Page 54 of Silk and Sensibility

若是前生未有緣，待重結、來生願。

My longing for you reaches as deep as the sea,

while my thoughts stretch to the sky.

Though ten thousand teardrops break my heart into pieces,

I want to see you. Even if I cannot see you, I cannot let you go.

If destiny failed us in a past life, I would wait for the next, always wishing to be with you.

—Poem by Lè Wǎn, Song dynasty, transcribed by Fan Enze

Chapter 21

Ailin

When Meilin left her alone in the rockery with Enze, Ailin panicked. After so many months of anticipation, she froze. Should she speak first or wait for him? Her nerves frayed as the seconds slipped by.

“It’s good to see you again, Miss Duan.” The knot at his throat bobbed nervously as he swallowed.

Ailin’s heart twinged. He sounded distant, as if the memories they shared at Nuolan Garden were too far away to remember. But Enze was not someone who forgot details, which meant his rigidity was intentional. Ailin steeled herself in response. If he didn’t volunteer any explanations, then she wouldn’t press him.

“I’m glad to see you too,” she said in the polite tone she would use with a stranger.

Enze looked down like a child who had been scolded. “Miss Meilin invited me to come visit you here,” he explained.

Ailin frowned, embarrassed but not surprised by Meilin’s meddling. Even if Meilin viewed Enze like a brother as she claimed, he was not really her relative, so it was inappropriate to have written to him. “I wonder why she did that.”

“I was grateful for her letter,” Enze replied. “I’ve wanted to approach you for months, but I didn’t have the courage. Things didn’t turn out the way we planned after I returned to Hangzhou . . .”

Ailin’s stomach clenched. He was obviously referring to Shen Lusi, and she suddenly didn’t want to hear any more. Words left unsaid could not hurt as much as words in the open. She didn’t want to know what happened between Shen Lusi and Enze. There was only one thing she wanted to know so that she could finally let go of her feelings for him.

“Are you happy that you chose her?”

“Is that what you think?” Enze winced as if he was struck.

A strange response.

He sighed. “I didn’t choose her. We grew up together, so I always treated her as a sister. Teacher Pang asked me on his deathbed to take care of her, so I went to check on her after returning to Hangzhou. But when she found out about my plans to marry you, she grew upset and threatened that I would regret it if I didn’t marry her instead. She seemed so desperate and determined that I didn’t know what to do besides try not to provoke her.”

Ailin blinked in disbelief. “So you didn’t promise to marry her?”

“Never by choice,” he whispered as he hung his head.

Ailin remembered the small silk sachet Shen Lusi had shown her the night they first met. “Did you give her a lock of your hair?”

Enze looked up in alarm. “Of course not. Did she say I did?”

Ailin gripped herself tight as her world shook. He never proposed to her! Enze was bound by a threat rather than a promise. The revelation made Ailin want to cry. Her lips began to quiver so much that she had to bite down to make them stop.

Enze stepped closer, wrapping his arms around her like a blanket. “Please don’t cry, Ailin. It’s my fault. Blame me all you want, but please don’t cry.”

Ailin struggled not to embrace him back, her arms trembling with effort. She longed to cling to him and accept the comfort he offered, but she couldn’t. With her head tucked under his chin, she could hear his heart beating loudly in his chest. His closeness only twisted her heart harder. How could she avoid the pain of separation now? Enze couldn’t protect her while also keeping his promise to his dead teacher. He had two honorable desires that were at odds.

“I stayed away from you as long as I could because I was afraid of dragging you down,” Enze said, earnest and desperate. “I didn’t know if you’d still want to marry me after Lusi’s threat. And I didn’t want to get in your way because there is no end of wealthy men like Master Huang who would gladly have you. But if you still want me, despite all that, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to explain things to Lusi. I would do anything for you, Ailin. I just need to know you still want me . . .”

Enze was giving her a choice. He would fight for their future together if that was what she wanted.