Page 105 of Crown of the Dunes

I did not have the strength to both stand by her side and watch her prepare to marry somebody else. So, I hid among the horses. I lost hope that Calix would make a mistake that Aderyn and I could use to uncover his true motives—and I couldn’t tell Keera to let the people go hungry without certainty that Calix meant harm.

With a wordless growl of frustration, I threw the hand float against the stall wall. It clanked unsatisfyingly to the floor, and I glared at where it lay. A sword would be much more satisfying in my hand.

“Everything all right in there, son?”

I stiffened at Kaius’s voice drifting down the stable. The stable had been quiet but for the gently noises of the animals, so I had assumed I was alone. Now, I let my forehead thunk against the divider between the stalls.

Kaius rounded the corner and stopped in the entrance, folding his arms. He wore a scowl, but the softness in his eyes told me it was just for show.

“Are you cursing at my horses?” he asked sternly.

“No more than you do,” I grumbled. I turned around so my back pressed to the divider and slid down so I was seated against it. Letting my head fall back, I stared up at the stable ceiling, resting my arms on my bent knees.

Despite how much had changed—how much time had passed—it struck me how familiar this was. Hiding in the stables from a queen that made me feel out of control in every single way.

Kaius grunted loudly as he sat down next to me, muttering something about aging joints. We stared quietly at the stallion whose stall we occupied, who didn’t seem to mind our presence now that I was no longer shoving metal instruments into his mouth.

“It’s hard, loving a queen,” Kaius started with no preamble.

I huffed out a breath through my nose. “It was never hard for you. You just stayed in the stables, being a horsemaster like you always have been.”

Silence stretched, and I could practically hear Kaius chewing his cheek beside me. “Do you know why we named you Erix?”

My brow furrowed at the sudden change in subject. “It means ‘great leader’. Just another way my mother heaped expectations onto my shoulders.”

“She didn’t pick the name,” Kaius admitted. “I did.”

I turned my head to look at him in surprise.

“I always felt guilty that I didn’t take up the responsibility of being a king,” he continued, a deep sadness written into his eyes. “Ruling was a heavy burden for Ginevra, and I feared I did nothing to make it lighter. Perhaps I chose your name because I was hopeful you wouldn’t be like me. That you would have more of your mother in you than of me.”

A lump rose in my throat.

“I wish I had gotten more of you,” I admitted, though the words burned my throat. More of my father would mean less of my mother, and less of Kelvar’s madness. “I think the queen would have liked that too. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have wanted to rip the power that belonged to her bloodline right out of me.”

At that, Kaius frowned, confusion chasing away the wistful sadness on his face. “What do you mean?”

I breathed out through my nose, grappling with control as the threads of magic knotted at the nape of my neck began to shiver at the thought. “Maybe she didn’t tell you, but she was researching a ritual to strip me of my power forever—to sever my connection to the desert. While I had always felt suffocated in Kelvadan, when I saw the scroll on her desk—that’s when I knew I had to leave. I’d rather be dead.”

There was a moment of awful stillness where my words hung in the air.

Then, arms were around me. I stiffened as I was hauled into a familiar chest, although it was not as broad or as firm as when I had been held to it when I was a boy. I clenched my fists down next to my thighs, shock coursing through my veins.

I thought I had grown used to touch, even craved it as I molded Keera into my side at night, and now I barely slept as I laid alone in my own bed. But it occurred to me that nobody but her touched me with tenderness—not in the past ten years.

My head swam and I blinked in dizziness as my father clutched me to him, just like he had often when I was a little boy, and not quite often enough when I was a teenager. I stiffened, but my arms would not push him away—and I was happy for it.

“She was never going to do that to you,” Kaius murmured, the waver of tears clear in his voice. “Ginevra told me about the ritual she found—and how she considered performing it on herself. She too feared her own power, and what it might mean for Kelvadan if her family’s madness came for her too. But she eventually decided against it. She would not have forced it on you—and I would not have let her.”

Finally, Kaius released his hold on me, keeping his hands on my shoulders and holding me at arm’s length as he considered me seriously. “And you are plenty like me, falling in love with a woman who would carve out her own heart for the people of the Ballan Desert.”

“And it’s tearing me apart.” I finally admitted out loud the horrible turmoil that had been boiling in my chest for weeks. “When I gave up being Lord of the Clans for her, I was confident I would do anything for Keera. I had never considered that what she might need was to be with somebody else, and I’m not sure I’m strong enough for that. I’m afraid of what I would do to keep her. I’m afraid of myself.”

The tears that had been welling in Kaius’s eyes finally spilled over, trailing down his weathered cheeks. He let out a shaky breath. “I have many regrets, but the greatest of all of them is that I have never known how to help you.”

A bubble of blood welled on my finger before finally rolling down my palm and then dripping onto the floor. Every one of my cuticles was ripped bare, but still I picked at them. I wished I had my sword to sharpen to channel the feeling of my skin being too tight. I itched for pain—for some sensation to latch onto that wasn’t the awful sting of lightning in my bones that wanted me to scream at the sky. But all of Lord Alasdar’s burn marks were healed to the point of dulled sensation, giving me no solace.

There was nobody to fight—no blood to spill and nothing to destroy—as I waited in Keera’s room for her. So, I picked my cuticles, and I waited. Finally, the door opened and she walked into the room.