Page 58 of Hard to Love

“No, I’m not just like you.” Walker shakes me, knocking my hair down as I begin to scream.

“Erica was a mistake. An alcohol-induced one-night stand. We were at a game, went to a local bar. Erica was there, drunk and drugged out. We hooked up to get some blow. I had been depressed over Sallie and decided to blow off some steam. I hooked up with Erica. How was I supposed to know she was going to get pregnant? Eventually, Hardy came back around, and I was glad to be fucking rid of the whore. You don’t know how thankful I was to learn she had died.

“But then, Chet turns up with an autopsy and a DNA test. No trace. None. If I hadn’t gone to the doctor with her and took the test to prove I was the father so I could pay for her abortion, there would’ve never been any evidence. I had no clue she didn’t get the damn thing taken care of but bought drugs with the money I gave her for it instead. Fucking cunt.” About the time he releases me, I jerk away. Flying backward, I land on my ass. I sit there, gathering myself. When I look up, Walker steps back. I rise to my feet and go after him.

“You mother fucker. You knew you were the father to Erica’s baby? You knew and let Hardy pay? In more ways than one? Fucking dirtbag. You’re right; you are different than us. You’re fucking trash, asshole. Hardy’s paid a hefty price for your damn mistake. He’ll not pay another minute.” I push him away from me.

“I knew he’d tell you. I wouldn’t expect anything less from that bastard. He’s as sick and depraved as his siblings. He’ll kill you just like that fucker did, Sallie,” Walker yells at me as I walk away. “I thought if you knew it wasn’t his kid, you would go back to him. So I decided to hide it from you.”

Suddenly, I’m knocked to the ground. Walker presses into my back, his forearm digging into my shoulder. His breath against my ear. For the first time, I’m scared of him.

“Do you think you can just walk away from me? I’m trying to save you, Thayer. He’ll hurt you.” His teeth grind on every word.

“He didn’t tell me; you just did. It never mattered to me if he did or didn’t have a baby. Or if he left her. He paid for his wrongs. He righted them.” Panting my words from the weight of him on me.

“You’d risk him hurting you?” Walker sounds dumbfounded.

“Like you are now? No. But Hardy would never lay a hand on me. It was because he didn’t believe we could make it through the storm. What love is worth the trouble if it can’t shelter you when you need it most?”

“You’re going back to him?” Walker presses his elbow deeper. His fingers dig into my biceps.

“Move, Walker. People can see you holding me down. This is abuse just like what Sallie went through.” Trying to calm my voice from the panic I feel.

He rolls off me, and I scramble to my feet. Searching his eyes for a grain of understanding as to what he’s just done. Wanting to control life so wholly, Walker nearly became the monster that killed his sister.

Abuse has so many faces, but this is one I never expected. Holding so tightly onto someone that it manifests from protection to control. Turning from mental abuse to physical before it can be contained.

Taking a step back as Walker rises to his feet, I don’t move fast enough before he has me in his grasp again. Will, he not see what he’s doing is the same as what Sallie went through?

“Please. I’m sorry. I should have never touched you like that.” Walker’s eyes are pleading, his voice soft.

“You need help, Walker. This is wrong in so many ways. It’s no different.” Wrenching myself from his grasp, I find strength in my voice. “Besides, I never left him. You know that, Walker. He’s my home.”

Walker stands, no fight left in him, as I walk away. My mind races as I think of all that needs to be done. I’m sure my parents’ aren’t up yet, so I opt for One. At the next stop light, I ask OnStar to dial his number. He picks up on the second ring.

“Thayer? Are you alright?” His voice breaks with worry.

“I hope I didn’t wake you?” I ask, but I really don’t care, so I giggle.

“You sound like it. What’s up? Are you driving?” I roll my eyes, always the big brother.

“I am, but I’m on OnStar and only dialed at a stoplight. Because this morning, I’m hitting every traffic light known to man,” I growl as I come to another stop.

“Why are you driving?” His voice is calm, but I know One; he’s anything but calm.

“I need a favor. Would you mind going to the church early?” He mutters under his breath, but he won’t be complaining about long.

“Where are you going?” he asks not so calmly now.

“Home,” My only words.

Chapter Thirty

Hardy

I’m not sure how long I stand there as she drives away. Maybe I should’ve told her. I second guess everything when it comes to her. I want her to come back to me because she knows she belongs here. I’m her home like she is mine.

Sitting on my tailgate, I watch the sun rise over a new day. A day in which the reason I live is giving her life to someone else. She’ll warm his side and heat up his nights. One day, she’ll be full of the life he helped create. Not my child, his.