Page 11 of Hard to Love

We spoke so badly to each other. I never meant the things I said, I wanted to warn her off. To scare her away. No, by God, she comes at me like a viper. Fucking hotter than hell.

But when her eyes locked on mine, I was shattered. I just knew Thayer hated me, though she would never forgive me. Sitting so close to her was too much for me. The flush in her cheeks was too much; I was a goner.

Six weeks ago, I fell at her feet to worship her. Nothing has changed but the way I get to do it. I can’t let ‘bathroom gate’ ever happen again. I have to stay far enough away from her until she can understand this isn’t happening.

Back to square one. The operation, ‘stay the hell away from my best friend’s sister,’ starts tomorrow, after I’ve had time to adjust my senses. And time to handle my hard-on because I’ll be damned if I can be around her with blue balls.

Damn. I want her more now than ever.

I start my truck, put it in gear, and drive away. Like I should have done a half-hour ago. Racing down Highway Seventeen, I take a long way around to get home. I need the road and deafening music to get this shit outta my head.

Drown is playing, so I crank it. Giving in to all the things I had put away years ago. Things I’ve tried to move on from, things that will never be talked about again.

I’m not a good man, never have been. I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes. Now, Thayer is one of my many causalities. Another piece of my life that I’ll live with regrets over.

Learning early in life, I would have to live with many regrets; I had come to terms with most. But this one, Thayer, I’ll put away with the one that haunts me. The one that never goes away. Every waking hour, I remind myself of what I did. The hurt I caused.

Is there ever a time you can pay for your sins and still get to be happy? No, I don’t think so either. At least, I haven’t found a way. Too many wrongs to make right. Mistakes that haunt my dreams.

I realize Thayer is hurting; it was more than in her words. Her beautiful blue eyes told me what I needed to know—she feels the same about me as I do her. Allowing me the escape of always knowing at one point, she loved me as I love her.

The disgusting words flowed as if I believed them when they came out, far from it. I’m so broken for having to say those things. I needed to show her I want her. I want to be sunk deep inside her. Giving her every orgasm she would ever want.

I want to give my heart to her openly and honestly. But it will never happen. There’s a tear in my heart that will never heal. Never allowing me to be whole. So I do what I do best. I walk away.

Growing up in foster care had its own issues; add mine to it, and it was toxic more often than not. The one family who tried their best with me, I walked away from. I was so afraid if I let them get close, to love me, I would lose them. So I pushed them away.

At some point, a caseworker called it my defense mechanism. Telling me, I destroyed things on purpose. Explaining to me I didn’t want to be loved because I was afraid they wouldn’t always be there for me.

She wasn’t far from the truth. Being afraid I’m the reason they leave, the reason they can’t stay. People in my life have either left or died. I feel like I’m cursed. Those choosing to stay haven’t always met a perfect end.

So yes, I push people away. It’s easier when I’m left alone. On the streets, since I was fifteen, I learned the hard way. I paid the price for holding onto things too tightly. What wasn’t taken, I threw away. I thought I had it all figured out. Little did I know; life will bite the hell outta you even when you feel you have nothing to lose. Loss is nothing new to me; it’s a life requisite.

To have Thayer would be a dream come true. A woman like her loves hard, a love I’ve never been given. To lose her because of this damn curse would be the biggest tragedy in my life. I wouldn’t make it out alive. Taking her under would decimate me.

Six weeks earlier…

Standing across the room, I watch her move through the crowd like a huntress looking for her prey. I stand there, waiting for her to find me. Want me. I wait for her to hunt me down. By God, if she doesn’t have me in her sights. She walks right up to me, and I fall at her feet.

Built like the goddess she is, her dark pink lips pout perfectly with her every word. I’m hypnotized by the sway of her hips as I follow her out the door. Entranced by the way she tilts her head when she speaks, her eyes crinkling slightly as if she is asking me to love her.

Never did she realize she was telling me to love her.

We sit in the back of my truck all night, talking. Around dawn, we drive to her place, eat leftover Chinese for breakfast while we sit on her kitchen floor, our backs against the cabinets, sharing a bottle of water.

We spend the day talking, in the same clothes from the night before. Later in the evening, we watch the last three seasons of SPN, never ceasing to share our lives. Thayer knows more about me than most people.

Only a few things I didn’t share. One is the reason I knew by the following Sunday evening we would never be together. That her brother was my best friend.

I’m not sure when it happened; maybe it just did. The most complex act for some simply was not for us. The deep connection we shared goes beyond understanding. I may have loved her then; I was so taken with her. Walking me out to my truck late Sunday evening, Thayer seems antsy, nervous even. Which, in turn, makes me nervous. At this point, we haven’t even kissed. It was always the elephant in the room but not imperative. Like we both knew, there was plenty of time.

Taking her hand in mine, I make small circles on the back of hers, trying to calm her. It’s then I notice she’s shaking. Indeed, Thayer isn’t nervous about an impending kiss. Does she not want me to kiss her? Play it cool, dude; take your time. Ask for her number; that should chill her out.

“So is it cool if I get your number? I mean, if you want me to have it.” Thank heavens it’s dark. I freaking jacked that up.

“Oh, yeah. I mean, of course. I’ll be home in two months; I thought we could meet up. If you’d like?” she asks, pretending to look at her phone.

“Of course, but I was hoping to come back down to see you before then if it’s okay?” Her head snaps up, and she begins to smile.