Page 77 of Off the Trail

“Yeah, because that’s what you wanted to hear.”

“What I want to hear is the truth, Blaze.”

Fine. “The truth is, in my experience, sometimes people leave suddenly and they never come back.”

He freezes. “Shit. I didn’t even—I’m sorry.”

I shrug. “It’s okay. Your plane landed.”

His face scrunches up as if he’s trying to work something out. “The airport—it’s the same one they…?”

What happened to my parents has nothing to do with what’s happening between me and Shawn. Does it? “Yeah, but it doesn’t matter. Forget I brought it up.”

“No, this is important.” He takes the cap off his head and runs his fingers through his hair. It’s gotten longer since I met him, choppy and thick. “I’m sorry if you were worried. The plane thing didn’t even occur to me. And I’m sorry I gave you a reason to doubt me. I wasn’t thinking clearly. My friend needed me. I thought my team needed me, but I went there and realized I’m not part of that team anymore. They don’t need me. But I figured out what I need. And that’s this place. And a different kind of life. And you.”

I shake my head. It’s too much. “You don’t really mean that, not for real.”

He juts out his chin. “Then why am I moving here?”

I can’t have heard right. “What do you mean, moving?”

“Well, call me impulsive, but I want to move here. I am moving here,” he says with conviction. “My old life? I don’t need it or want it anymore.”

I still don’t get it—my thoughts discombobulated, like I’m under the lake and looking up at the distorted surface through inches of agitated water. “You can’t move here.”

“Well, I can’t stay at the retreat forever,” he says, taking my words too literally. “But I can find something else when Marika finally kicks me out.” He sounds hesitant for the first time. “To be honest, I thought maybe you could help me with that.”

“No, you can’t move here because you don’t belong here,” I say, my brain stuck on the story I’ve been telling myself since he left. “You’re not a local. You’re not a construction worker. This is just you,” I whirl my hand around in the air, looking for the right word, “playing. Playing at being a guy who wants to live in the woods with a guy who’s never been anywhere or done anything outside of a hundred-mile radius. This is my home, Shawn, but it’s not yours.”

His brows knit together, and he puts a hand over his heart, rubbing as if it hurts him. I feel a sting of regret, but I don’t know how to take my words back.

“Remember when we were in my bed early on and I was worried about doing something you didn’t like? You were supposed to tell me, Blaze, you were supposed to tell me I was hurting you.” He looks physically pained. “That night, you told me to tell you if you did something I didn’t like, too, remember?”

I do, but I’m not about to let myself think about that night and the things we shared, the things we did with each other. I seal my lips together before I say something incriminating, like I’m sorry I hurt you. Or, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that you were hurting me. Or, I love you.

“Well, I don’t like this, Blaze. Don’t do this.” His voice cracks, cracking my heart a little. “I fucked up before, but I mean it when I say I’m ready to be here, to make this my home. To be with you.” He takes a labored breath, as if he’s got a stomach cramp from running too hard. “Maybe I misread this, and if so, I’ll leave you alone. I just thought you felt the same way.”

I thought I did. But I can’t take what he’s offering with open arms. What if he disappears again? It’s too big of a risk.

“I—I don’t know what to say.”

“Okay, well.” He smiles sadly. “Let me know when you come up with something.” And then he leaves. Misty watches the door close then glances at me, her expression saying I’m the biggest fool on the planet.

Obviously.

The second he’s gone, I want to call him back, to tell him it doesn’t matter how afraid I am, that if what he wants is me, then I’m all his. But when I go outside, the Bronco is trundling away.

Chapter 35

Shawn

Of all the ways I’d imagined it going when I got up here and saw Blaze again, him shutting me down wasn’t in the top ten. Call me naive, but I’d sort of thought he’d at least be glad to see me.

Instead, I’m left scrambling to pivot after my big plans were cut off at the knees. Again.

Does it hurt to drive away from Blaze when all I want is to hold him close, to walk hand in hand as we build up our lives together? It hurts like hell. Worse than recovering from surgery. Worse than my dad not talking to me for months. I get that I messed up by taking off, oblivious to how it would feel to him when I literally flew away at a moment’s notice, but I thought we were on the same page about everything else. I thought I wasn’t alone in my feelings. Now I don’t know what to think.

I drive past his and Brooke’s house without stopping, keeping on until I reach the construction site. I already told Luis I wouldn’t be there today, but maybe I can catch him, make sure he really wants me on the crew. Make sure that what Blaze said was just coming from a place of pain and not reality.