Page 18 of The Blessing

chapter 10

mad world

Work was hell. Working under the hot, August sun can feel like a fiery fucking prison. With the sweltering heat I feel claustrophobic and work quickly as if I were clawing myself out of a fucking casket. As soon as work is finished, I’m quick to bounce—wanting nothing more than air conditioning and a cold glass of ice water. I blast the A.C. as soon as I get inside my truck and take the scenic route to my parents’ house.

Lining the road are expensive houses that have miles of their own land. As I pass each one, I stare out my window, peering past the giant gates to get a look at the estates. I can’t imagine what it’s like to own such a large piece of property. Even if I could afford a house like that, I wouldn’t know what the hell to do with it. Nonetheless, I can appreciate their architecture; I’ve always found houses fascinating. Not just because I’ve never been able to afford one, but because I always thought I’d be an architect when I grew up. Now, I’m all grown-up and I’m not even close to achieving a goal like that. When I was a kid I’d sketch all these houses and tell my parents about the big plans I had for myself as soon as I graduated elementary school. My dad would always laugh and encourage me while my mother would roll her eyes and tell me I should settle on a dream that was more “realistic.” She said that to a ten-year-old boy, crushing his dreams. I couldn’t imagine ever saying shit like that to Grey.

I guess my mother was right in the long run. Once drugs entered my hemisphere I was a lost cause when it came to doing anything productive. Now that my life is getting back on track, maybe I can go back to school. I’ve never been to college because I thought I already knew everything—just as every naïve and jaded person in their late teens does. I want to kick myself for being such a jackass, but I know regret is a useless emotion because it’s not going to change anything. I’d be better off focusing my energy on something positive, like getting my head on straight and checking out some online classes.

To keep myself occupied on the drive to pick up Grey, I plan everything in my head as if I’d be going back to school tomorrow. It feels good to have an idea set in place even if it’ll take me a while to implement it. The idea alone makes me feel more productive and I show up at my parents’ house with a relaxed smile on my face. This is my favorite part of the day because it means I can finally see Grey. Who knew a baby could always manage to ease my mind?

I let myself in and find Grey asleep in my mother’s arms. He looks so serene there, but I can’t wait to take him home with me. “How was your day?” I ask her as I step into the room. She waits until her reality television show goes to a commercial break before answering me, leaving me standing in the doorway for an awkward amount of time.

“Grey was great,” she says with a smile that makes her look years younger. “He’s just as handsome as his dad.”

She means, “he’s just as handsome as his dad was,” but I know she won’t say it. Like my dad told me, she likes things in her life to be “tidy” and the death of her favorite child is not a tidy matter. When she finally looks at me, her eyes are so distant and weary. It makes me want to cross the room and comfort her. I know a hug from me wouldn’t be well received, but I just want her to know I’m here for her—that I lost Dean, too. I don’t know why she’d want to fight this battle on her own. Instead of moving toward her, I stuff my hands in my pockets and think of something smart to say. However, before I get the chance, my dad bustles into the room and breaks up the tension floating in the air.

“Trevor,” he says, giving me a quick pat on the shoulder before joining my mom on the couch. “How was work, son?”

I glance down at my mud-stained shirt and well-worn boots. “It was fine, Dad. Thanks for asking,” I shift awkwardly on my feet before adding, “I’m starving, so I was hoping to just take Grey and get going.”

Dad rolls his eyes at me and smiles. “Why don’t you just join us for dinner?”

I watch as Mother stiffens at his side, causing me to instantly feel uncomfortable. “That’s all right, Dad. I have some food at home.”

“Nonsense,” he jovially states as he puts his arm casually around her. Can he not feel how tense she is? “Your mother and I were just about to go grab dinner. You and Grey are more than welcome to come along.”

I love my dad, but sometimes I wonder how he can be so fucking obtuse. My mother is so obvious about her discomfort and is blatant about her disapproval when things don’t go her way. Does he just ignore this about her because he’s so used to it, or does he not pick up on her behavior?

“Arthur, he already said he has plans to eat at home. He’s probably exhausted and just doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by saying no,” she says, feigning thoughtfulness.

Dad looks at me, wanting me to confirm my mother’s claims. “It’s fine, Dad,” I say, effectively suppressing my annoyance. “Anyway, I’m too beat to go out anywhere. Besides, I’m still pretty rough from work.”

I don’t know why I feel the need to do this type of stuff for her. I guess it’s because I realize how uncomfortable it would be for me if I didn’t. She’d make dinner hell for me if I decided to go. If she doesn’t get her way, she always makes sure someone pays for it. She could always try to think outside herself for once, but I doubt a day will come where that’ll happen. People get stuck in their habits and don’t want to put any effort into changing. I should know. I’ve only recently pulled my head out of my own ass. My mother’s habit was being selfish and my dad’s habit was apparently being blind to it.

“Well, we’ll get together soon then,” he says with his normal loving, but oblivious smile.

