Page 28 of His Christmas Love Song

Bad choice of words.

He rubs the scar on the back of his arm through his jacket.

The lodge is lit up like a goddamn postcard advertising a cheerful winter getaway. Except there’s no snow.

No snow, because Jesse’s such a loser he brought his best friend to a place with no snow to get into the mood to do a stupid Christmas album.

He almost turns away from the lodge out of spite, but he really has no place else to go. The keys to the SUV are back in the cabin. Maybe Ryan will take the car to get to the airport. Thinking about Ryan flying back to Tennessee alone leaves him even colder than before. He pushes through the lodge’s main doors and the shock of heated air almost sends him outside again. He doesn’t deserve to be warm and comfy, not when his heart is iced over in terror that he might never see Ryan again.

He remembers Emma telling him they host a wine and cheese hour in the room with the fireplace in the late afternoon, but he and Ryan haven’t checked it out yet. He glances down the hallway that leads to Hank’s quarters, but he can’t go down there. A thought occurs to him—does Hank know about Ryan’s feelings? Is that what all those texts have been about?

He feels slightly dizzy as he considers the implications once again. Ryan loves him. Or he did, before Jesse proved himself an enormous fool. The idea that Ryan could have been feeling this way for months and Jesse had no idea—he doesn’t know what to do with that. He feels like a bad friend, that Ryan had to live with this on his own. He knows Ryan isn’t the most forthcoming about his feelings all the time, but still. Then again, he knew something was wrong, didn’t he? He’d noticed the light going out of Ryan’s eyes, the way he’d lost interest in dating. He’d chalked it up to missing Cameron, not developing feelings for Jesse himself. How was he supposed to know if Ryan didn’t tell him?

And why is Ryan jumping to the conclusion that Jesse doesn’t feel the same way? Why is he pushing him away at the first chance the two of them have to explore this new—

Jesse claps himself on the forehead. These aren’t new feelings for Ryan. He’s been letting this fester for god knows how long. Jesse’s the one who only just woke up and smelled the Ryan.

Only, that’s not really true, either. Jesse forces himself to be excruciatingly honest with himself. He’s had opportunities to settle down with a long-term girlfriend or boyfriend a few times over the past six years. But he’s always told himself that he’s better off single and free to hook up with whoever, whenever. But he didn’t always feel that way. Before he left for the Corps, he always assumed he’d end up in a monogamous relationship once he met the right person. That he’d happily settle down like his parents, the most boringly happy couple he knows. It was only once he met Ryan that keeping himself unattached seemed like the right thing to do. Being available for Ryan, as a friend and as a creative partner, was more satisfying than any of the one night stands he’s had over the past six years.

Oh shit. Has he accidentally been saving himself for Ryan? Is this what he wanted all along—to be Ryan’s in all ways, just as he wants Ryan to be his?

If that’s true, then he’s made an even bigger fool of himself than he thought. Because Ryan laid it all out there, laid his love out there. And Jesse tried to kiss him. Because he’s hot.

He looks toward the hall that leads to the great room. He can hear music and talking. He shouldn’t be with people right now, his stupid might rub off on them, but he can’t go back to the cabin. Ryan made it clear he needs space. If Jesse goes there and tries to tell him that he—that he—

Jesse can’t even say it in his own head. Because it’s too huge. It’s too—

Oh, who is he kidding? He’s in love with Ryan Winslow and he sort of has been since the day Ryan blinked his big blue eyes at him half a world away. Or maybe even before that, since the first time Jesse heard his smooth twang singing “Cowboy Livin’” on the radio a million years ago. Maybe Jesse’s been in love with Ryan since before he can even remember, since he was some other person in some other life.

Suddenly, his fear drops away. He may be a giant doofus, but he’s also stubborn. And persuasive. He can convince Ryan that he loves him back, he’s certain of it. He’s just not sure how. Yet.

Food might help him think. He walks slowly to the great room, takes in the clusters of guests around the circular fireplace. Emma’s at the bar in the corner, chatting with Cameron.

He almost forgot about that little wrinkle. He sidles up to them, not sure how he’ll be received.

“Hey, Jesse,” Emma greets him warmly. Clearly, she’s not in the loop about what an ass he’s been.

“Hi, Emma. Cameron.” He nods at the older man tightly. “Can we talk for a minute?”

Cameron narrows his eyes at him, then picks up a long-necked beer. “Yeah, I think we should,” he says. “If you’ll excuse us, Miss Emma.” He gives Emma a courtly little bow and she laughs.

“You two know each other?” Jesse asks. There’s a cheese board on the bar and he grabs a small plate and starts filling it.

“I worked here in high school, remember?” Cameron says. “Haven’t been back in a while, but the place looks really great.”

“We’ve worked hard on it.” Emma glows with pride. “Though we have a lot more planned.”

“We?” Cameron asks.

“Me and Hank. He moved back here a few years ago,” she explains.

“H-Hank lives here now?” Cameron asks.

Jesse looks up from his plate to see a funny expression cross Cameron’s face.

“Yeah. He’ll be around later. I’m sure he’ll want to see you,” she says.

“He probably doesn’t even remember me,” Cameron says, a definite blush stealing over his cheeks. “I was just another summer worker.”