Page 13 of Diary of a Biker Queen

But he shook his head. “No. Not maybe. You talk to Doc and the rest of us or you’re out. I thought all this was behind you.”

I did too. It had been years since I’d last slipped up like this.

But I knew what happened next. It would take weeks or months for the urges to go away. For all my demons to settle back deep enough that I wasn’t constantly on the verge of going on a killing spree.

I was dangerous to be around when I was like this.

“I’ll leave. I shouldn’t be at the clubhouse.” It wouldn’t be the first time I’d had to leave something I loved behind. And I did love the club. I’d barely been there five minutes, and yet it had so quickly become like family. I might have been a prospect, the lowest rung on the ladder, but Reaper and War and Hawk and the other guys who’d been in the club their entire lives didn’t treat me like I was just some dumb kid. There was a brotherhood my soul desperately fucking needed, and without them I was scared of what I’d become.

But I also didn’t want to hurt anyone.

Reaper wasn’t happy with that suggestion. “No. If you leave, you’re gonna spiral hard, and then next thing I know, I’m gonna be seeing you on the goddamn fucking news. You aren’t going back to prison. I’ll put you down myself before that happens.”

I breathed out a long, slow breath. “I’m not going back there.”

“I know. Neither am I. So you’ll stay at the club. And you’ll talk to Doc. And you’ll come to meetings.”

“And at the first sign of me losing control, you’ll put a bullet in my head.”

I said it not as a question. Not even as a statement. It came out more like I was asking him for a promise.

Nyah would be at that clubhouse. And Luca. If I lost control and hurt one of them…

I squeezed my eyes shut, but when Reaper didn’t say anything, I opened them and demanded it of him. “Promise me, Reap. Promise me if I lose control again you’ll put a bullet in my brain. No hesitation.”

He didn’t look happy about it, but he eventually nodded.

That was all I needed. His assurance that he and the others at the club were prepared to do what had probably needed doing for a long time now.

I stared down at my hands for the rest of the drive back to the clubhouse. But no matter how clean I’d washed them, there was still blood on them.

6

DAX

Dear Diary,

She told me the truth. I still chose her. Every time, I’ll choose her.

I’d tried calling both my parents from the airport in Scotland, and when they hadn’t answered, I’d gotten desperate and sent off a rapid-fire series of text messages using the plane’s Wi-Fi, telling them everything and silently praying one of them would notice their phones.

I’d just picked Luca’s side in the Guerra war, and that was going to have real consequences for my mother who had worked in his father’s mansion for decades.

“You’re worried about your mom,” Nyah said quietly from the seat beside me in the van. She nudged my silent phone with her finger.

She’d always been able to read me too well. It was part of why I’d fallen so hard and so fast for her. I’d never believed in love at first sight, but then she’d walked into my life, and I felt like I’d known her for a million years instead of minutes. Everything about her, from the way she fit into my arms, to the ease we spoke to each other, to the way we wanted all the same things…I really had loved her from the start. It had only gotten stronger from being apart.

I stared at my blank phone. “She still hasn’t responded to any of my calls or texts.”

“She could be asleep. Or at work. It’s late, but I saw her do all sorts of hours while I was living there. And I never saw her with a phone. It’s probably tucked away in her purse.”

I ran my fingers through my hair and stared out through the windshield, trying to work out what to do. “Then I need to go over there and warn her.”

“That sounds like a good idea only if you have a death wish,” Luca muttered from the other side of Nyah. “You’re as dead to my old man as I am. You won’t get past the front gate without someone shooting you.”

“Helpful, Luca. Thanks,” I said dryly. “I should just do nothing then? And hope your dad doesn’t kill her just for being related to me?”

My phone buzzed before he could respond, and all three of us stared down at it.