Page 115 of Haunted Spurs

ELM HOLLOW GAZETTE

Local News, Mild Scandals, and Absolutely Essential Truths

by Francis Grande

(Reporter, winner of the latest Haunted Spurs betting pool, and official number one fan)

🔥 FRONT PAGE: STRAWBERRY-FLAVOURED LUBRICANT, BURNING GLANCES, AND DANGEROUS STEPBROTHERS

Dear readers, we asked the producers of Haunted Spurs for a some paranormal thrills, but the only thing catching fire around here is our flat screens!

If you thought the "Mystery Cowboy" plot twist was just the elimination of poor Emerson, you were dead wrong. The masked man is Lucien, and the girl he literally branded as his property is... his sister!

Yeah, yeah, I know (clutch your pearls, puritans)!

Our very own Susan turned out to be the fierce cowgirl Melusine. But the real scoop aired this morning in the kitchen. Melusine spiked Lucien's pancakes with... strawberry-flavored personal lubricant. And his reaction? He forced her to eat it right off his finger in a scene so thick with sexual tension that everyone in Elm Hollow needed a cold shower.

Gazette Verdict: We have no idea what the family dynamics are like at their house, but we can assure you that Thanksgiving dinner must be a decidedly... tense affair.

👑 ROYAL SCANDAL: THE PRINCESS GOES BACK FOR SECONDS

Hold your horses, because we have a new national sport in Elm Hollow: our ex-Princess Carolina is leaving a trail of broken hearts (and ripped denim).

We all saw her shooting not-so-subtle looks at the rodeo brothers, Cade and Cole. But if you thought she was going to limit herself to just choosing one... well, you don't know Carolina.

Viewership has spiked by 200%... if this isn't a dream cast, I don't know what is.

Gazette Verdict: Carolina, you are the heroine we needed.

🕵️‍♂️ MYSTERY OF THE WEEK: RON WILLERS IS UP TO SOMETHING

Hold everything. Let's focus on our favorite "new-cowboy," Ron Willers. Ever since he rolled into town, he's branded himself as the classic sunny good guy—the one who plays with his dog and cracks jokes with everyone.

But our cameras are capturing a completely different story when it comes to his partner, the famous dark romance author Selene Dusk.

Have you noticed how he transforms when she's around? His eyes darken. He physically shields her from other men's stares. And he demanded a brand-new branding iron from production. Said branding iron was never returned.

He smiles too much, she huffs too much. Something is definitely up.

Gazette Verdict: Selene writes smut about dark dominants, but we strongly suspect that her real-life dominant wears a plaid shirt and sports an illegal dimple.

📱 ELM HOLLOW SOCIAL FEED

Trending now: #StrawberryGate#RideATwin #RonWillersDarkEra #HauntedSpurs

📸 @ElmHollowGossipGirl (Post with a screenshot of the kitchen scene)

Text: "I AM SCREAMING. 😱 Lucien shoved his lube-covered thumb into her mouth and told her to 'EAT'. This reality show just shattered every boundary and I am so here for it with my popcorn. Give Aunt Tina an Oscar."

💬 Comments:

@SpicyBookLover99: I need to go to church after watching that scene. But first... can someone drop the link to buy that strawberry syrup? Asking for a friend. 🥵

@RealityTrashTV: Adopted or not, the way he looked at her while she sucked his fingers permanently altered my brain chemistry.

@WadeStanAccount: Emerson's fake murder was the pinnacle of modern television. Lucien wasn't acting, he literally wanted to rip his head off!

🤳 @AuntTinaTok (Video Reaction - 5.2M views)