Page 64 of Heart of the Desert

“But he knows the ways of our enemy,” she pointed at me, as if she were about to jab me in the chest but thought better of it at the last second.

I wasn’t sure if I was frustrated or relieved that her suggestion that I put myself forward as leader of all the desert hadn’t tempered her tendency to argue with me.

“We know what Viltov and Prince Calix are capable of well enough. We do not need another foreigner to tell us that he is ruthless and evil. You went too far in your blind campaign against Kelvadan by bringing Doran’s armies here.”

“And your fear keeps you from going far enough. Kelvadan must be retaken, and the Heart must be healed. You and Keera will only be able to lead the clans to victory if you are willing to take the necessary risks.” Her tone was firm, and her words made me look down at the Heart still clutched in my hand.

Kelvar had said a price must be paid. I only wished I knew what it was before the desert exacted her payment from me.

Chapter twenty-two

Keera

Itouched the young, fragile bond between Erix and I repetitively, the way one might press a bruise as if in doubt that it would still hurt, despite the dark mark assuring you of its presence.

Like a bruise, the reminder of what had been done was sore. My chest still ached with the phantom feeling of having my heart ripped in two. I needed to hear Erix say it—tell me why he had done it, even though I feared I already knew.

Already, I wanted to run to him and demand answers, but I waited and I thought. I sat down the beach, out of sight of the large encampment, where I had gone to collect the supplies and a change of clothes from our small band’s original camp.

The sun set behind me, warming my back as I looked out over the ocean with my chin propped on my elbows.

I had been left alone, and I had survived. And in my survival, I had even saved those around me from the chaos.

Erix and I were stronger together—even the desert seemed to think so, revolting at our separation and only calming when we reunited. But I had succeeded when I acted alone. The clansmen had obeyed me without question when I helped them save their horse from the sinking sand, and I had pulled Izumi and the Heart from being lost to the pit.

The sting of betrayal and anger still echoed through me, but the tangled ball of doubt that had taken up residence in my stomach the moment I agreed to be queen—only growing larger with each subsequent misstep—loosened a touch. My ultimate failure left me second guessing every decision, and with it, if I even deserved the belonging I craved.

But in the moment I had been left alone by the first person to ever soothe the loneliness in my chest, I had acted, and I had succeeded. It hadn’t broken me. And if I was still unbroken, perhaps I could learn to trust myself again, even after all my missteps. I would not be a queen who never made mistakes, but I would be a warrior of the Ballan desert who continued the fight even in the face of failure.

Now, the new bond fluttered in response to my touching, and I cocked my head. My awareness of Erix was not as sharp as it once had been, but a gentle humming in the tether told me he grew nearer. The crunch of boots in the sand confirmed what the shiver of magic in my mind told me.

Erix stopped and sat beside me, also looking out at the ocean. We had sat like this many times when he first offered to train me. When I suggested we marry each other. This time, I waited for him to speak. My hands shook, so I clenched them and tucked them under my arms. I desperately wanted to reach out and touch him—deepen the bond that already seemed to strengthen from his mere proximity—but not yet. I needed him to know what he had done to me, and I needed to hear him say why he had done it.

“I’m sorry,” he said, the pain in his voice causing my own chest to wrench uncomfortably. But I still wanted to hear his explanation. I deserved that much.

“I know.”

He swallowed audibly. “I had to do it.”

“Why?”

His tone was sad. “I was hurting you. I could not bear to lose you. For my own magic and madness to cost you your life—it was everything I have always feared.”

“I chose you.” I held out my hand, palm up so he could see the scar there, once red but faded to pink after months crossing the desert. “We decided to face these challenges together. But for a moment, I was left alone. You forced me to confront everything I have always feared.” I tried to control my words, to hold on to the truth that I had not broken. But I needed him to understand what he had done, and so my words came faster, and wobblier. “Do you know what it felt like, to have the first person to ever see me and not fear me turn away from our connection? How it nearly destroyed me?” I cut myself off, biting my tongue and taking a steadying breath. “But it didn’t. I kept going, because that is what I have always done. You don’t get to destroy me. Nobody does.”

As I bit out the final words, I turned to face him, and fire turned his silver eyes molten, even as he nearly flinched back with the force of my accusation. Seeing his hurt hit me like a slap across the face, and I bit my lips.

“You will not be broken, but I might,” he said, his voice deathly quiet. “I once said the world will not survive the way I feel about you, and I’m not sure I am strong enough to survive it either. It destroys me to see you hurt. I would rather our bond be severed than watch you suffer.”

My breath came shakily, but words bubbled up in my throat. With them was a thought I had never dared say out loud before, because deep down, I hadn’t believed it to be true. For years, I had thought my parents were right to leave me behind, because how could a mother leave her child to die if they didn’t deserve it? My failures in Kelvadan had brought those thoughts rushing back: I had been driven out of the city because I didn’t deserve a home. I was too naïve and made too many mistakes.

But today, when Erix’s presence vanished from my mind, after he had been at my side assuring me that I was never too much, the realization hit me.

“I don’t deserve to be abandoned.”

Erix’s face crumpled, and his silver eyes shone bright. “Of course you don’t. You deserve the sun and the stars. You deserve to know how deeply I love you every minute of every day. It was I who was not worthy, because I couldn’t bear to watch your pain, and I was not strong enough to protect you from it.”

I shook my head as I held out my hand to him, palm up. “If I am deserving, then so are you. I know you were trying to protect me by pulling us apart. We are stronger together.”