Page 52 of Teaching Roman

ROMAN: I need to see you asap.

Something told me I was too late to warn him.

The communications departmentwas nearly deserted when I braved entry. Steeling myself, I silently repeated Cassie’s mantra: I am a badass. I deserve better. I will demand more.

It was easier thought than believed.

Knocking on Roman’s office door, I waited with my heart in my throat for him to answer. When he did, he didn’t look happy to see me. He waved for me to enter quickly. He shut the door, and I knew it was going to be bad. His office was in bad shape. Stacks of ungraded papers, a box of books on the floor. He was always a little messy, but this was different. There was a recklessness in the air that made my own pulse speed up It was clear from the circles under his eyes that he hadn’t slept.

“I just came from a meeting with the dean,” he said.

Uh-oh.

“Brett tattled,” I said in a rush as if getting it out would somehow mitigate what he was about to tell me. “He doesn’t care that I’d already broken up with him. I should have known he’d be a petty asshat about it, but believe me, I had no clue how crazy he could get.”

“I’m glad he's out of your life. He’s unhinged.” Roman tugged at his top button until it popped open. The protective tone in his voice only made me feel worse. He was worrying about me when he should be worrying about himself.

“What did the department chair say?” I asked in a small voice.

“He reminded me that Olympic State has an ethical duty to ensure students receive a top education, and that a sexual relationship with a student undermines that responsibility.”

“A sexual relationship?” Just repeating it made me wince. We could claim things hadn’t gone that far which might mitigate their reaction, but only if Roman had denied it. If Roman had lied, it might save his career. But did I want to be in a relationship I had to lie about? It had been one thing to keep it a secret. This was another thing entirely.

“It’s an apt enough description,” he said.

He hadn’t lied, but that wasn’t what hurt. If the department chair’s comment had stung Roman’s remark sliced to the bone. I swallowed against the threat of tears. “I guess I thought we had more than a sexual relationship.”

“I didn’t feel like it was the appropriate time to correct him.” His lips pressed into a tight line. He kept his eyes trained on the wall over my shoulder.

“You’re the one who called it an ‘apt description.’ My words dripped venom, and if I was being honest, I hoped it would sting half as much as his careless remark had. How could he reduce what we had to something that sounded so vulgar? I wanted to throw up.

“I’m sorry, Jess,” he said, “but this is about more than a job for me. If I'm dismissed as a PhD candidate here, I won't be able to hide why from other schools. I'm totally screwed. Four years of coursework down the drain.”

“What will it take to clear your name?” I asked him. The pit in my stomach grew larger as I stared at him, feeling helpless and unwanted at the same time.

“I don't know,” he said in a low voice. His fingers pinched the bridge of his nose as he dropped down in his office chair. “If you weren't a student…”

I swallowed hard on what he was telling me. The only way to avoid destroying his reputation was if one of us left Olympic State. Considering he was already under suspicion, I knew it would make him look guilty if he was the one to leave. “I'll transfer,” I said. “The University of Washington is only an hour away and I'm sure I could get in.”

“Absolutely not. There's no way you're giving up everything you worked for because I couldn't keep my pants zipped.”

“What the hell?” I couldn’t stop the anger from spilling out. “When you say things like that, I feel like you actually took advantage of me. Newsflash: I'm twenty-two years old. I have a 3.9 GPA and I'm about to ace my goddamn MCATs. I'm not some child who you pressured to sleep with you. You are four years older than me, Roman.”

“I'm sorry.” His hand reached toward mine, but I pulled mine back. The last thing I needed was for him to condescend to me right now.

“When we were in Mexico you treated me like your equal. Now I don't know what I am to you.” I choked on the last word, barely able to hold back the tears mounting in my throat.

“You are my equal, Jessica.” He stood and stepped toward me, but I backed away. He didn't relent, instead he kept coming toward me until I was pressed against the wall. He dropped down so that his mouth was hovering over me. “When my department chair came in here, I realized how it looked to everyone else. You can't deny what other people are going to think about us. There’s a reason we’ve been sneaking around. It’s a big joke to your friends, but what's your sister going to say?”

“I doubt she'd care.” I turned my face away from him, unable to meet his eyes. I hadn’t even told him about the Student Ethics Committee, and he was already giving up on us. Maybe I’d be fooling myself that the age difference didn’t matter. It did to him obviously. “We were supposed to end this in Mexico. Maybe we should walk away. Lie. Tell them nothing happened.”

“Don't.” His finger pushed my chin toward him, forcing me to see the pain reflected in his eyes. “Yes, we said that in Mexico, but things have changed.”

“You're right,” I said, pushing out from under his arm. “We should never have done this.”

Fleeing the room before I broke down in front of him, I made it outside before the tears started. Cassie was right—we’d made a lot of bad decisions in Mexico.

The worst one I made was falling in love.