Page 104 of On His Team

“Oh, I can tell you exactly what he’s thinking.”

I blush. “And I don’t want everybody involved.”

“Lucy isn’t everybody.”

“Lucy is obsessed with my brother and bangs him all the time.”

“That is such a disgusting way to describe your best friend.”

“You know what I mean.”

She does.

If I tell Lucy, I either ask her to keep something from Benson indefinitely, which is unfair, or I accept that Benson might know. Then Benson knows Rowan kissed me. Then there’s a conversation between the two of them, even if it’s a perfectly reasonable conversation, and suddenly Rowan has somebody asking what his intentions are when he clearly doesn’t know. If he knew, he would have said so last night.

I don’t want any of that. I don’t want Rowan making a decision because four people are staring at him, waiting for one. I want to know what he does when nobody makes him do anything.

“I think I’m just going to be normal,” I say.

Mara laughs. “You?”

“Fuck you.”

“Sorry. Continue.”

“I mean around everyone else. I’m not going to make some announcement. I’m not going to ask him what we are after one kiss. I’m just going to…” I hesitate because the next part sounds suspiciously unlike me. “Let it happen.”

“Oh my God.”

“What?” I ask, scared of what she’s going to say.

“Personal growth.”

I make a disgusted sound. “I know.”

“I would rather you be insane and obsessive over him. Be fucking insufferable about it. Yank on the man’s balls, G. If you don’t, I’m going to hang up. Wait!” She laughs at herself. “Are you going over there today?”

“I always go over there on Sundays.”

“And are you going to kiss him again?”

My stomach turns over. “I hope so.”

“Are you going to fuck him?”

I laugh. “Goodbye, Mara.” I hang up on her.

Lucy comes out of her bedroom while I’m making coffee about twenty minutes later, and I have the disorienting experience of looking at my best friend and realizing I have something I am purposely not telling her.

Usually, withholding information from Lucy requires actual effort. I have told this woman things while she’s asleep because waiting until morning felt unreasonable.

She yawns and opens the refrigerator. “We’re out of creamer.”

“There’s oat milk.”

“That’s not creamer.”

“It comes from the same emotional family.”