Page 122 of The Blessing

“Yeah, I think he loves to talk just to hear himself. Sometimes, I try to figure out what he’s saying, but really, I have no fucking clue.”

We both laugh as Grey continues to babble.

“His newest word is ‘no.’ So that’s definitely a trip.”

Travis throws back his head and laughs. Looking more relaxed than I’ve seen him in a long time. “That’s awesome, man. I’m sure he’ll learn ‘yes’ soon enough.”

“Dada!” Grey interrupts, grabbing my face between his chubby, little hands.

I notice Travis’s body tenses at my baby’s words. I frown, but I understand why he’s fucking uncomfortable. This is another reminder Dean isn’t with us. I truly hope that Grey calling me “dada” doesn’t make him feel too awkward. His real dad isn’t here and I know I probably seem like a poor fucking substitute; but I’m what he’s got. I push my self-esteem issues aside because I know that’s not what Travis is fucking thinking. Hell, he’d never think something like that. I know he’s just sad that Dean’s gone. It’s been almost eight months since his passing, so the wounds are still fucking fresh for both of us.

After a moment, Travis’s smile returns and his body relaxes. He doesn’t say anything and I know better than to comment. I don’t want to bring up anything heavy today. Instead, I want to focus on positive energy and moving forward. Dean would’ve wanted that. I know my brother and he couldn’t stand when anyone around him was unhappy. When we were kids, he’d always be there for me when I’d cry—even if it was just some trivial shit which caused my tears. He’d swoop in and save the fucking day, like a superhero. That’s just the type of guy he was. If he could see us now, he’d want us both to be happy and living life to the fullest.

“How’s Ronnie doing?” Travis asks, his awkwardness gone completely.

“She’s great, man! We’re getting ready to move in together. Well, we practically live together now, but we’ve found a house we’re interested in buying.”

A big smile lights up Travis’s face as he gives me a jovial pound on the back. “That’s incredible, man! You’re going to be a homeowner!”

I grin. Dean would flip! Travis doesn’t say this, but I know he wants to. My big brother would’ve been so fucking proud of me if he were still alive. I can’t imagine the look he’d have on his face if he were here right now. I imagine it’d be a lot like Travis’s actually. While they look completely different, they’re practically fucking twins when it comes to their expressions and mannerisms. It was so fucking uncanny at times. That’s why it fucking hurt to hang out with him when Dean had recently died. Travis was like a fucking mirror image of him and it was hard to be around that. However, now that I’ve reached some level of acceptance, things are getting easier. I’ll always carry my brother in my heart, but with each day I grow stronger, and his death becomes a little less painful.

“Thanks. I’m so excited. I never thought I’d want this kind of life, but now that it’s happening, I’m really happy.”

“Well, I’m really thrilled for you and Ronnie. Let me know if you need any help moving in.”

An idea springs into my head as he’s talking; I blurt it out before I can catch myself. I don’t need to think about it because I can feel this is the right decision. “I know this is really random and out of nowhere. Ronnie and I are hoping to get married sometime in the near future… and I need a best man. Since Dean isn’t here, I really want it to be you. I know it’s a lot to throw at you, but it would really mean a lot to me.”

Travis hesitates for a moment, and an emotion appears in his eyes that I can’t fucking describe. It’s fleeting and before I can analyze it, he smiles and looks away. “I’d love to,” he answers quietly while looking down at the ground.

All my previous thoughts quickly fade away as happiness overwhelms me. Everything in my life seems to be falling into place and I can’t believe it. With Travis standing with me, that aspect of the wedding won’t be so fucking bleak. As happy as I’ve been, I can’t help but dwell on the fact Dean won’t be there to watch me finally tie the knot. He’d think I was fucking shitting him if he heard I was engaged. Knowing him, he’d want to be a part of my wedding in a huge way. He’d plan an amazing bachelor party, and no doubt give an amazing speech, all the while teasing me relentlessly about my wild and directionless days. Embarrassing me to the fullest in front of all of our guests. I know I’ll have him there in spirit, though. Even with all the shit that’s happened to me, Travis has always been a lot like my brother. Therefore, I’m fucking honored and thrilled to have him as my best man.

“The wedding isn’t planned yet. I’m not entirely sure when Ronnie wants to do it, but I’ll keep you informed about the details.”

“Just tell me when and where to show up, and I’ll be there.”

