Page 13 of The Tartan Thesis

I step into an oak-paneled room with shelves full of books on either side of the window behind her. An antique rug softens the floor, fresh flowers sit in crystal vases, and two cream-colored high-backed chairs face her wide, ornate desk. Sunlight spills across the room, catching the glow of several lamps. It feels more like a lounge than an office.

She finishes what she’s doing, her reading glasses low on her nose, then sets her notebook aside and gestures to one of the chairs. “Please, sit.”

She looks up at me over the rims of her half-moons as I take my seat, her hands folded in front of her. She’s just as hard to read now as she is in class. “You’ve been doing well in my course,” she says.

“Thank you, Professor,” I say. My chest puffs up.

“Though I do worry about your relationships with your classmates.”

I instantly deflate.

“My… my classmates?” Or one classmate in particular?

“Yes, I think it would benefit you to consider how you phrase your responses during our discussions. Your insights are brilliant, but they are sometimes lost on your peers because of the way you provide them.”

“I’m not sure I understand, Professor.” I actually think I do understand, but I’m not ready to admit that just yet. My mind flashes to Beau’s long fingers taking notes on my critique.

The corner of her mouth lifts. “I received this feedback during my graduate studies. I recognized the same competitive fire in you the moment I met you, and it will do great things for you if you use it the right way, but it could be disastrous if not controlled.”

“Yes, Professor,” I say, struggling to swallow the lump in my throat.

“Some of the best guidance my advisor ever gave me is something I will now pass on to you: Be tough on the history but gentle with the historian.”

Heat creeps up my neck as I nod. I should have seen this coming. I can sometimes tell when I’ve stepped over the line, but it’s usually not until hours later, replaying the conversation, coming up with a dozen better ways I could’ve phrased something more delicately.

“Thank you, Professor,” I say, trying hard not to squirm in my seat. I’m grateful she cares enough to say something.

She watches me for another moment before pulling her notepad back in front of her. “Now, I believe you’re here to discuss your thesis proposal. Do you have a list of topics to review?”

“No, Professor,” I say as I fumble to pick up my bag.

“No?” she asks, one eyebrow lifting. “You want to brainstorm topics?”

“No, Professor. I have a topic.” I pull out the draft of my proposal. “I don’t have a list because this is the only thing I want to do.”

I glance once more at the title before handing it to her.

“From Clan to Clearance: The Transformation of Highland Social Structures Under British Rule”

“Ah,” she says, taking the small stack of papers and slipping off the paperclip before scanning through the pages.

I sit forward, suddenly aware of my heartbeat. Maybe I should mention why I want to pursue this topic, explain its importance to me. If she doesn’t approve it, then I don’t know what I’ll do. It’s what I came here to study. I want to explain, but she’s already turning the pages.

I pull out a notebook and uncap my pen just to have something to do. My leg bounces as she reads. The room is so quiet, I can hear the scratch of paper against paper as she stacks the pages neatly and returns the paperclip to its place. Then she slides off her glasses, folding the thin arms, one then the other, before setting them carefully on her desk. Slowly, she looks up.

Fuck, she hates it.

“I like it,” she says. “Especially for you.” Relief washes over me so quickly, I almost laugh.

“Especially for me, Professor?”

“Yes.” She taps the proposal. “Even a cursory review shows this topic aligns with your knowledge and interests. You’ve explained well why your specific research is important and groundbreaking. You are off to a good start.”

“Thank you, Professor.” I grip my pen tighter to stop me from whooping, jumping up and down, taking a victory lap around the room.

“I will review it in more depth later this week and make some additional recommendations, but I have two pieces of feedback for now.”

I nod and lower the pen to the page.