Page 18 of Everlasting Vows

“Yeah,” I say, my voice high-pitched.

Seeing Nix … naked. I don’t … I wiggle my tingling fingers, stretching out the ligaments, and close my hands into fists. My legs feel like rubber bands, barely holding me up, and with each step closer to our bedroom, my heart beats up into my throat, and I forcibly suck in more air to avoid passing out.

I shouldn’t be nervous about seeing my husband in the shower. It used to be commonplace. One of us would often sit on the closed toilet while the other showered. Sometimes it was the only place we could talk uninterrupted. We’d catch up on each other’s days and talk about the kids when he was home. Often, we’d even shower together once the kids were in bed.

I can’t even remember the last time we did that.

Numbness grows inside me like an insidious disease, and my heart feels heavy with loss.

How did we grow so far apart? How did we lose us?

We reach our bedroom, and Nix releases my hand so he can grab a change of clothes. He heads straight to our ensuite, and I hang back, dropping my ass onto our bed while I try to catch my breath. Dizziness assaults me as my heart skips into a fast rhythm.

God, am I having a freaking heart attack? I’m too young, right?

But this has been happening sometimes. My heart races for a few beats, then regulates. I Googled it. I know I shouldn’t, but I needed to check I wasn’t about to die. Heart palpitations. A common occurrence in women during perimenopause. Great! Add it to the list of shit women have to deal with. Like having periods every month isn’t traumatic enough, our bodies have to go through hell once we’re past the baby-producing stage. Like a punishment.

Nix walks out of the bathroom, stark naked, working his jaw so hard I’m surprised he doesn’t crack a molar. Raising my eyes a little, I watch his eyebrows dip low over his eyes—he’s pissed.

Well, I’m pissed too. What does he think is going to happen here? I’ll just fall into line like the good little wife because he finally sorted out my storage problem that he promised to do years ago. Because he’s ready to pay me some attention.

I mean, I want that. I want his attention. But I’m hurting too. I can’t forget all the months … years of neglect.

He drops to his knee in front of me, and I can’t help but drop my gaze to his dick. It’s been forever since I’ve laid eyes on it. It’s still as impressive as ever, even flaccid. My mind spins in all directions as I try to make sense of what’s happening. Why am I looking at his dick when I can’t seem to catch my breath and my vision is losing focus? What the hell is wrong with me?

“Abbi?” he grunts. I lift my eyes to his, and the worry that meets me drags me out of my head. “Abbi, are you okay? What’s wrong?” His warm hands rub back and forward along my thighs, his thumbs coming awfully close to my pussy.

My immediate instinct is to soothe him. I don’t want him to worry. I’ve already upset him enough this week by asking for a divorce. I don’t need to make things worse when he said he’d try to do better. I force a smile and place my hands on top of his, then squeeze, stopping their path. “Nothing. I’m okay. I just felt a little dizzy. I haven’t eaten since three.” I drop my eyes to my hands, still holding his.

He dips to capture my gaze. “Maybe I should feed you first, then we can shower.”

I push my lips higher, shaking my head as I wave off his suggestion. “I’m okay. Really. I can wait ten minutes, and I’d prefer to shower the day away first, anyway.”

Nix climbs to his feet and pulls me up. He spins me toward the bathroom and smacks my ass playfully. When did we get to this point? Doesn’t he realize how broken we are? As much as I want his touch, it’s not welcome right now. We have a long way to go before that point. If we ever get there at all. “All right, then. Let’s get you undressed.”

My eyebrows shoot upward, and I freeze in place. Apart from the disconnect between us that Nix seems oblivious to, I’m not groomed down there, I’m in the middle of a fucking heavy period that seems to have no end, and let’s not mention my basic underwear. I think my panties even have a hole along the elastic that holds them up. I’ll be the first to admit I’ve let myself go a little. I didn’t see the point when there was no one to appreciate my efforts. If only I’d known my long-lost husband was going to make an appearance tonight, I’d have been prepared.

Actually, maybe I wouldn’t have been prepared. He needs to earn his way back into my panties after I know I can trust him with my heart. Seems dumb to hold out at this point when we’ve been together for so long, but I can’t open my body to a man I can’t trust with my heart.

Nix pushes me gently from behind. “C’mon, Abs. The sooner we’re done in here, the sooner I can feed you.”

“You go first.” I jab my thumb over my shoulder. “I need to get fresh clothes.” How do I tell him I don’t want to shower with him. It’s too intimate.

He stops, still freaking naked, and studies me closely. His eyes narrow as they trace every part of my face. “It’s just a shower, Abbi. I know we’re not at a place for me to expect anything more than that,” he whispers, the muscles along his jaw softening as he laces his fingers with mine. “I know I have work to do before we get there, but let me do this for you. Please,” he almost begs. “We need to start somewhere.”

I know we need to start somewhere, but this seems too intimate, too soon.

My shoulders drop from around my ears, and my heart slows. He looks so much like my Nix. The one who used to be attentive. The one I’ve missed so very much. Tears well at the back of my eyes, and I blink to keep them at bay. His tenderness shouldn’t bring me to tears, but it’s been so long.

I suck in a deep breath and nod against my better judgment. Disappointment sneaks into the nooks and crannies of my mind. Once again, I’m forfeiting what I want to make someone else happy.

He smiles warmly and tugs me toward the bathroom. Once inside, he slowly removes each stitch of fabric from my body. I know I’m still in shape—mostly. His enthusiasm for fitness rubbed off on me, and I eat healthily and exercise regularly. But there’s still something so intimate about sharing a shower with a man, even if that man is my husband of 29 years. Intimate in ways I’m not used to being with him anymore.

Can I do this?

Do I want to?

When I dig deep to learn what I want rather than going with the flow to keep Nix happy, I discover I don’t. I don’t want to be this vulnerable with him right now. I don’t want him to think he can show up and suddenly everything’s okay again. It’s not. Far from it.