Page 35 of Save Me

Then, someone breezes past me and sits primly in the seat next to me. It’s Joanna. She’s always here helping with the kids, but she never says anything to me. She has a light blue dress on with her blonde hair in two neat little braids. She sits silent, back rigid, and I get the feeling we both hate this place just as much as the other.

Then, Joanna glances over her shoulder and gives a tiny nod toward my hand. I frown, but she’s pulling something out of her pocket. It’s an M&Ms pack, the small ones.

She gives me another nod, and I open my hand. Joanna shakes a handful of M&Ms in, then caps the pack and slips it back in her pocket. With a tiny nod, she’s off again, like she wasn’t even here.

I stare at the candy in my hand, then back up at her, a little confused.

Every week, when I start to feel that crushing pressure, Joanna is there, sneaking me M&Ms. We rarely speak to each other until she moves churches, and then I start bringing my own M&Ms.

Right now, it feels warmer than it did back in the church, but there are mini M&M’s in front of me. I look up, and Micah is standing there, cocking his head. When we make eye contact, he gives me a look, like Joanna did. Like he sees me. Like he sees deep down into my soul. And he stands there, patiently offering an M&M cupcake. But it feels like he’s offering more than just M&Ms. Like he’s offering me the kindness behind his eyes, just like Joanna.

And I want to take it. It feels like there’s a magnet attached to my hand and his. I want to reach out, grab the cupcake out of his hands, and feel the way our fingers touch.

Then, from somewhere nearby, a dog barks, and I jump, the bark cutting through the peace with a warning. And I remember what happens if I trust someone else.

With a lurch in my gut, I feel sick, and I put Princess on the chair beside me, standing up straight.

I can’t accept kindness because kindness is never kindness, not really. I never figured out what Joanna’s angle was, but I know she moved before she could strike.

“I’m sorry.” My stomach gurgles, and I look around for somewhere to puke. Fuck, I don’t want to puke and embarrass myself like that.

A little divot forms between Micah’s eyebrows. “Are you okay?”

Fuck! I squeeze my fists together to try and quell the unreasonable terror that’s rising up in me.

“I uh, I don’t feel good.”

“Well, poop, how can I help?” He gets closer, a concerned hand landing on my elbow, and I yank back like he touched me with a branding iron.

“Sorry, I uh…I think I need to go home.” Then I feel the unmistakable salivation that comes right before you hurl. Carefully, I place Princess’ leash in Micah’s hand, then dart around the chairs. I make it as far as I can before I puke into the side bushes. Before I’m even done heaving, I keep running to my car.

I need to go home. I need to go home and think about staying professional with this job because I almost took those fucking M&Ms.

And I can’t let that happen.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

I started chasing after Maddox until Mom stepped in my way. “Micah! You haven’t brought Princess to me all day.”

I try to sidestep her, keeping an eye out for Maddox, but Mom blocks me again. Is Maddox okay? He seemed fine, then he got all pale and just dipped.

“Hey, baby boy.” Mom is cooing, scratching at Princess in my arms. Princess growls at her.

“Excuse me, my friend is sick.” I try to spin my way out of her grip, but Mom has cornered me between two lounge chairs. “Oh no, he’s sick? Is he contagious?”

“I don’t know, Mom.” My annoyance rises. I just want to check on him. What if he needs help?

“Well, I sure hope not. You know with my compromised immune system, I can’t be getting sick. It would send me to the hospital.”

I can see a snippet of the street from where I’m at, and I see Maddox’s car drive by. At first, I’m relieved–he’s good enough to drive! Then I worry. I can’t help him if he’s not right here.

Mom is still talking. As she talks, my mind runs. As soon as I reached out to steady him, Maddox acted like I was diseased, ripping his arm away. What if it was something I said? What if he hated it here?

My stomach twists, and I look around the party. It’s nothing impressive, just a backyard filled with chairs; albeit the yard is nice, and the chairs all match. But the people here are stuffy and fake, caring more about your perception of them than how they actually are. For a second, my thoughts race. No wonder he didn’t like it here!

Then a darker thought enters my mind. What if he just isn’t interested in me? What if I made him uncomfortable? I frown. Surely not, though. Everyone wants a friend. At the very least, everyone wants someone to be nice to them.

Unless…people haven’t been nice to Maddox.