Page 232 of One Wild Wish

Drink clutched in one hand, I found my guitar pick with my other, deep in my pocket. I pressed the edge into my thumb and waited for him to go on.

“Thing is, I was always one step behind you. Not as strong on the soccer field. You aced high school without even trying. You were a freak of nature with your guitar. And there I was, always known as August’s brother. The other twin. You don’t know what that was like, but it’s a shitty reason to do what I did. I knew how brutal taking my SATs would be for you. I knew you’d lose your mind over me and Gwen. And hurting her in the process destroyed me. It made me realize I needed to grow up and own who I was. I can’t change what I did. I’m sorry it happened. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry for a thousand things, but I miss my brother and I’d like to have him back.”

I couldn’t deny missing him. Our innate connection couldn’t be duplicated—laughing at the same jokes, trading a look without having to speak, the comfort of him being in my corner. I’d also been jerked around by promoters over the years, had had issues with my record label. Finch was in the business, knew the ropes. I’d needed someone to talk to, someone I could trust.

I’d needed him.

Still, I’d held back from reaching out, nursed my grudge instead. He was right, though. There was no going back. Only forward. What he did had sucked. Holding onto my anger sucked more. “You know what’s really messed up?” I said.

“Aside from the fact that the girl you wrote hate songs about was looking at you downstairs like you were a blue jelly bean?”

Her favorite candy as kids. I rubbed my overheating neck. “She looked at me like that?”

He chuckled. “Dude, you’ve always been blind where Gwen’s concerned.”

The buzz that filled me burned hotter than my next sip of Scotch. “Trust me, I know. What I don’t get is both you and Gwen resented me on some level as teens. She felt like I made her my charity case, and you obviously had it in for me. I just don’t remember being overly cocky about soccer, music. Any of it. Enough to make you guys feel like shit.”

“You think the sun notices when it outshines the moon?”

“Are you writing lyrics now?”

“You can fuck off. But think about it. Life was good to you. You never struggled. It taints your perception, makes you less aware of what others are going through.”

I slammed my glass on his filing cabinet, harder than necessary. “I was nothing but aware of Gwen’s situation. I did everything I could to help her through it.”

He swayed his head side to side, unruffled by my aggressive stance. “Yes and no.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You offered her your quick fixes—the things that made you happy, because you excelled at them. You taught her guitar, but played better than her. You let her win at soccer, and she knew it. You helped her study, because she learned slower than you. Of course she felt like your charity case.”

“So I was supposed to suck at things?”

“For a smart guy, August, you’re pretty dense.”

I bit down on my molars. “Then dumb it down for me, Einstein.”

“Gwen had to find her answers, the things that made her happy. Like I needed to step out of your shadow and be my own man. It’s not your fault. We were kids. We had to grow up and figure out who we were.”

“And that makes it okay to steal the girl I loved?”

“No, man…no.” He hung his head.

I swore under my breath. We’d seesawed from strained apologies to reminiscing to tense again. We might both be ready to make amends. Didn’t mean the road would be easy.

“Look,” he said, “you did you back then, and I reacted in a shitty way. Gwen drowned in her self-pity. We all had issues. And the reason you plummeted off the deep end after I slept with her, besides the obvious, was because you’d never had to deal with…well, anything. Nothing was ever hard for you.”

I crossed my arms, glared at the maroon carpet between us. Going off the deep end was an understatement. For a guy who’d cruised through school and sports, dropping out of college and escaping to Europe had been beyond rebellious. Our folks had lost their minds, begged me to come home and talk to them, a counselor, anyone. I spoke with them eventually, could never erase them from my life, but everything had lost its meaning.

The easy life I’d enjoyed had lost its luster.

I guess I hadn’t known disappointment back then, the setback of coming in second, third, anything but first. Fuck. Had I really been that big of a prick?

Forcing my good fortune on Gwen, like that would make her happy, probably emphasized what she didn’t have. What she couldn’t do. All she’d ever wanted was my heart, and I’d tried to solve her problems instead.

“I’m doing it again with her,” I said, dazed and clear at the same time.

“Doing what?”