Page 40 of Silk and Sensibility

愛之深、怕之切。

As the days of our separation grow, I am beginning to accept how you’re better off without me. Since I may never see you again, I keep these letters as the repository of all my thoughts, regrets, and longings. Though I can only blame myself, it’s impossible for me not to think of you.

—Unsent letter from Fan Enze to Duan Ailin

Chapter 15

Ailin

Over the next few weeks, Ailin was able to keep her family from speaking of Enze again, but she wasn’t able to stop her heart from missing him. Especially when she was invited by Madame Pang to join her and Miss Shen for sewing. Every interaction with Miss Shen pricked like needles from an unskilled acupuncturist, but Ailin couldn’t afford to offend her newest art patron Madame Pang by turning down invitations, even if her needlework was below average. It was unfortunate that Madame Pang assumed she was as skilled in sewing as she was in art after seeing her Guānyīn painting.

“It’s a shame Miss Meilin was too ill to join us today,” Miss Shen said as finished the last seam of a fist-sized purse. Once she completed a basketful of purses, she would stuff them individually with herbs including angelica, peony bark, and honeysuckle to make fragrance sachets to sell in the Jiang family’s shops. She had already earned a respectable amount of money for her dowry this way.

Ailin forced herself to smile. “Thank you for your kind regards. I’ll make sure to let my sister know.” She hoped she sounded convincing. Meilin was often “ill” when invited to gatherings she didn’t care for.

“Is Miss Meilin’s illness serious?” Madame Pang asked. She put the finishing touches on an embroidered pair of mandarin ducks on a red square of silk, a symbol of marriage that made Ailin ache inside.

She looked down at the old socks she was attempting to mend. “My sister frequently catches colds in the wintertime. It’s not a cause for concern.”

“I am glad it’s not something major. I hope Miss Meilin can join us once she feels better,” Madame Pang said with sincerity.

Despite being a reluctant companion with no particular fondness for needlework, Ailin appreciated Madame Pang’s simple kindness. Though married, Madame Pang was only a year older than Ailin, and she was genuinely friendly, unlike her calculating niece.

“Your stitches are so fine, Aunt Pang. Is that how you got Uncle Pang to fall in love with you?” Miss Shen’s flattery dripped with honey.

It seemed effective, because Madame Pang giggled like a girl. “I hope your uncle likes me for more than my needlework, but it certainly helps to have some profitable skills.”

That was an understatement. To secure a matrilocal husband with an education like Master Pang’s, a woman’s family had to be very rich, which the Jiangs were. It was actually inspirational, the way they took hold of their own fates through hard work.

“Speaking of profit,” Madame Pang continued, “your fragrance sachet idea is brilliant, Lusi. Mother told me that if they sell at the rate they’re currently going, then you’ll save enough to marry by summer!”

Ailin’s finger pricked on her needle.

“Oh, I certainly hope so,” Miss Shen replied as she tossed a finished sachet into her basket. “I want to marry into Enze’s family as soon as possible to help him restore the Fan house to its former grandeur.”

“What kind of grandeur are you imagining?” Ailin couldn’t help but ask. On the surface, Miss Shen’s comment sounded like devotion, but it struck Ailin as odd. Enze had never mentioned anything to her about dreams of grandeur, only honor through scholarship and service to country.

Miss Shen picked up another rectangle of silk to sew. “Don’t you know how wealthy the Fan family used to be? After Enze’s father passed, the family lost direction due to misunderstandings between Enze and Madame Fan, but I can help with that.”

“How?” Ailin asked. She knew that the Madame Fan in question was Enze and Fulan’s stepmother, a woman rumored to care only for her own biological son, Fan Ruoze, and was miserly toward everyone else. According to Enze, she was the reason Fulan had grown up hard and defensive.

Miss Shen gave a knowing smile. “My older Uncle Pang was a close friend of Madame Fan’s natal family. He tutored all her brothers before opening his own school. Based on our long family connection, I think she will be predisposed to like me.”

“And she’ll like you even more once you have a bigger dowry,” Madame Pang added. “Especially if you support your man through his years of studies.”

Miss Shen finished another seam. “I hope it won’t take years. Enze should be sensible enough to turn to other pursuits if he fails the first time, don’t you think?”

“You want him to give up so quickly?” Ailin was shocked. Her brother, Junyou, had taken six years and three tries to obtain the jìnshì degree, and that was considered fast. From reading Enze’s practice essays, Ailin knew without a doubt that he would eventually succeed as a scholar, but no one could guarantee how soon it would happen. There were more than a hundred thousand aspiring scholars throughout the empire, but at the palace exams held every three years, less than three hundred would pass and earn the rank of jìnshì. Even earning the chance to get to the palace exams required passing the provincial and metropolitan exams and that was hard enough.

Miss Shen met Ailin’s gaze as she slowed her stitching. “My Enze has always been a dreamer. He can’t help it because of all the books he’s read, but I can help him become more practical. I care about his livelihood.”

Ailin swallowed uneasily. She never thought of Enze as impractical. Though he had dreams, he was self-aware and hardworking. She couldn’t believe Miss Shen was ignoring his strengths while criticizing his aspirations. It made her wonder what Miss Shen actually liked about Enze besides him being the eldest son of the Fan family. Was her claim about Enze wanting to marry her even true?

Meilin had wanted Ailin to press Miss Shen for the truth, and Ailin thought about asking. When she looked at the two women next to her, however, she felt queasy. How could she question Miss Shen in front of her kind aunt? Confrontation would be indecorous.

Frustrated, Ailin refocused her energy on sock mending. I shouldn’t care about Enze so much anymore, she reminded herself. Since her goal was to keep the peace and maintain her family’s dignity, she needed to let go of her feelings for him. If Enze wanted to reach out and clear up the situation, she would welcome it. But if he didn’t contradict Miss Shen, she would accept that he was lost to her and focus on socks. One stitch at a time. Like her heavily conscious breathing. In and out. In and out.

往事重提，因情生妒。