Page 60 of Badmouths & Bards

It was too much.

Gathering what was left of his will, Casimine pulled away from Ameriden.

“We have a meeting with a king tonight and a princess to impress,” Casimine said. “I’m just reserving my energy for dinner. If something was wrong with me, I would tell you.”

He hoped that would be enough as he reached for the door. Casimine hoped that his answer would satisfy Ameriden and that they could just get through the last hour before they would have to leave for the castle.

No, I need him to let this go. I need him to leave it alone, otherwise—

“Is this about Tala?” Ameriden asked.

The question made Casimine pause.

“This isn’t about, Tala,” Casimine replied, firmly.

“Is this about how we’ve been spending more time with her?”

“No.”

“Are you mad we haven’t been intimate without her? Are you—”

“This isn’t about her!” Casimine whirled, the layers of his tunic and robes swishing across his feet. “Why the fuck do you think this is about her?”

“Because ever since we started fucking her regularly, you’ve been acting weird!” Ameriden nearly yelled. “Whether you wanna hear it or not—okay, fuck, whatever. But I know you, Casi. I know when something is bothering you so just fucking tell me what it is so I can fix it!”

“You can’t fix something I never asked you to fix!” Casimine retorted. “There’s nothing to fix, Amer! I am perfectly content with my situation with you and Tala!”

“But you aren’t perfectly content, because if you were, you wouldn’t be acting like you’re about to have a heart attack!” Ameriden goaded. “Casi, what is the fucking problem?!”

“I’m in love with her!” The words unwillingly spilled from Casimine’s mouth. “I’m in love with her, but I’m also in love with you, okay? I didn’t mean to, Amer, but I do. I love you both, but I don’t know how to love you both and be Cashmere Fantasy. I don’t know how I’m supposed to want to hold you both, but know that our fans will never accept it. I don’t know how to pretend to be the prince of a world famous bard duo, when all I want to do is spend my days and nights with you both.”

Shame colored Casimine’s cheeks as his secret lay openly between them. His love for Tala—that had happened much too fast. The kind of love that bards of the past would sing about, rivaling love at first sight. It had snuck up on him during their time together, perhaps even sooner than he originally thought. Whether it was from the forced proximity of their situation, or the fact that Tala looked past the curve of Casimine’s princely smile—he couldn’t say. Sex had been the gateway to intimacy, but Casimine had liked her even before that. Deep in his heart, the space that had once belonged to Ameriden and Ameriden alone, was now filled with Taldesa Valay…

It hurt as if his heart couldn’t handle having the two of them together. Like it would burst with the intensity and devotion that overflowed the small space. They were so similar. Bullheaded, filled with conviction, and strong in a way that he could only dream of being one day. Casimine loved them both—how could he not?

But loving them meant that Casimine would be subjecting them to a life of privilege that was tied up in obligation. They weren’t royalty, but fame was its own monarchy. It had been difficult enough to shy away from Ameriden in public. To pretend like the other man wasn’t his entire world, to hide the sonnets and adoration in his voice whenever he spoke Ameriden’s name. To flirt with the illusion of intimacy on stage and deny it when meeting fans or interviewing local patrons.

And Tala? Casimine despised the thought of hiding her away. She might have been their bodyguard, but she had become so much more than that. Casimine wanted to walk arm in arm with her and Ameriden through the city. He wanted to see her waiting backstage after the finale of a concert, to swoop her up in a shared kiss. To listen to her critiques—even the harsh ones—as she fussed with the complicated braids in his hair.

Casimine wanted a normal life with them, but that would jeopardize everything he had ever worked for. It only took one fan, one rumor, and it would come cascading down in a landslide.

I can’t fail them, Casimine thought. I can’t have worked so hard to lose it all, now, or else they would have died for nothing—

Ameriden gently pulled Casimine forward and he collapsed against the taller man. Casimine felt heavy, like the weight of everything was finally making itself known. How he had managed to control his tears was a miracle in itself. The last thing he wanted to do was leave their bedroom and have to explain to Seira why he was sobbing like Dumpling had died.

“You’re ridiculous, Casimine Moonsong,” Ameriden said against his forehead. “A ridiculous man who I love very much.”

“You don’t hate me for falling in love with her?” Casimine asked.

It had been a fear that lingered in his mind. When they had proposed sharing a bed with Tala, that hadn’t meant sharing love with her. They both knew that once they left Vyrthsalis, that Tala’s work would be over. She belonged in Eshorion, with the Valiant Circle, not with them. Loving her was opening Casimine to heartbreak—he knew it, but he had fallen anyway.

“I could never hate you,” Ameriden swore. “Especially since I feel the same.”

Relief filled Casimine and he finally lifted his arms to wrap around Ameriden’s waist. He wasn’t sure what he would have done if Ameriden were to confess that he could never love Tala. That what they shared was to be over once they all separated or worse, if Ameriden had demanded he choose between them.

“But you aren’t entirely wrong,” Ameriden sighed. “Even as the most dramatic bard who ever lived, there’s truth in what you said. Our fans won’t take to her kindly. They can’t even handle us outside of the fantasy.”

“I don’t know what to do with this love,” Casimine said. “I want to tell her, but if there’s no future, I worry our absence will hurt her more.”