Page 41 of Everlasting Vows

He huffs a chuckle. “I could eat.” Tugging on my hand, he swaps our positions. “But I can get it. You sit.”

I push his shoulders. “No way, I’ve got this.”

He tells me about Violet and Jasmine and their connection to Toby Summer, the rock star Shane works for, while I prepare a sandwich with the steak and salad that was left over from this afternoon. While I’m at it, I scoop some salad into a bowl for myself, then pour two glasses of sparkling lemon water.

“Oh, and guess who I met,” he blurts after gulping down his entire glass of water.

I grab the water bottle and refill his glass. “Who?”

“Rose Phillips. The garden architect Theo told us about. I swear we live in a small world.” He chuckles mildly at the coincidence. “She’s going to stop by next weekend.”

My eyes widen. I hadn’t gotten around to calling her, too busy avoiding my husband. “Wow. That’s quite a coincidence.”

“Yeah, when she introduced herself to me, I thought the name was uncommon, so I asked her what she did for a living. I mentioned how Theo had given us her number.” He looks up at me. “She had nothing but praise for Theo and his work, so I definitely feel comfortable having him work on our project.” He grabs half of his sandwich. “Anyway, I know you were going to manage that part of our garden renovation, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask. I hope you don’t mind.” He peers at me, his sandwich paused halfway to his mouth as he checks in with me.

I wave him away. “Of course. It was the perfect opportunity. Why would you waste it?”

“I wasn’t trying to take anything away from you. I just want you to know that.”

“I would never think that. We’re a team.” Or we used to be. Not so much these days. “And our goal is to get our backyard ready for Prue’s wedding.” I shrug.

Maybe this would be a good time to talk about the way we don’t work as a team anymore. How divided our marriage feels to me. How he shuts me out and makes me feel isolated whenever something comes up with work or ‘his men’. But when I study Nix’s face, the dark circles beneath his eyes and the lines across his forehead deepening by the day, I realize now isn’t the time. He’s exhausted, and nothing good can come from a conversation we have right now.

I just need to look after him tonight. We can talk another day. A whisper in the back of my mind says I should initiate the conversation. After all, keeping things inside is what’s gotten us into this mess. But I can’t bring myself to say anything. It doesn’t feel like the right moment.

I scoff at myself. How would I know when the right moment is? I go out of my way to maintain the status quo. I wouldn’t recognize the right moment to have a difficult conversation if it came up and slapped me in the face.

Nix’s warm, calloused hand slides over mine, and he tangles our fingers together. Some of the tension releases from my body at his comforting touch. “You okay?” His worried gaze flits around my face as if he can work out what I’m thinking just by looking at me.

I force my lips to widen. “Yeah. Of course.”

Tilting his head to the side, he raises a single eyebrow in that sexy way he does when he doesn’t believe me. “Don’t lie to me. I don’t blame you for being mad at me the way I rushed out of here today and then … Rose. I know you were going to do that part.” He squeezes my hand, uncertainty clouding his features. “I’m sorry, Abs. I’m struggling to navigate the situation we’re in. I’ve never felt so unsure and unsteady.”

Tears prick the backs of my eyes at the lost look in my husband’s. My withdrawal and silence aren’t helping our situation. Nothing will improve if I’m not open and honest. I draw a deep breath, filling my lungs with Nix’s familiar scent and somehow find the strength to say what I need to. I measure my words carefully because I don’t want to cause him hurt, but it’s important to share how today made me feel for us to heal. He studies me closely, tension in his jaw and across his shoulders.

“At first, I was angry that you left our planned afternoon to discuss Prue and Luke’s wedding. I assumed it was some emergency with work, but when you told me about Shane, I understood why you needed to go. But that’s when the hurt settled deep.” His eyebrows dip low, and he opens his mouth, but I press my finger to his lips and shake my head. “Please let me explain.” He nods for me to continue, tension radiating off him. “I wanted to be with you. I could see how upset you were, and all I wanted to do was support you. Be there so you had someone to lean on. I always feel so …” I search for the word I need but can’t find it. “Blocked off from that part of your life. You always keep your work so separate from me and the kids. And you never lean on me.”

“Because you do enough for me. Isn’t that what you said? You do everything around here?” He taps the table hard with his finger. “I know you do more than your share around the house and with our family. You always have, and I’ve always known you’re more capable at that stuff than me. I figured the least I can do is deal with my own shit.”

“But don’t you see, when you shut me out, when you don’t let me support you, it makes me feel like I don’t matter. That you don’t value me enough to be there for you when you need it. Like you don’t trust that I can help you. That you have to do it all alone because you don’t think I’m strong enough, or something. It makes me feel insignificant and like you don’t have any faith in me as your partner.” I whisper the last part. “When you deal with things on your own … things we could and should deal with together … it diminishes our bond and adds to the wedge that’s built between us.”

He huffs out a long, heavy breath and leans back in his chair, his eyes assessing me like I’m a puzzle to be solved. It takes an incredible amount of focus on my part not to squirm under the intensity of his steely gaze. “How do we get rid of this wedge, Abs?” he asks. His voice bordering on despair.

I shrug and drop my eyes to the table. “I don’t know.”

We sit in silence. My mind blanks on what we can do. How to move forward.

But I realized something important today, and I should tell my husband.

Watching Nix, I draw in a deep, tired breath; my shoulders rising and falling in dramatic fashion. “I realized something important today.” His eyes snap up to mine, and my breath stalls at the wariness in them. “I realized that I don’t want our marriage to end. I want it to work.” I look out of the darkened window to our back porch. “I want to sit on those rocking chairs Theo’s making for us when we’re old and gray. I want to watch our grandchildren enjoy this gorgeous backyard we’re building. I want to enjoy sunsets and sunrises with you. And I want to love you until my last breath.”

Nix’s shoulders drop, and I watch the tension melt from his body. He pushes to his feet and drags me up with him, engulfing me in his embrace and holding me tight. “Abbi,” he whispers harshly against my cheek.

I wrap my arms around him, holding onto his shoulder blades as if I’ll never let him go. His body shakes against mine, and the realization that he’s crying breaks my heart. Cracks it right down the middle. He squeezes me tighter, and I relish the pressure and the closeness. It releases a knot that’s been tightening within me since I asked for a divorce. My eyes burn, and I do nothing to stop my tears. Together in our quiet kitchen, we hold each other and make silent promises that we’ll be okay.

Abbi

Today’s been tough