We leave the park and make our way to lunch. I slightly reflect on how fucking amazing it is to have my friend back. I’d forgotten how awesome Travis really is. I can’t believe I shut him out in the first place. Now that we’ve reconciled, it’s like I never left for my road trip across the states. It’s kind of like we’re back in high school with Dean, just dicking around. Memories of him still come flooding back when I look at Travis. However, it’s no longer painful. I can now look back on those days with a smile, appreciating the time I had with Dean. We had so many amazing adventures together growing up. I can’t help but smile, knowing he lived an amazingly full life in the time he had on Earth. Sure, it was cut too fucking short by the most horrific of ways, but he lived more in his twenty-seven years than some do in their entire fucking lives.

chapter 44

mirror in the sky

These past few days seem to have escaped me completely. I’ve been so fucking busy, that all my days seem to blend together. Work has become brutal since the new year has hit. The weather makes being outside almost unbearable and the project we’re currently working on couldn’t be done soon enough. If I didn’t have a family to provide for, and the money wasn’t so decent, I would’ve walked away. I probably would have found another job where I wasn’t working outdoors. However, while the work can be grueling and fucking shitty at times, it’s reliable. Now that I’m going to be a homeowner soon, I can’t be irresponsible by quitting and starting over somewhere else.

Homeowner. Fuck! I can’t believe it. The notion still seems so unreal to me. I would’ve never guessed I would ever have my life together like this. Sometimes, I want to pinch myself just so I can make sure I’m not fucking dreaming. Ronnie and I plan to move into our house at the end of the month; only a few short weeks away. Now that it’s so close to the date, I’m getting nervous about everything. She assures me I’ve got nothing to worry about because she could afford this house all on her own if need be. With her salary from editing textbooks combined with the money her mother left her when she died, she could buy the house and still have money left over. So together, we’ll have more than enough money to buy. However, I don’t want her to be paying for everything. I know it’s the twenty-first century and all, but I want to be able to take care of my girl.

Luckily, things have been so fucking busy I haven’t had too much time to actually get stressed out about shit. Grey’s birthday is only a day away. Buying gifts and planning everything has been quite a nightmare, yet, slightly fun at the same time. Going to the mall is like entering hell itself. But Grey’s happiness makes dealing with it all worth it. My only solace is my A.A. meetings with Travis. Something I never thought I’d fucking say. It’s just so strangely relaxing to sit in a quiet room and listen to people’s stories. I haven’t spoken about Dean. I don’t know why exactly, I guess I haven’t ever had the urge to speak in front of so many strangers about something so personal yet. I’d rather keep my story to myself just because I feel like it’s my way of holding onto him. It may be selfish, but part of me doesn’t want to share him. While, at the same time, I believe people deserve to know just how great he was. This battle in my head causes me to spend every meeting sitting in silence next to Travis.

He hasn’t spoken up either. Like me, he’s always kept to himself and has been very introspective when it comes to his problems. While I’m extremely introverted and he’s as extroverted as one can be, we both tend to keep quiet when we’re dealing with a difficult situation. Ronnie jokes that I get stuck in my own head, lost in my thoughts. She’s definitely right. I get lost in my own thoughts constantly and forget about the world around me. Whenever I apologize to her for it, she brushes it off and states that I look “cute” when I’m contemplating something. I roll my eyes now just thinking about her remark. When have I ever looked fucking cute?

Tonight, I’m going to A.A. with Travis while Ronnie gets everything ready for Grey’s birthday party at home. She told me I was “distracting” her, complaining she never can get anything done when I’m around. She definitely didn’t seem unhappy when she was bent over our bed screaming my name… Although I’d rather spend my time with her, I agreed to get out of her hair and leave her to the decorating. She had bags of party supplies all around the apartment when I left, so, whatever she’s planning must be fucking serious.

I meet up with Travis at a local church, where tonight’s A.A. meeting is being held. He’s early, like usual, and is waiting for me just outside the church entrance. I watch some people shuffle inside. Their faces look familiar, but I’ve never paid enough attention to learn their names. I don’t really stick around after meetings to socialize or make friends. I know that having people in your life who empathize with your situation can be a good thing. However, I’m not one for small talk or dancing around the elephant in the room. I don’t go out of my way to avoid other members—I just don’t make a point of reaching out to them either. Hell, I barely talk to Travis during the meetings and he’s one of my best friends. Usually after the meetings end, I say goodbye to him, grab some cookies and orange juice from the refreshments table, and head straight home to Ronnie and Grey. That’s my plan for tonight. Travis is pretty reserved when it comes to this shit anyway, so I know he won’t mind.

“Hey, man!” Travis calls out as he watches me approach.

“Hey, sorry I’m late. I got held up with things at home.”

“It’s cool,” he replies with a shrug. “The meeting hasn’t started yet.”