Page 38 of Hard to Love

I’m not even sure when Lea catches up with me. Wedding gown fisted in one hand, she takes my keys, helping me into my truck. Sliding behind the wheel, Lea drives me home in silence. Walking me patiently inside, she follows me to my bedroom, helping me out of my maid of honor dress.

While I’m curling up on my couch, Lea brings me a glass of wine. She plants herself on the floor beside me, twirling the tendrils of my hair with one hand. When my tears begin, it’s as if a monstrous fissure breaks inside me. Ripping me in two. I fall to pieces, not knowing what else to do.

Hardy believes he’s protecting me. Protecting me from him. He never wanted me to see this part of him, the details he thinks would keep me from loving him. Never considering those are the things that make me love him. His devotion, his regret helps him strive to be a better man. His guilt for the lives lost.

“Why, Lea? Why wouldn’t he just tell me? It’s me. I’ve shared every secret I have with him because I believed in our love. In his love for me.” The levee breaks as Lea joins me on the couch, holding me.

My mom comes over a little later with Lea’s daughter-in-law. One has the twins with the boy's help. I never would’ve imagined One with eight children, but he’s an amazing father. He even sent Lea a change of clothes; she’s been in her wedding dress all day.

“Oh, my God. Lea, go home. It’s your wedding night.” I turn to her, begging. She smiles her sweet, laid-back smile as she brushes my hair from my face.

“Not on your life, sweet girl. I’m where One and I both know I should be.” Kissing me on the forehead, she eases my head back down in her lap, where I’ve been for hours now.

“Your brother’s fine; it’ll do him and the boys good to take care of the twins.” Mom sits across from us as she places a cup of tea on the table, nodding in my direction. “He was born to be a father. And he knows you can use Lea more here. The girls ran out for food and a few supplies.” Mom finishes as she picks her phone up.

“Has anyone heard from him?” I search my mother’s eyes when she looks up from her phone.

“No, baby. Your dad and Chord went by his place, but he wasn’t there,” she says empathetically.

The rest of the weekend, I spend broken. Christy comes over to relieve Mom and Lea. She watches me closely. There’s no need as I begin to come to terms with all I’ve lost. He’s not coming back.

Chapter Twenty

Thayer

In the days after the ‘wedding disaster,’ the aftermath was immeasurable. I bury myself under work. Hardy hasn’t been around; One’s been by his place, but there’s no one there. Chord and even the boys have all dropped by or sent texts to no avail. Hardy, by all appearances, is gone. He refuses to talk to or see any of them.

There’s been no word on Eric; he’s also disappeared. As well he should, he came to destroy, and that he did. His vendetta against Hardy was a high price paid by more than Hardy. It more than likely explains Hardy’s reservations about us.

I refuse to call or text him. Driving by his house is unavoidable, though I try not to look. I go out to Still Creek every day. Not looking for him, just wanting to be with him. It’s our place, our home. By the end of the week, Hardy sends One a message, stating he no longer works for him. There’s a ‘for sale sign in his yard. He’s gone.

Every minute of each day, I try to make sense of this. Loss is never easy. People tend to come to terms when they’re ready. I’m not prepared. I’m not sure I’ll ever be. Trying to wrap my head around why Hardy thinks any of this is a reason to walk away makes me insane. Losing someone by death is the most heartbreaking, earth-shattering emotion known to man. But losing someone because they think it’s for the best is just devastating.

Do they think they’re saving the other person? Protecting them from years of heartache? Right now, I’d say ‘hell no, it’s for selfish reasons because I don’t think my heart will ever heal. Sometimes, there are no words to explain how broken you are or what even broke you in the first place. The deep-seated need to be held by the person who hurt you is somewhat masochistic.

Yet, here I am, arms tightly wound around my legs. Rocking in place, in the middle of my bed, I just need him. Wanting Hardy to make it all go away. But he can’t. He took away my option. My choice. He left me having to accept his decision for my life.

Why the fuck do people feel the need to make those kinds of choices for each other? You’re still leaving one fucked up person behind. Grieving and blaming themselves for not loving you more. It’s a chicken shit escape.

When days turn to weeks, the ache in my chest ebbs and flows. Like the tide on the shore, sometimes the waves break, the impact minuscule. On the other hand, sometimes the wave builds deep beneath the water, rising to an explosive wave that batters the beach. Taking with it the foundation which holds the shore together. The tide washing away everything except the bad. It stays.

Those dreadful weeks turn into a month. A month, into two. I find myself reverting back to counting days. Who does that? Me. Sixty-one days without feeling his warmth against my body. If I had ever worried I’d forget his voice or his face, my dreams remind me it’s an impossible task. The impact his presence made in my life was so altering it catches me off guard most days.

Still, I love him.

By the end of the third month, it’s clear I need to move on. Hardy’s never going to come back. I’m tired. Tired of waiting. Of being broken. Dreaming of him, wishing he’d just call and talk to me. Missing him and the warmth of his body. Hardy loves me even though he refuses to be with me. And I love him. I’m not sure I know how not to.

“Thayer, it’s dancing. Just us girls. No partying, no men. Besides, I’m fucking married to your brother. We’re taking my daughter-in-law and fiancées of your nephews. It’s just drinks.” Lea wrestles my niece, Harlyn, into diaper her. She and her twin brother Wren are almost six months old. Hardy’s missing everything.

“Fine. However, I will not be free to meet anyone. Got it?” I say emphatically. Lea lays Harlyn in her pack-n-play before turning to me.

“Thayer, I know, hurt. I know being scared to love. I would never push you, sweetie. It’s too soon; I get it. How are you doing?” Lea sits beside me, taking her eyes off of her children long enough to make sure I know she cares.

“The same, just hiding it better. I miss him, but I think, I know, I need to move on. Hardy will never come back now.” I wipe the tears falling from my eyes as Lea turns to me.

“Thayer, love makes people braver than they’ve ever been. It also makes them chicken shits. I, of all people, understand why someone hides their past. I also hid from mine. I was convinced I would be the downfall of Malone.” Worry mars her face at the thought.

“I remember. How did you ever overcome it? The fear?” She hands me a tissue for my constantly leaking eyes.