Page 75 of Not So Very Sensible

She could continue to play pretend, or she could be real. And after playing pretend at the Dashwood party, she ached to be real. She shook her head.

“Want to talk?”

Again, the temptation was to lie and say no. But lying would get her nowhere. And Annabelle was about the only person she trusted with the truth. So she nodded.

“Come on then.”

Annabelle collected her things and made her way down the line of seats, apologising all the way.

“Hey, I can’t see,” one of the other moviegoers complained.

“I’m sorry,” Ellie muttered, following, then finally reaching, the light. She fake-yawned, rubbing her eyes to whisk away any trace of emotion. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to miss your movie.”

“Hey, it was kind of boring. But it sounds like your night hasn’t been. What’s happened?”

And at the kindness in her voice, Ellie’s bottom lip trembled, and she finally spilled the truth.

It was funny how a person could put her name on the church roster as being available, then life could change in a snap and she’d like to beg to stay home. Except staying home would solve nothing and would only cause more problems for the church community she was part of. There weren’t too many people who could do her role as projector operator. And Pastor Bryan had contacted her earlier in the week to see if she’d be able to add several new slides he needed for his sermon, and she’d said yes and didn’t want to let him down.

So, while part of Ellie wanted to stay home and lick her wounds, she knew that for the sake of others, she should be in church. Again.

She plastered up with makeup, then eyed the blue streak in her hair. Maybe it was time for a change. A new colour? A new cut? Hmm. Maybe a visit to one of Newtown’s uber-funky hairdressers could help her feel better. And since her personality was obviously not to some people’s liking, she had zero desire to stifle her personal expression to suit people who wouldn’t like her whatever she did.

She fake-smiled and chatted and even allowed a few hugs from the insistent huggers in the congregation. And while she wasn’t normally a huggy person, she knew sometimes their hugs came from a place of loneliness. And because she’d watched a psychology video about people needing physical touch, she let some of the old ladies hug her. It was more for their benefit than hers.

Then Pastor Bryan preached from the first book of Samuel about man judging on external appearances while God judged the heart. It struck home. She had judged others by what she thought she knew, and got it wrong. Time and again. With Ethan. With Jason. With her sister. She, who prided herself on being so sensible, had proved to be filled with just as much pride and prejudice as others. Why? Because she hadn’t been living with Jesus as the centre of her world. Instead, she’d allowed thoughts about Ethan to dominate her heart.

So, in the prayer time that followed the preaching, she confessed her pride and weakness in having feelings for a man who was already taken and asked God to cleanse her heart and help her focus on Him and His rhythms of grace. To do what He wanted her to do. To live not for herself but for God.

She kept her head lowered, even as the congregation was released to “go connect and be a blessing to our world.”

“Hey.” She jerked as the sound guy touched her shoulder. “You need a coffee, Elinor?”

“Thanks, but I’m good.”

And for the first time in a while, she felt good. Well, not good, but not quite so angsty. Like she had a little more peace. Like maybe the sun could pop through and melt away some of these internal clouds of grey.

“Hey, Elinor, some of us are going to the local Chinese for lunch,” Annabelle said, with Katie and Jordan behind her, along with some others around their age. “Want to come?”

Her first instinct was to say no. Her second instinct said the same. She was about to shake her head when she remembered what she had just prayed. Her life wasn’t supposed to be about her own desires. Instead, what did God want her to do?

“Uh, sure. I’m not sure how long I can stay,” she warned. That way she would have an out if it proved too much.

But joining with the others, listening to them laugh and crack jokes, discuss movies and sports and work, again proved to be a nice distraction from her internal thoughts. And as people were used to her being quiet, more of an observer than the centre of attention, it was good just to be in a place where she felt accepted. Then the talk turned to politics.

“Can you believe the latest policy of Neville Ferris? Honestly, he’s unbelievable,” someone complained.

Too right, she internally snarked. Was it any wonder that his son had turned out the way he did? Couldn’t believe a word either of those men said.

“He’s always trying to make deals and has all these developer friends. He’s only in it for the money and status.”

See? She had probably been saved from a sticky situation, so it was good she was no longer part of their world.

But as the conversation got a little more personal, she felt a little more uncomfortable. It didn’t seem right that people who had just been in church were making comments like these. And to be honest, it was quite possible that she had foolishly just misinterpreted all that Ethan had said and done. So it wasn’t fair to tar him with the same brush.

“Did you hear about his wife?”

She blinked, her head jerking up from where she’d been studying the remaining grains of rice on her plate. Ethan had a wife?