Page 103 of Not Until I Found You

Dad’s choice to leave us had nothing to do with me. Or Ashton. Or even Mom. I can’t hang on to that anymore if I want to forgive him and move forward. My brother choosing something different for himself wasn’t a betrayal. It was part of his own path that he had to take, and I need to respect that. If it wasn’t for that path, I wouldn’t be in Covewood today.

It’s as if a veil has been lifted and I can finally look back on my life with different eyes, because for so long, all I could see were the things I’d lost. But being here now, I can see traces of God in the places I missed before. I think about the woman who used to help Mom and me out by driving me to school when our car broke down for nearly a month. How she never complained and showed up every morning with a smile and a thermos of coffee for Mom. I think about Ashton warning me about Derek long before I was willing to listen. About the uneasiness I carried every time Derek asked me to put my dreams on hold, even when I kept convincing myself everything was fine.

Maybe God’s been speaking all along. Not through grand miracles or burning bushes, but through people, through nudges, and through the doors that refused to stay open no matter how hard I pushed.

Dad might have left me, but God never has. Religion might have failed me, but God is so much bigger than religion. Every step I’ve taken, both good and bad, worked together to lead me here. And much like this hike, where easy paths can suddenly drop into trenches and fallen trees force us to find a different way forward, my life has looked a lot like that too. But maybe God was guiding me even when I couldn’t see the trail.

The thoughts land gently, like they’ve been waiting for me to be quiet long enough to hear them. God was there all along. In the grit, in the provision, in the way I kept going even when I didn’t know how. I had to walk through those trenches to get to the place where God intended for me to be.

Sometimes God puts the miracle on the other side of the hardest step. The one you’re most afraid to take.

The trail bends sharply, the trees thinning just enough to reveal the world dropping away beneath us. A group of men passes on their way down, and I watch them longer than I mean to, noticing the ease in their faces, the loose swing of their arms, as they disappear around the bend. The longing aches in my chest.

Does this really work?

I keep climbing. Different types of plants line our path, ferns unfurling, wildflowers pushing through stone. My chest eases as I study them, my breath finding a steadier rhythm, and the tears start to dry on my cheek.

God, I’m sorry for getting angry. I’m sorry for focusing on all of the negatives when there has been so much good in my life. I need some clarification for Your will in my life. What do you want me to do?

A scream cuts through the trees. It’s a woman’s voice, sounding raw and unfiltered, tearing free of whatever she carried up here. The sound raises goosebumps along my arms, the hair at the nape of my neck prickling as if my body recognizes that I’ll be next.

I’m ready for this. The air feels charged as the trail begins to level out, the trees thinning until the sky opens above us. The top is only a few steps away now. Warmth spreads through my chest, down my arms, wrapping around me like an embrace.

We continue upward on the trail, and a minute later, we pass the woman on her way down. Her steps are light, her face softened with peace, and I’m happy for her.

The view opens wide before us. Wildflowers spill across the clearing in soft, unruly patches, their colors bending together gently in the breeze, as their sweet, earthy scent is carried through the air. Just beyond them, the land drops away into miles of untamed forest, rolling hills layered in endless shades of green, and a glimmering lake in the distance. The wind brushes against my skin, as if the mountain itself is welcoming me.

It’s overwhelming in the best way.

Zane takes the first step forward. He moves slowly, his shoulders lifting as he inhales…and pauses. He stops near the edge then looks back at me, and a flash of unguarded openness shines within his eyes. I wonder what he carried up here. What he’s ready to release.

He turns back toward the valley, tosses his hands out, and lets it all go. The sound of his shout rips free from him. It’s loud at first, fading into a peaceful sound by the end, taking all the wind from his lungs. It echoes across the hills, breaking apart, and then returns softer until it’s silent again. The only sound left is the wind rushing past us, the wildflowers bowing under its force.

He stands there for a moment, breathing hard, before he turns around. I can see the change in him instantly. His posture has loosened, his eyes seem clearer, and the weight he carried up here has evaporated. Then, his hazel eyes land on mine, a smile breaking across his face, and he walks toward me with an outstretched hand.

My breath hitches as he takes my hand into his and leads me closer toward the edge. I was more than ready to experience this only a few moments ago, but now I’m feeling everything too much, like even the trees around us are squeezing in closer and the air is pushing harder.

Zane goes to release his hold on me, but I reach back, giving him a tight squeeze. My eyes widen as I silently plead for him to stay, as the tears return to my eyes, and I’m unsure of my sudden fear. He gives me a nod that silently says You can do this before he steps back, dropping his hands to his sides.

I turn around, allowing my eyes to trace over the scene before me. I think about everything I’m ready to let go of. The anger I’ve been dragging around, the belief that I was abandoned, the shame of the choices I’ve made, and the grief of being left.

I’m done carrying it all.

God, this is it. I want to let this hurt and pain go. I want to move forward with forgiveness and grace. I want you in my heart. I want to give it all to you and trust in your plans.

I breathe in deeply, but instead of screaming right away, I decide to surrender with my whole heart, opening wide, much like the scenic view on top of this mountain. When I finally scream, my voice breaks open, releasing everything I’ve been holding onto for years. When it fades, I inhale deeply, focusing on filling the empty spaces with grace, and peace, and the certainty that I’m not alone. I never was.

Warmth blooms inside me, spreading fast, down my spine, through my chest, into my hands and feet. My skin tingles, like every nerve ending has woken up all at once. I recognize it as love, its presence pressing in from everywhere. And for the first time ever, I feel whole.

I fall to my knees, the force of it surprising me, overwhelmed by this feeling. Tears come fast, slipping down my cheeks and dripping down onto the dirt below. I don’t fight them anymore. I welcome them with opened hands, palms up, surrendering in the most honest way I know how. My head bows, and a prayer spills out of me.

I stay there for a long time. Long enough that the world softens around the edges, as my chest finally loosens, and the tightness uncoils with every breath. At some point, I sense Zane beside me. He doesn’t say a word as he places a steady hand on my shoulder and bows his head also, meeting me in the stillness.

We stay like that for a long time, until my tears slow and my chest loosens. I take a final deep breath, exhaling the remainder of the weight inside of me, and inhale a new life. As I do, a smile spreads across my face, and I turn around until I can see Zane.

A laugh jumps out of me, and it surprises us both. It breaks whatever lingering tension remains, the sound ringing brightly against the quiet of the mountain. Zane watches me like he can read whatever is written plainly across my face, his own expression easing with every second.

We both rise to our feet, and without overthinking it, I step into him and kiss him. It’s a promise pressed quietly against his lips that I’m choosing him. His hands come up instinctively, holding me like he already understands more than words could even explain.