Page 122 of Not Until I Found You

I close my eyes briefly, because neither do I, and that’s the worst part about all of this. Before I can figure out how to answer, the back door swings open as Ryland steps outside, wiping sweat from the back of his neck with one hand.

His assessing gaze moves between the two of us.

“Well,” he drawls slowly, “this looks ominous.”

Neither of us answers him.

He walks over, stopping beside Ashton before crossing his arms. His shirt is already damp from sweat, his baseball cap turned backward, work gloves shoved through his belt loop. Normally, he’d be cracking jokes by now, trying to lighten the mood somehow. But today, he looks concerned, and I guess he has a right to be.

His eyes settle on me. “Alright. What’s going on with you?”

My gaze lowers toward the ground because I don’t want to see the disappointed look in either of their eyes. I want to be left alone and try to survive this day so I can go home and come up with a plan to make things right, even if I’m not sure how to do that yet.

“Zane, please,” Ryland demands.

I lean back against the trailer behind me and stare down at the ground, trying to organize the thoughts that haven’t made sense since last night.

“I think I messed up,” I admit.

Ashton lets out a humorless breath beside me. “Yeah, you think?”

I nod once, accepting it, before the rest finally spills out of me.

I tell them about how Maxinne’s mom showed up unexpectedly, about how she questioned whether Maxinne was making another mistake, and how it ripped open every fear I thought I had under control. I tell them about how I stood there listening to Maxinne make plans to split her life between Westbridge and Covewood, while panic crawled its way up my throat. And finally, I explain to them the part that’s been eating me alive since last night.

“I don’t want her shaping her future around me,” I admit. “She already did that once, and look how that turned out for her. I can’t be another man standing in her way.”

We’re silent for a few seconds. The only sound around us is the distant hammering and drilling from inside the house. I drag a hand through my hair and shake my head.

“If she moves here, I need to know it’s because this is truly what she wants, not only because of me.”

When I finally look up, both Ashton and Ryland are staring at me with nearly identical expressions, a mixture of understanding and frustration tangled together. Ryland exhales first, his tongue pressing briefly into his cheek before he speaks.

“Man…” He shakes his head. “You sound like me.”

I frown at that, confused.

Ryland glances out toward the road for a second. “I thought letting Raine go was the right thing to do. I thought I was protecting her in my own way, but it turned out that she ended up getting hurt anyway. You were there, watching, as I spent ten years without her, regretting the choices I made.”

The weight of his words hangs in the air, much like the thick and miserable humidity right now. Ryland drags a hand across his jaw before looking back up at me, his composure slipping for half a second before he pulls it back together.

“You’re sitting here, acting like pushing her away is noble, but did you ever stop to think that maybe Maxinne deserves the chance to choose you for herself?”

I freeze, letting his words wash over me, as Ryland holds my gaze. My jaw tightens, and I look away, scrubbing a hand over the back of my neck while uneasiness twists low in my stomach.

“I let my wife walk away too,” Ashton adds, the sadness in his voice cutting through me. “It’s been two years, and there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t regret standing there and convincing myself I was doing the right thing by letting her leave.”

He lifts his eyes to mine then, and there’s nothing but honesty shining back at me.

Ashton continues, “No relationship survives without risk, Zane. Eventually, you have to decide if losing her is worth protecting yourself.”

Ryland’s advice keeps circling through my head. Maybe Maxinne deserves the chance to choose you for herself. I stare out toward the road again, and all I can think about is the look on Maxinne’s face last night when I told her that we were moving too fast. A sick feeling twists through me as I realize that Ryland is right.

I wasn’t protecting her. I was protecting myself. I let my past convince me that history was destined to repeat itself, only because I was terrified of losing her. I know, deep within my soul, that Maxinne isn’t Lily. What we have together doesn’t resemble that relationship even remotely.

The way we feel about each other isn’t something that’s fragile. It’s been steady from the beginning. We’ve been nothing but honest and intentional. We’ve built everything carefully, piece by piece, with prayer and patience and God woven through every part of it.

God, I’m sorry I allowed doubt to get the best of me when I know I should have trusted in you the whole time. Please forgive me. Please help me fix this.