Page 28 of It Was Always You

Bodhi came over as she clicked send. She had no clue how long he had been watching her. He had walked by as she started reading, but had he read her message over her shoulder? Well, it didn’t really matter if he had. He sat beside her on the sofa looking quite serious. ‘What’s up, hun?’ she asked, rubbing his arm.

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and dropping his gaze to the floor so that locks of his scruffy blond hair fell forward. ‘Erm, how long are you hoping to stay in New Zealand, babe?’

She bit her lip. ‘I hadn’t really thought about it much. Why?’

‘It’s just that I’ve been offered a place on that cookery course that I wanted to take. Remember me mentioning it?’

She was puzzled. ‘Yes. Yes, I do, but you weren’t supposed to be doing that until next year.’

He glanced up at her; sadness and frustration seemed to be fighting for pole position on his features. ‘I know, but my dad knows someone who knows the head chef at Alonzo’s in Sydney. It’s the best restaurant there. It’s where almost every top chef has been trained. They’ve offered me an apprenticeship if I start the course next month. Me, Lil. This is huge. I really want to take it but I’m afraid…’ He dropped his gaze to the floor again and picked at his nails.

She grasped his hand to stop him from fidgeting. ‘Bodhi, you seem to be spending a lot of the time afraid lately.’ Is this down to me?

He turned to face her. ‘Lily, I have to go back home. Soon. But I’m afraid you won’t want to come with me. Coming with me means making some kind of commitment. I know you’re not really ready and I need to understand why that is. Is it because you know about my past? Because I’d hoped that you knew I’d changed because of you.’

She knew exactly what he’d been like before they met. He’d been completely honest with her. Too honest if the truth be known. He’d played the field and had his fair share of conquests behind him but then with his looks and that Adonis-like body, he could have had any woman he wanted. For some reason he wanted her and she still didn’t understand why.

She shook her head. ‘No, your past is your past. I don’t really care about that.’

‘Then can you be honest with me as to why you don’t want to make things work with me?’

She stood. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to make things work with you, but you said that you’d wait. You’ve said it more than once. I don’t understand why starting this course will change things.’

‘It won’t. Not really. But I’ve been thinking… I thought a lot while you were away in the UK, and I’ve been thinking since you’ve been back, too. I know what I said about waiting and I… I did mean it at the time. It’s just that I get the feeling I’m wasting my time here and that all the waiting in the world won’t change things.’ Pain was evident in his eyes. He had seen right through her at last.

She sighed. ‘Bodhi… it’s… it’s complicated. I really do like you. I do care about you. And I find you incredibly attractive. The sex is mind blowing⁠—’

He stood and grasped her by the arms, staring deep into her eyes. ‘Then marry me, Lily.’ He stared intently at her, pleading with his eyes.

She gasped. ‘What? Bodhi… what? I… I don’t know what to say. We’ve been together for what feels like two minutes… I can’t think⁠—’

‘But you’ve said you care about me and the attraction is clearly there. The rest will come, surely? We can work towards love. And when it’s right you know it’s right, and I just know, Lily.’

Heat rose in her cheeks and her heart hammered at her ribs as if making a determined effort to burst out of her chest. ‘But… why the urgency? Why all of a sudden do we have to rush into this?’ She shook her head and crumpled her brow as she stared up at him.

Bodhi exhaled a noisy, shuddering breath. ‘Can you honestly tell me that we’re going somewhere, Lily? Can you honestly tell me that one day – however far off in the future it may be – you’ll marry me?’

Her heart continued to pound as her mind raced through a million different scenarios, a million different answers she could give. ‘I… I… Bodhi… marriage… it’s…’ She tried hard to clamber through the fog of her mind at this preposterous and unexpected turn of events. Why is he doing this now? Should she lie and say that yes, one day she could marry him? No, that would be cruel, and lying wasn’t something she could do to this wonderful man. He deserved so much more.

He dropped his arms to his sides, sadness in his beautiful green eyes. Sadness she had put there. Guilt stabbed her heart.

He shook his head. ‘If the immediate answer isn’t obviously yes, Lily, then I think maybe it’s time I let you go.’

Anger spiked within her and the tears came. ‘But you said you’d wait! Why are you doing this?’

He stroked her cheek and his chin trembled. ‘It’s called self-preservation. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I want a future with you but I want all of you. Not the scraps of your heart that you’re willing to offer. I know it’s sudden but it’s sudden for me too. But all you’ve done since you arrived back is look at your phone and check your emails. I haven’t seen you type a single thing until this morning. It’s like you were waiting for something.’ His brow creased as regret washed over his beautiful face. ‘Lily, you lit up as you read whatever it was and then you were the same as you typed. You lit up for someone else. Not for me. And the look on your face was the look someone has when they’re in love. I should know. I know I have it when I look at you⁠—’

‘Bodhi—’

‘Let me just finish, okay? I’m not angry. I love you, Lily. I’m in love with you and as much as that won’t change for a long time, neither will your feelings for me while you’re clearly in love with someone else.’ He cupped her face in his hands. ‘If I don’t let you go now it will get harder and harder for me to do that as time goes on. And I’ll have to let you go eventually. And if I’m honest with myself, I think I know the truth. It doesn’t matter how long I wait, I’m never going to mean as much to you as he clearly does. Am I right?’

Tears trailed down her face as she nodded and sobs burst from within.

He encased her in his arms. ‘Thank you for being honest. I know this isn’t easy for you either. Can I ask you something?’ Unable to speak through her tears, she nodded again. ‘Why don’t you just tell him you love him, whoever he is? You may be surprised and find that he feels the same.’

She closed her eyes and swallowed hard. ‘He doesn’t.’ And never will.

He wiped her tears away. ‘But how do you know if you don’t speak to him?’