Page 99 of Handle Me

“Good.” She marched into the kitchen and returned a moment later empty-handed. “Now, why is tomorrow going to be that bad?”

“Why?” I echoed. “Where do I begin? Oh, how about: I’m going to lose my biggest sponsor.”

“You’ll get another one,” she said fiercely, adding, “I’ll help you.”

“Not with my times. I’ve lost my flow.”

“We’ll find it.” She planted her hands on her hips. “What other excuses do you have? Because I have all night to punch holes in them.”

Fuck, I loved her. Any doubt I’d had—and most of that had been trying to ignore the facts—was gone. I wasn’t sure I’d ever doubted it. No, I’d been scared of it—of her. Of this feeling that my whole life had changed the moment we met. And now, I realized what I was really afraid of.

“I fucked up,” I said softly. “Leaving you was the biggest mistake I ever made.”

Lola froze. The only movement was her eyes as they widened. “Oh.”

“Don’t worry. I know it’s too late,” I said swiftly, gathering the last shreds of my pride. “I know there’s someone else.”

“There isn’t,” she admitted, letting out a shaky breath. “I just said that so we wouldn’t wind up back where we were.”

Somehow that was worse. I was so pathetic that she’d needed an excuse to keep me from making a move.

“I deserved that.” Suddenly, I wished I hadn’t told her to pour out that bottle.

“I know you think your life is going to end tomorrow, but it won’t.” She moved a half step closer but didn’t reach out.

Closing my eyes, I dropped my head and tried to bottle up the words swirling inside me. But it was no use. I couldn’t keep it in. Not with her standing right here. Not when she deserved to know the truth.

“My life ended a month ago, boss,” I whispered, daring to look at her. “And the worst part is that it’s all my fault. I threw it away.”

“Anders—”

“I think I’ve been in love with you since the moment you walked onto my track.” It felt better to admit than I’d thought it would. Not that it would change anything.

She opened her mouth and closed it again before shaking her head. “You are not in love with me.”

My eyebrows shot up. After all this time keeping it in, now she was going to make me prove it? “Like hell I’m not.”

“Compelling argument.” She blinked rapidly and turned her head away, but not before I saw her tears.

I stepped forward and cupped her cheeks, gently guiding her eyes back to mine.

“I’m in love with you, Lola,” I said, my eyes locked on hers. “I’m so in love with you it scares the shit out of me.”

A sob escaped her, and she pulled away. “I didn’t come here for us.”

Her words snapped something inside of me. It was too little too late. I’d come up short once again, and I had no one to blame but myself. I swallowed, but the self-hatred continued to rise.

“Why did you come, then?” I demanded.

“Because I knew you were sitting alone.” Her voice shook, but she continued, “And I knew you were telling yourself all those stupid lies, and I know because I’ve been where you’ve been. Alone and feeling empty and unwanted. But none of that is true.”

“Really?” I hit back. “All evidence to the contrary, and you know what really sucks about it, boss? I know all those things are true because I made them come true. I had a career, and I blew it. And I don’t even care about my stupid car. I’ve been sitting here, trying to give a shit about losing my last sponsor all night. But I can’t because all I care about is that you’re going back to London tomorrow, and that’s it for us.”

“Yeah, because we’re incompatible, remember? You hate my world and everyone in it.” She sniffed hard, the tears flowing harder now.

I shook my head, wishing I could make her see. “I hate being dissected and watched. I hate that everyone is just waiting for me to fuck up again. I hate that they’re hoping I will. Because deep down, they all know I will. That’s why I left. It’s not about wanting their life or not wanting it. I just want something that’s mine.”

“Then take it,” she screamed back at me. “We aren’t like them. No one is going to hand us the world on a fucking platter, Anders! If you want something, you have to take it!”