Page 26 of A Tale of Mirth & Magic

“What are you saying?! I have charisma for days.”

“You absolutely do. You’re brimming with charisma. But—”

“BUT! You have a but!” I yelled.

“But,” Barra continued, “you are also very… passionate. And maybe that passion shows up a bit, um, forcefully?”

I snorted. “You’ve known me for one day, Barra. Let’s not pretend you’re an expert on my passions.”

He flushed and didn’t respond. Just inclined his head in acknowledgment. We walked along in silence for a while.

My indignation faded a bit, and I said, “Well. You might not be entirely wrong. I suppose.”

“You did break a man’s wrist for speaking rudely and touching your arm. Not that it was unwarranted. He was a creepy bastard. I’m just saying.”

“In my experience,” I said carefully, trying to keep my temper in check, “it’s better to shut someone like that down as soon as possible—as completely as possible—rather than play it nice and risk them trying again.”

“I can understand that. But—”

“No. No, you don’t understand.” I fumed. “You don’t have any idea what it’s like, living the way I do. You’re this huge, seven-foot-something giant, and a man besides. How do you think I survive, as a woman traveling alone? Do you think I haven’t tried the kind approach? The gentle but firm, ‘thanks but no thanks’ response?

“I meet everyone with friendliness and an open heart. A smile and a compliment. That’s the way I am. And most folks match me kindness for kindness. But certain people—they’ve always been men—seek to take advantage of someone the moment they perceive a weakness. I’ve encountered enough of them on the road, been hurt by enough of them, to know that type when I see them.

“So yeah. Maybe I lost my temper a little. Maybe I shouldn’t have broken his wrist. A finger might have been enough. Or a very tight five-second squeeze around his sweaty neck. But I don’t regret it. And I don’t need you trying to reprimand me when you have no idea what my life is like or what I’ve been through.”

I broke off my tirade, breathing hard. I concentrated on reining in my irritation. Pebble was solid underneath me, and I stroked her neck, focusing on the rough gray hair against my fingers and the feeling of her steady steps along the road.

After a while, Barra said solemnly, “I’m sorry, Elikki. I didn’t mean that to sound like a reprimand, or a judgment. I do think it was a bit more violence than the situation called for. I’m not going to lie about that. But I also didn’t think through what your reasons might have been. Or how your life experiences informed that decision. You’re right.” He swallowed hard. “I don’t know at all what it’s like to grow up the way you have, rely on only yourself for so long. I can’t imagine. Of course you do what you feel you must in order to be safe.”

His soft voice stopped. It felt like a relief, to be heard and properly listened to. I let out a long sigh.

“To be honest, I don’t even know if it was a conscious decision,” I admitted slowly. “My magic… sometimes it’s difficult to control. In that moment, there in the market, I felt so powerful and—and furious. Part of me wanted to wrap his entire arm, his whole body, in metal and crush it. It was nothing to snap just a wrist. My anger just kind of… takes over sometimes.”

I took a breath and tried to look at Barra. “I just want you to know. Even though I don’t regret doing things like that, I don’t feel good about it either. I’m not sure it was even a fully conscious decision. Afterward, I always feel a bit crappy. So I tend to push down any misgivings I have later with things that feel good. A tasty meal, some drinks. A fun night, and everything looks better again.”

“A one-night stand with the first person you see?” Barra looked at me, realizing something.

“Maybe,” I said, watching him. “Is that so horrible? Sex is one of the few fun, free things we get in life. Why not enjoy it when we can?”

“It’s not horrible. It’s just not me. I don’t want to be used in that way.”

“Used?” I laughed. “Used how? If two consenting adults want to bone, neither is taking advantage of the other.”

Barra shrugged. Gruffly, he said, “I just can’t do that. I’ve never been able to have sex with someone without feeling… attached.”

I gaped. “So you’ve never just slept with someone for the fun of it? Had a one-night stand? Is that why you didn’t come upstairs with me?”

“I have, but it hasn’t ended well for me,” Barra said, ignoring my last question. “I’ve been told that I can get a bit clingy. I suppose I… misinterpret peoples’ actions.”

“Hmm. What a complicated way to live. Probably hard to have a good sex life, then, especially in a small place like Nepu.”

Barra coughed, flushing a deeper violet.

“Well, wait. How do you feel now, after what we did in the woods this morning? Are you all right?”

Barra looked equal parts embarrassed and gratified that I asked. It took him a while to gather his thoughts. I was getting used to that about him.

We walked along. I felt a light breeze play with my hair, and I admired the way the late afternoon sun fell through the trees’ leafy branches. Dappled light spotted the dirt road in a playful pattern.