On cue, Grey stirs awake in his grandmother’s arms and searches for me. When his eyes finally meet mine, he begins to cry and reaches his chubby, little arms out in my direction. I immediately make my way over to him, but my mother doesn’t want to give him up at first. She seems upset that her grandson seems to prefer me, even though I’m sure that’s not the cause. However, if she’s not the center of everyone’s attention, she tends to feel a bit insecure. It takes her a moment, but his loud wails cause her to relent and hand him to me. As soon as I take him in my arms, his cries cease, and he gives me a toothless grin before grabbing ahold of my thumb and sticking it into his mouth.

“He loves you, Trevor,” Dad comments as he watches us.

“I love him, too,” I reply as I gaze down at the little guy who’s quickly captured my heart.

With the possibility of Ramen noodles and microwavable macaroni and cheese looming over me, I decide to opt for spending some of my extra cash on a pizza. It’s not the most nutritious thing I could eat but it’ll break my three-day streak of eating Ramen noodles. With Grey to care for, I never really give a shit about what I eat. Why would I spend the extra money on myself when I could be spending it on him? However, after the shit day I had at work, I could use some comfort food. With that in mind, I stop at a local pizza joint on the way back to our apartment.

As the smell of my freshly baked, extra-large cheese pizza fills the extended cab of my truck, all the tension from my day slowly dissipates. I hear Grey babbling along with the kid friendly songs I play for him on the radio in the backseat of the cab, as I consider sharing this pizza with Ronnie. She did cook for me last night, and while this meal isn’t comparable at all, it could still be my small contribution. She probably spent a good chunk of money on that small feast she made and I feel the need to pay her back. “What do you think, Grey? You think Ronnie will want to eat dinner with us?” I see his eyes shoot up at me in the rearview mirror and I smile at the sight. Apparently, Grey has faith in me when it comes to this chick.

Ronnie’s unlike any girl I’d ever met. In the short time I’ve known her I can already tell she’s smart, sexy, and fucking hilarious. She thinks she’s just a simple girl, but she’s much more than that. I can already tell how extraordinary she is. She downplays all of her strengths and isn’t susceptible to compliments… So, I suppose she and I have more in common than I originally thought. Hell, I don’t know what I’m harping about, I’m probably the furthest thing from her type. Sure, I’ve got plans for my future now, but she’s probably looking for a man who already has his life figured out. Last night, she said we were “friends,” and while that bummed me out at the time, I’ll take “friends” over no relationship at all.

“You think Ronnie likes me, little guy?” I ask Grey as if he could give me a valid response.

He babbles something, cocks his head to the side, and begins to laugh. Fuck, even the kid doesn’t think Ronnie and I could ever work out. As I park outside our apartment building, I give myself a mental pep talk. You can do this, Trevor. She’s just a hot chick you’re interested in. She’s offered you her friendship so take what you can get.

I’ve considered talking to my dad about her, but I decided against it because I thought it’d be pretty awkward. What would I say? “Dad, I think I’ve met the right girl for me. She’s perfect, but I’ve only just met her, and I’ve talked to her a handful of times. What do you think I should do? How do you know if a girl’s right for you?” I cringe at the thought of a conversation like that. And what if it didn’t work out? How uncomfortable would that be? My dad would ask about her and I would have to tell him that she found a guy who’s accomplished and clean cut, the type of guy girls usually go for. Yeah, that’s a conversation with my dad that’s never going to happen.

I try to keep my head filled with positive thoughts as I slide out of my ride and pop open Grey’s door to get him out of his car seat. As I’m unbuckling him, I look through the cab window of my truck to find Ronnie standing by, what I assume is, her Jeep, chatting up some tall blonde guy. What the hell? I can’t help but feel somewhat… betrayed. Which is absolutely ridiculous considering she isn’t mine. I pull Grey from his seat and hold him close to my chest. The feeling of his breath on my neck comforts my psyche. I step away from my truck to get a better look at Ronnie and the douchebag she’s talking to. I shouldn’t call him a douchebag. This guy could be her brother for all I know. However, with his blonde hair and a tall build, as opposed to Ronnie’s wild brunette curls and petite frame, they couldn’t look less alike. She laughs at something he says, before their conversation comes to a close and they say their goodbyes. He bends down to give her a hug and I nearly lose it. Get your hands off of her, fucker! If I wasn’t holding my infant nephew, I would’ve marched right over there and broken the couple apart. Christ, I’m turning into a fucking Neanderthal over here.

The blonde jackass walks away and gets into his car, leaving Ronnie all alone by her Jeep. She turns in my direction and I jump behind my truck—ducking down like a coward. Play it cool, Trevor. She doesn’t even know you’re here. I didn’t see a hint of recognition on her face when I ducked, so her looking in my general direction must have been a coincidence. Just when I think I’m in the clear, Grey squeals so loudly I’m sure the entire complex could hear him. I cringe at the sound and wish I could just fucking vanish into thin air. She doesn’t need to know I was spying on her. Hell, if she wasn’t out here talking to some guy, I would’ve just gone about my business.