Page 118 of Not Until I Found You

Her mouth presses into a thin line. “I’m worried about you.”

“I know you’re worried. But do you have any idea how exhausting it is to finally feel certain about something, only to have your mom think that you’ve lost your mind?”

“Now, wait a second. I don’t think⁠—”

“Because I found myself here,” I fire back, emotion breaking through my words. “For the first time in years, I actually know who I am and what I want.”

She watches me carefully this time, without interrupting, which I’m thankful for. I push forward before I lose my nerve, because I desperately need to get this out. For her to finally understand why I’ve made this decision.

“Before I came here, I was constantly trying to be a version of myself that Derek needed me to be. Everyone around me always had an opinion about what my life should look like.” I pause for a second and swallow hard, because my next words are hard to admit to her. “Somewhere along the way, I stopped asking what I wanted out of life.”

A silence stretches for a moment before I continue.

“I don’t think I realized how lost I’d become until I came here. I started hiking again and working in the greenhouse with Dad. I’ve spent time with people who actually like me without expecting me to perform for them. I started making decisions because they mattered to me, not because they made someone else happy. I no longer feel like I’m pretending all the time.”

The determination in my mom’s face slowly gives way, her shoulders lowering almost imperceptibly as she takes in my words. “I genuinely came here to try to help. I didn’t want you to make the same mistake twice.”

“I’m not making the same mistake,” I say immediately. “And Zane’s not—” I stop myself, pressing my lips together as I try to rein it in. “He isn’t anything like Derek.”

“Then tell me how he’s different,” she demands. “Help me to understand.”

I stare into the tea swirling inside my mug, watching the ripples settle as my fingers tighten around the warm ceramic. I draw in a slow breath.

“Zane doesn’t expect anything from me,” I start slowly. “He doesn’t need me to change or give anything up for him. I can be myself when I’m with him.”

My fingers trace along the rim of the mug as I gather the rest of my thoughts.

“When things with Derek fell apart, I didn’t even know what I was supposed to do next. The only thing I could hold onto was going back to school and finishing what I started. That was it. That was my whole plan.”

I glance up at her. She’s watching me intently, her brows pulled together in concentration. I appreciate her willingness to hear me out.

“I didn’t realize that I had no idea of who I was anymore. And Zane didn’t try to fix it. He was only there for me, as a friend—one I hadn’t realized I needed at the time. He listened, gave me space when I needed it, and let me figure things out without pushing me in any direction.”

I pause as Mom reaches over and takes my hand into hers. She squeezes my fingers, her thumb brushing over my knuckles the way she used to when I was a kid.

“Being here gave me room to breathe again. To think clearly and exist without feeling like I was constantly trying to keep up with everyone else’s expectations.”

I press my lips together, blinking past the sting building behind my eyes as that truth sinks in. A faint, almost disbelieving smile tugs at the corner of my mouth. Beside me, Mom shifts on the couch, the cushions dipping as her hand gives me a slight squeeze, silently encouraging me to continue.

“And while I was here, I rededicated myself to Jesus.”

Her breath catches as the lines in her forehead ease. Her gaze dances over my face, like she’s trying to piece together when I changed without her noticing.

“It feels as if God Himself brought me here to Covewood.” I meet her eyes again, hoping that she’ll hear what I’m trying to explain to her. “And he used Zane to help lead my heart back to Him.”

God disrupted my life. I’d always thought that disruption meant punishment, as if something had gone wrong, but I can see it now as being mercy. Maybe it was God stepping in when I couldn’t see past my own stubbornness and was too busy choosing the safest option, which was whatever looked better on paper.

If God hadn’t uprooted me, hadn’t allowed my heart to be broken wide open, and sent me running to a town I’d never planned on loving, would I have slowed down long enough to listen to Him? If none of it had happened, I never would have met Zane, and yet God’s disruption led me right to him.

Mom swallows, eyes lingering on mine, when she finally says, “I didn’t know you felt…lost like that.”

“I’ve never felt more sure of who I am than I do right now.” I take a breath before adding, “And being closer to Dad and Ashton matters to me too. Three months ago, I never would’ve imagined Dad and me having the relationship we have now. I don’t want to walk away from that, not when we’re finally finding our way back to each other.”

Mom doesn’t speak right away. Her gaze drops to our hands as she takes a moment to sit with everything I’ve said. Her fingers trace my butterfly tattoo on my wrist, and when she finally looks up at me, I see a shift there.

“So, wanting to move to Covewood is much more than just because of some guy. I guess I didn’t allow myself to see any of that,” she admits quietly. “I only saw Covewood taking you away from me too.”

The defensiveness I’ve been carrying all evening loosens enough for me to finally see the fear beneath her words. It no longer feels like she’s trying to control my future. She’s only afraid of losing her place in it.