips began to tremble.

Trenton kissed them, holding him so carefully, his free arm not nearly enough for all the touch he needed. “Then stay. You didn’t sleep enough, in any case. Lie down.”

But Hilary wouldn’t stay. Not if it was only for himself. “I’ll be fine.”

Trenton had doubts about that, but it wasn’t like he could voice them aloud when Hilary was being so brave. “I won’t leave the bed for anything. Not even if the house is on fire.”

“That’s not funny.” And Hilary looked genuinely panicked, as if that were a scenario that had already been occupying his mind. “What if you hurt yourself?”

“How will I hurt myself?”

“I don’t know. You could get an embolism.”

“You already gave me the heparin.” Trenton was still certain the anticoagulant had been overkill, but it wasn’t like it would do him any harm.