Page 59 of Ashen Wings

“Nova?” Jace’s voice is careful, quiet. “Are you up? I know it’s late. Raine held us in council a lot longer than expected today.”

I sit up a little straighter, trying to reinforce my walls. How can I face him right now? Sob-stained and raw. A piece of me begs to run to Jace, to fall into his arms and shatter a thousand times over, but I adhere myself to the linens. Would he think me a coward for retreating when today got too hard? Or maybe selfish? My breath rises to short shallow bursts. The bedchamber walls shrink, or expand, I’m not sure which. Regardless, I’m falling through panic, clenched at every joint.

“We’ll talk in the morning,” I say, the words a mere cough between sobs.

His presences stills behind the door. “Nova, what’s wrong?”

“I’m fine,” I snap.

Gods, clearly I’m a terrible actor, because the door swings open. Jace stands in the entryway, draped in soaked clothes that mold to his body. Rain drips from his damp curls, trailing down his jaw, his chest. My stomach knots as his gaze washes over me, turning dire when he catches my salt-stricken cheeks. “What happened?”

“It’s nothing,” I murmur, though my throat burns with tears left unshed. “I’m fine.”

He steps inside, softly clicking the door shut. His midnight scent fills the room, and even in the dim light, I can see the way he studies me, his jaw ticked, and shoulders stiff. A hint of panic dances between the starlit flecks in his eyes, like my anguish is his own.

“Don’t lie to me, starling.” He folds his arms over his chest.

“I don’t need you to stand there and mock me right now, King Ashborne. I’m fine.” I turn my gaze away and force myself to stare at the floorboards.

Every sensation is raw against me—the sheets, my sleepshirt, even my own damned skin. Visions of the past burn through me like wildfire, and I squeeze my eyes shut, battling the next wave of tears now surging behind my eyes.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” he whispers, and my throat closes over the command in his tone—stern, but warm. “Did something happen?”

“Today in the marina, there was a ship of refugees from Smoke.” My voice quivers as I wrap the blanket tighter around myself. “They were slaves, Jace…I…”

Before I can finish, he’s kneeling at my bedside, hand hovering over mine.

“Nova.” Pain flickers through his heavy lashes.

“I can’t…I can’t stop feeling it,” I gasp on the words. “The anger, the guilt. I don’t know how to make it all stop. The memories, the pain, it’s too much. I can’t bear it. I just want it to stop.”

He moves closer, the simple heat of his thumb brushing mine sends a shiver through me I don’t ignore. “I know.”

A shudder escapes me as he brushes a palm against my cheek, swiping away the traitorous tear that’s slipped through my walls. His voice is full and unyielding, like a rock against my angry surf.

“I’m just so fucking angry. So full of this rage I can barely control, and it scares me, because what if it never goes away? What if it’s changed me for the worse?” I choke on the words. Being so vulnerable with him somehow doesn’t feel wrong or humiliating like it should.

His gentle expression is one of patience like he sees through every damned mask I’ve painted. Gone is the smug asshole cracking jokes or slinging calculated retorts, and I don’t know if I should be terrified or comforted.

Jace doesn’t answer, but his eyes don’t falter from mine. My face drains with the realization that I’ve spilled everything to the merciless man seated beside me. He took me prisoner. Threatened to kill me, and yet, the glint in his eye is one all too familiar.

Like calls to like, and I recognize every glint of starlight reflected in his irises. That is incredibly fucking dangerous.

“Fuck, I shouldn’t be telling you this…I’m fine, I promise. I just need a good night’s rest,” I say. Recoiling from his sanctuary is easier now than taking the plunge. I’m treading water, just barely afloat, and I’ll be damned if I fall into him any fucking further than I already have.

Once the room stops spinning and the nausea subsides, I’ll be fine.

Once I can breathe again, I’ll be fine.

Once I forget the scars and my past, I’ll be fine.

Right?

“You don’t have to bear this pain alone, starling. Not tonight,” he whispers.

“I’ve survived this long withstanding it alone.” I break our locked gaze to stare at my hands. They’re shaking beyond control. I clench them.

“But you don’t have to, Nova. Let me be here to lessen the weight.”