Page 77 of Everlasting Vows

He drops his eyes to my throat and screws up his face, sending tears streaming down his cheeks. His mouth twists before he presses his lips together and turns away from me, giving me his broad back. When his body shudders, I gingerly move beside him, squeezing my eyes closed against the pain in my muscles and pushing down the groan that wants to escape. I raise my hand to rest between his shoulder blades, and as soon as I make contact, he shoves to his feet and paces the length of the room, his fingers linked together behind his neck.

He raises his head, and when his eyes land on me, anguish surges across his expression again. “I never should have …” He waves his hand out toward me. “I never should have slept beside you. I knew I couldn’t be trusted.”

Guilt heats my cheeks. This is all my doing. I basically begged him to sleep with me even though he didn’t want to and now look at what’s happened. “It’s not your fault,” I croak, then swallow, trying not to wince at the pain, dropping my gaze to the floor. “It’s my fault. I-I-I wanted you beside me.”

Hurried footsteps grow closer, and his feet come into my line of sight. He drops to his knees and cups my cheeks. His eyes drop to my neck again, and he winces before capturing my tearful gaze with his own. Pain fills his eyes as he traces them over my face. We watch each other, our eyes filled with tears, our cheeks painted with them.

“I’m so sorry, Nix,” I whisper, my voice wobbly and rough.

He leans forward with a pained expression and presses his forehead to mine. I try to hold back a sharp intake of breath, but Nix notices, grimacing. “You’re the last person who needs to apologize here, Abs. I knew better, but I wanted to be with you. I was selfish.”

Climbing to his feet, he takes a seat beside me on the bed and wraps his arm around my shoulder, tugging me into his warm body and jostling my neck. “Ah!” I cry at the sharp jolt of pain.

He jerks away from me, clenching his jaw. “We need to take you to the hospital. We need to check that I haven’t done permanent damage to your throat.” He waves his hand toward my throat.

Panic wells and I shake my head quickly, causing more pain. “No. We can’t go to the hospital. How would we explain this?” I rasp. I don’t want him to get into trouble for something that was out of his control. “I’ll be okay. It’s probably just bruised.” I wince as I breathe in. “I just need to ice it and take some ibuprofen.”

He studies me for a long time, then nods, almost to himself. “I’ll go to the pharmacy.” He finds his clothes, then shoves down his sleep pants before getting dressed. “I’ll get some arnica to help with the bruising around …” He motions to his throat, like it’s too distressing for him to say the actual words. He shoves his feet into his shoes, then grabs his wallet and room key, and heads for the door. “I’ll be back soon.” Then he’s gone and I’m alone in our hotel room, feeling sore and defeated. He didn’t even look at me as he left.

I turn to my side and roll into a tight ball, landing on the cold, wet sheets, drawing more tears and snot. At this point, I’m not sure my tears will ever stop. I’m responsible for the utter destruction of our progress. I was so selfish. A wrenching sob shatters the silence in the room, and I cry out at the pain in my chest as my heart splinters into tiny fragments. Pain that’s far worse than that caused by the bruising around my throat.

No, this pain goes deep. Deeper than I’ve ever felt before. Because I know that as much as Nix loves me and wants to save our marriage, he will never cross the line by sleeping beside me again.

27

NIX

I storm down the hallway to the elevator and stab the button. “What have I done?”

This was everything I was trying to avoid.

What was I thinking, sleeping beside Abbi?

Why did I ignore the voice in the back of my mind that told me it was a bad idea?

Because I wanted to.

After years of abstinence, I grew weak. I needed to be beside her as much as she wanted me there, even though I knew it was dangerous.

I shove my hand through my hair. I’m the one person she’s supposed to be safe with, but I’m the person who’s the most dangerous of all. How am I supposed to live with what I’ve done?

The doors open, and I slip inside, shoving my finger into the button that will take me down to street level. The motor whirs steadily, and I watch the numbers light up as I descend. When the doors finally open, I jog through the lobby and across the street to the all-night pharmacy at the hospital.

Barging through the doors at three a.m. like the hounds of hell are on my heels grabs the attention of the woman behind the counter, and her head snaps up from whatever she was looking at. Unsurprisingly, the place is deserted, so I apologize and hastily search the aisles for what I need. I drop my items on the counter, the woman rings me up, and I pay, barely saying two words to her even though I can see her eyeing me cautiously.

Once I’m back at the hotel, I stop at the front desk and ring the bell for the attendant. It seems to take an age for someone to show up. My blood rushes through my veins too fast, and my skin itches as though an army of ants crawls over my flesh.

“Good morning, Sir. How can I help you?”

“I’m currently in room 506, but I need another room, please. Is room 508 or 510 available?”

His brow furrows, but he turns his attention to the computer in front of him and presses some keys, then looks back up at me with a satisfied grin. “Room 508 connects with 506, and it’s available. Would that suit you, Sir?”

“Yes, fine,” I snap. Then I remember the wetness that surrounded Abbi. She was so terrified of me that she lost control. “I also need the bedding changed in room 506. I had an accident with my bottle of water.” I hold up the unopened one I just purchased as evidence. I’m not sure why.

I watch his eyes widen slowly, but he maintains his professionalism. “No problem, Sir. I’ll send housekeeping up straight away.”

“Thanks.”