Page 138 of The Blessing

“Want me to take him?” Ronnie softly asks, as she soothingly runs her fingers through my cropped hair.

Her touch feels so fucking incredible. With her and Grey close I feel like I’m slowly coming down from my tormented high and drift back to where I was before I found out all of this life-altering shit. Slowly, I remember the man I had worked so hard to become in these past few months. The Trevor who was practically born again after his brother’s death.

“I’ve got him, baby. I like holding him,” I say quietly as I allow Grey to make himself comfortable on my lap.

“Oh, Trev… What happened? You went to your A.A. meeting and I never heard from you after that. Then, I got a call from the hospital and I—” She stops, covering her face with her hand.

“I learned some things at A.A.… that I just couldn’t handle. I couldn’t think straight after I knew the truth.”

“What are you talking about?” she asks as she removes her shaky hand from her mouth.

“I was late and as I was walking into the room I heard Travis speaking at the meeting about my brother,” I quietly begin. She reaches out her hand and I take it, gripping it tightly as I recall that meeting. “He was telling everyone the story of what made him want to become sober.” She doesn’t comment and I wonder if she can feel where I’m going with this. “He got in an accident, Ronnie.” And that’s all I say. That’s all I have the strength to say.

Ronnie’s unable to say anything because Nurse Debbie checks my vitals before leaving the room to give me time with my family. Once she’s gone my parents crowd around my hospital bed, their looks varying from sadness, to anger, and then pity. My father is rigid—his face is tight and calculating. I wonder what he knows that I don’t. I open my mouth to speak, but my father waves his hand dismissively, obviously not ready to talk, before taking a seat at my bedside. Mom gives me a watery smile before taking a seat on a stool next to him, placing her hand on his. I watch as my dad runs his hand roughly across his face. It’s something I always do whenever I’m nervous. He leans back in his chair and gives me an evaluating once-over before he sadly shakes his head and looks away.

“Is Travis—” I stop because what I’m thinking is too terrible to say aloud. “Is he okay?” I manage.

Agony washes over my dad’s face before anger takes over in its place and looks me dead in the eye. “He’s fine,” he says in a clipped tone. “Do you remember what happened, Trevor?”

Where the fuck do I begin? How much does my dad already know? Do I tell him about all the horrible shit I heard tonight? Should I tell him that Travis confessed to everything before attempting to kill himself? I sit in silence, trying to read my dad’s face, hoping it will give me some indication as to what to do next. However, I have no such luck. His face is completely fucking blank. It’s as if he’s too afraid to show any emotion at the moment.

“What do you know?” I finally ask.

“I know he shot you,” he answers quietly as his eyes blaze with anger.

“Is that it?” I press.

My dad’s face twists in pain and his eyes fill with tears he desperately tries to reign in. Fuck, he knows! I wonder how he found out.

“Where is he now?”

“He’s in jail,” my dad spits out before taking a deep breath to gain control of himself. “He turned himself in when the cops arrived. Apparently, someone in the neighborhood called—thank, God. He screamed at them to help you before he begged to be locked up and they questioned him.”

So, he’s not a fucking coward anymore. The nurse’s words come back to me. If I’d gotten here any later I could have very well been dead. With my shoulder shot and an artery severed, I could have bled out on Travis’s carpet if someone or something hadn’t intervened. Travis made sure I got the help I needed. Travis saved me as I tried desperately to save him. People died—people who really fucking mattered—but we still managed to overcome our demons and save each other. The darkness lurking inside of us wasn’t as all-consuming as I once thought. We had to face our demons together—walk through that darkness together until we came out on the other side as fucking different people. Hand and hand, with blood, sweat, and tears, we faced the worst of ourselves and burned it down. In that terrifying moment as the light of this world began to fade away, I was reborn. So was Travis, apparently.

When I thought all hope was lost, and the light began to turn to darkness... I saw Dean. I know it’s all a figment of my fucking imagination as the adrenaline was coursing through my body, but it was like he was standing right beside us. Watching me, always watching me. Looking out for me like he used to do when I was a kid. I could feel him there as if he really was just inches away from us. He gave me the same reassuring smile he used to give me all the time when I was growing up. I know it sounds fucking crazy. The rational part of my mind knows none of that shit is real. However, I can’t help but feel like it was. Maybe seeing his face is what kept me fighting until the paramedics arrived. Even now, I feel like Dean is with me. I hope this feeling lasts forever.

“Do you know about Dean and Cat?” I ask my dad, who’s growing increasingly more defeated at my side.

My heart goes out to him as I watch his face crumble. He’s spent the night in the hospital waiting for his only living son to get out of emergency surgery. On top of that he found out the details of his other son’s death. That’s a lot to take in on the same night. As I rock Grey slowly in my arms, I watch my dad’s demeanor grow progressively worse as he leans against my mom’s shoulder.

“This is the same hospital Dean died in,” he tells me with a shaky voice. His hand is trembling in front of his mouth as if he were trying to compose himself. “We were waiting for you to get out of surgery for such a long time that I thought you were lost, too. It took you hours to wake-up. I’ve never been so afraid in my life.”

Mom wraps her arms around his shoulders and presses her cheek against his head, which is now bowed down so I can’t get a clear look at his face.

“Dad, I didn’t mean to put you through all of this again,” I say, having a hard time watching him—the man who’s always been such a strong role model for me—breakdown in front of me. “I wasn’t thinking about anything. I got this horrible feeling and I just knew I had to see Travis,” I rasp out, my voice still hoarse from the tube that was shoved down my throat during surgery. “I thought he was going to skip town or something, and I couldn’t allow him to run away. When I got there, he had a gun lying on his lap and had this horrible blank look on his face. Dad, I had to stop him. I wasn’t there to save my brother”—I stop speaking for a moment to suppress a cry— “I wasn’t there to save Dean, so I had to be there to save Travis. I had to do anything in my power to keep him alive. I had to at least fucking try. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if he passed away, too.”

“You were in no way responsible for your brother’s death, Trevor.” Dad shakes his head and gives me a look filled with pity. “You’re always so hard on yourself. That’s why I always cut you so much slack unlike your brother,” he says, with a sad, reminiscent chuckle.

“I’ve just felt guilty,” I admit quietly.

“You used to wish it were you,” my dad says, locking eyes with me. I want to look away, but his gaze seemed to penetrate mine. “I could tell. As soon as you got back to Evergreen and started to take care of Greyson, I could tell.”

I hear a quiet gasp at my side and break eye contact with my dad long to look at Ronnie. She doesn’t seem shocked, apparently my tendency for self-loathing isn’t news to her, but she cries for me anyway. Seeing her like this causes my own eyes to fill with tears, even though I feel as if I’ve cried myself dry over the last twenty-four hours. I try to give her a look that shows her how much I fucking love her, silently conveying I’d never think about offing myself now that my past is finally behind me.

“I used to feel guilty for being alive after Dean died, between the two of us, I felt like it should’ve been me. He had everything to fucking live for, whereas I had nothing at all. I was already in a dark place when he died. I’d been worthless for so long, Dad. I could’ve died back then and I’m sure no one would’ve really missed me too much.”

“What the fuck, Trevor.” My eyes shot to Ronnie, who rarely curses. She looks beautiful, yet furious. I can’t tear my eyes away. “Trevor, how could you think no one loved you? Or would miss you if you were gone? Are you serious? You’re surrounded by people who love you, baby.”

“Back then I didn’t feel like I was.”

“Well, you’re never going to feel like that again,” she says in a stern voice that only makes me love her more.

“I couldn’t. Not with you.”