Page 40 of His Christmas Love Song

“What’s in the bag?” Ryan asks.

“Oh, the Epsom salts. Let me add some and you can keep soaking while I plate up dinner. It came along with the groceries.”

Jesse stands up, finds the bag of salt and tears it open, pouring a quarter of the bag into the water.

“Wait, I thought you were going to get in with me?” Ryan sticks his bottom lip out in a slight pout.

“Next time,” Jesse says. “You relax, and I’ll come back to help you out in a few minutes.”

“I can get out of the bathtub by my damn self,” Ryan says, but without heat.

“I know you can, but I want to help.”

“Okay.” Ryan relaxes, closes his eyes. “Don’t think I’m going to let you off the hook.”

“What do you mean?”

“There’s something going on with you. And I’m choosing not to freak out over the possibility that you’re regretting this, but I really wish you would just tell me what it is rather than me spinning out bad scenarios in my head.”

That stops Jesse in his tracks. Ryan’s eyes are still closed, his posture is lax. But he’s got a tell, the groove between his eyes, as if he’s enduring some phantom pain. Jesse hates that he’s the cause of it. As quietly as he can, he shrugs out of the robe, slips off his underwear. He steps into the tub between Ryan’s splayed open legs, lowers himself in with care not to jostle Ryan’s arm or spill water over the side. Surprisingly, there’s room for both of them, two over-six-foot men, if Jesse folds his legs so his knees stick out of the water.

Ryan doesn’t open his eyes until Jesse lightly touches the divot in his lip with his forefinger.

“I’m in love with you, Ryan, I’m certain of it. But I haven’t been someone’s boyfriend in a very long time. I’m out of practice, and I’ve got to be honest, it’s a little intimidating to have to up my game when you’re so incredible, and I’m just…regular.”

“What do you mean, regular?” Ryan frowns.

“You know. I’m just dorky Jesse Arlyn. But you’re Ryan Winslow.”

“Sorry, I really, really don’t understand what you’re saying.”

Jesse huffs out an impatient breath. “Before I met you, I knew your face. I knew your voice. I was just one fanboy out of hundreds. Thousands. And after I met you, and I got to know you, I only liked you more. But I’m just a kid who joined the Peace Corps because he couldn’t make it in music. You’re the real star, Ryan. I’m just a satellite orbiting you. And I’m okay with that. But I guess I’m a little scared that you’ll wake up one day and realize I’m not that special.”

“First of all, you may not have been anyone’s boyfriend in a while, but you already know how to be a great partner. You already know how to take care of me. You’ve taken better care of me than anyone else I’ve ever known, up to and including my mama. So what if we don’t get all this relationship stuff right the first time? We’ll figure it out together, okay?”

Jesse smiles a little. He does know how to take care of Ryan. It’s pretty much his default mode, and now he can indulge himself all he wants.

“Okay,” he answers quietly.

“Second of all, I’m not going to sit here and stroke your ego about how many fan letters you get and how many Grammys you’ll have on your shelf someday and how my career would long since have been over if I hadn’t met you, because none of that even matters. What matters is that when it’s just you and me, just us, you know that I know you’re awesome. And if I’m as awesome as you say, then I must be right about how awesome you are. So you can just take that inferiority complex and send it packing. Okay?”

Jesse’s pretty sure he follows that logic, or at least he agrees with the part about Ryan being awesome, so he nods. “Sorry. I’m being stupid. Again.”

“Good thing I love you, stupid or not.”

Jesse’s heart feels like it’s bobbing in the water, buoyant and light. He grins. “Good thing.”

“And I’m not going to push, but I think we need to rip the band aid off. We’ll both feel better.”

“What band aid?”

“Sex. We need to have sex. Let’s just get it over with. How bad can it be?”

Jesse’s pretty sure Ryan’s joking, but his smile fades. “I just—”

“Look, this morning you promised me an orgasm. Was that a lie?”

“No, but—”