Page 81 of Saints & Sailors

I padded down to the first floor where Scott was in his music room, this time at his piano. He lifted his head at my arrival and offered a smile. Warmth and fondness in his eyes. I could tell he wanted this relationship with me more than anything. As much as I loved my mother and missed her, I couldn’t deny it felt good to be wanted here. To know that my father wanted to right his wrong and be in my life.

I hadn’t realized how fucked up I was over my abandonment until he’d hugged me tight and told me he needed me.

“What’s up?” Scott asked as I came more into the room.

“Do you mind if I go over to Cameron’s? She just broke up with her boyfriend and I wanted to have a girls’ night to cheer her up,” I said.

Scott’s brows shot upward. “Cameron and Aidan broke up?”

I nodded. “She was pretty down about it earlier today.”

Scott faced his keys. “Yeah, yeah, go ahead.” He looked at me again and studied me. “If you promise to be on your best behavior from here on out, we can cancel the whole grounded thing.”

I jumped at the opportunity. “I promise.”

Scott smiled and went back to his playing. It didn’t seem like he was putting any thought into it as his fingers flowed across the piano keys. The chords were all too familiar and I soon recognized he was playing Lou Reed’s “Perfect Day.” A classic.

“God, I wish I could play an instrument someday,” I confessed as I watched him play. Pianos always seemed so poetic and majestic.

Scott scooted down on the bench. “Want me to show you a little note or two?”

My eyes snapped to his. “Really? Hell yeah!”

I went and sat beside my father, too giddy to hide my excitement. School could be a drag, but learning music was a topic that didn’t bore me at all.

Scott patiently guided me through the keys, the seven notes ranging from A to G, placing my hands in C position, and the basic patterns of different finger combos mixed with using the pedal to smooth it out. There were four patterns he showed me and following his teaching, after a few rusty attempts, I was able to play all four, forming a simple song that had me smiling.

“When you speed it up, it’ll sound like this,” Scott began as he took over and played the patterns until a melody poured from the keys.

“You make it look so easy,” I said in awe of his skills.

Scott nudged me. “You’ll get it.”

I pressed a key. “I hope so. Nothing’s ever felt as good as music.”

“Nothing?” Scott repeated, curious as I now had his full attention.

Focusing on the keys, I thought of before and shrugged. Outside of the boys, life was just difficult for me. “I don’t know how to explain it.”

Briefly, Scott placed his hand over one of mine and squeezed gently. “Try. I’ll listen.”

There was no place to start but the truth. I was angry. I’d been angry for a long time.

I wasn’t sure when the anger started. As far as I knew, everything at the time had been normal, and then one day it bubbled to the surface and I couldn’t shake it.

“For a while, it was like I felt nothing at all. And if I did feel anything, it was just this anger. When I think about it, it was always there, beneath the surface. This unshakable rage. And at one point, it felt like I was looking for something—anything to numb it,” I confessed. “I’ve always just felt wrong, you know? Like I’m running as fast as I can to get away from being this anomaly, and no matter how fast I run, how drunk I get, or high…” I looked at Scott, tears rimming my vision. “…I can’t escape it.”

I focused back on the piano and played a few notes, sniffling a little as I gathered my words. Scott didn’t rush to say anything, and I liked that.

“But the thing is, my mom’s never looked at me like I did something wrong. Like she regrets me. Her parents judged me and she cut them off. I was just a kid and she didn’t think twice. She’d go to hell and back for me. And I was so shitty to her.” I wiped my eyes and shook my head. As much as I did want to stay here in Meadow Grove, I did want to go home at some point for a visit so I could properly apologize to my mother face to face. To let her know how much I appreciated her for loving me even when I wasn’t the best daughter.

“Sometimes I look at you and feel nothing, sometimes I feel angry, and then sometimes I feel like it all makes sense. Music, rebellion, and just doing your own thing. That’s me. I’ll never be a Cameron or a Dreux, but if you could just love me as is, that’ll be enough,” I said.

When I didn’t go on, Scott wrapped an arm around me and pulled me close. More, he kissed the top of my head and held me. It had only been a week and I never would’ve imagined feeling so right and comfortable against him when we’d met.

“Saylor, I’m going to love you no matter what you do, and that’s a promise,” he swore. “Nothing’s ever been wrong about you.”

I leaned into him and smiled, feeling content. I didn’t have all the answers, or any really, but as long as I had my parents and music, that was okay.