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Then Jeremy starts talking differently. He says, ‘you know that’s right’ over and over again, even though he never used to say it before. Sometimes, he doesn’t pick up right away, even though I see he’s online in the game. But every time he does answer, he’s always happy to hear from me. And I don’t stop calling, because the house gets so quiet, and Jeremy is the first friend I really feel I can call my best friend.

Then school starts again. Jeremy is in most of my classes, and so is another kid, Andrew. He’s cool and everything I want to be—confident, funny, and popular. Immediately, I hate him. But I put up with him because Jeremy seems to like him. I don’t want to do anything that would make Jeremy annoyed.

The hog hunting trip is next week. I’ve been researching everything I can about the sport. It turns my stomach a little, but I try to tell myself we’ll be eating the animal after. Maybe even Mrs. Amy’s husband, Mr. Bill, will be proud of me.

The only thing is, Jeremy hasn’t said anything about it in a while. I don’t want to seem overexcited and bring it up first, but the trip is in like a week.

Finally, I can’t take it any longer. We’ve only been calling every few days to play our games. Jeremy says he has to focus on school, so right after he picks up, I ask, “So what shoes are you bringing for the trip?”

There’s silence on the other end of the line. I wince at the silence. Oh no, why did I ask that? Why do I have to be so weird? So, I keep talking. “I was thinking my boots, but I don’t want to run in them really, so maybe my sneakers, but then what if something happens…” I trail off. Jeremy still hasn’t responded.

“So, uh, yeah,” I mutter.

“Uh, well…” Jeremy says. “I kinda didn’t think you wanted to go on that trip. I invited Andrew since I thought you didn’t want to go. ”

My stomach bottoms out. He did what? No, no, no, this can’t be happening. I need to fix this. How do I fix this? Did I miss something?

“I mean, after the fox, I didn’t think you’d want to…”

The silence is so painful, I rush to fill it up. “Oh yeah, no. That’s fine.” But my brain is screaming that it’s anything but fine. The fox. I freed the fox. I should have ignored the fox.

There’s a voice in the background, then Jeremy says, his voice a little distant, “You know that’s right.” Then it sounds like his mouth comes back to the phone. “Sorry, I can ask my dad if you still want to come.”

Is there someone with him? There’s a laugh, then I hear Mrs. Bates say something that sounds a lot like, “Do you need a snack, Andrew?”

My ears ring. Andrew’s over there? Why didn’t he invite me? What did I do wrong?

“Do you want me to ask?” Jeremy asks.

“Oh, uh, no. That’s fine.” I’m not sure what I’m saying. He invited Andrew over, not me.

I think we keep playing the game. I’m not sure. I’m going through the motions, pretending like my chest doesn’t hurt and my throat isn’t tight. But still, I refuse to sign off before Jeremy does. Finally, he tells me that dinner is ready and hangs up the phone.

I stare at the phone for a while. He hung up. He doesn’t want to be friends with me. I’ve lost him. My only friend. I ruined this again. I always ruin everything.

I stare at the wall until Mrs. Amy calls me for dinner. I eat, but I don’t taste anything. Because Jeremy doesn’t want to be friends with me. I should have known it was too good to be true. No one wants to be friends with me.

My throat feels tight for the rest of the night and again when I wake up. I put on a brave face, but I can’t help but feel like no one wants me. And yet, I still put his name on the notepad by the phone. And later, when Jeremy calls, I still pick up. There’s a brief moment when he calls, where everything feels like it’ll be okay.

Then, on the day before the trip, I spot Jeremy in the halls. I move up to wish him a good time, but when I wave at him, Jeremy doesn’t respond. I cock my head and wave again. He’s looking right at me. Still nothing.

Then his face lights up. I turn to see Andrew behind me. He skips down the hall, high-fiving Jeremy with a ‘you know that’s right.’

I watch them skip down the hall together, throat closing.

Why am I never good enough?

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Day 1

I pace in my room, that feeling of deep loneliness and dread seeping through my veins. Finally, I stop, staring out at the tropical landscape that now seems…dark. It shouldn’t. The sun is shining on all the trees, bringing out the vivid greens. Seagulls dip in the air, landing on the back porch. It looks like there are trails out into the woods for hiking. Objectively, it’s a beautiful place.

But I don’t have my phone. My gut is screaming that there’s something wrong here. Something is very wrong. I’ve been taking notes all day. I need to keep track of everything so I can check back later. I have a horrible habit of forgetting the bad things to convince myself that everything is fine.

Like the fox.

My vision gets blurry, and for some reason, I find myself missing Mrs. Amy. Missing how she’d kiss me on the forehead before bed and how she’d rub my back when I was sick.