Page 47 of Yours on the Canvas

“A man who will look at you and see everything I see. He’ll see your heart, how kind and brave you are. And he will love you for every piece of you.”

I stare at her, not quite understanding.

“When you find him, sweetheart, don’t be afraid of that love.” Her fingers curl gently around mine. “Reach for it, sweet boy.”

She threads her fingers through mine and squeezes, and a sob catches in her throat. But she forces herself to smile.

She releases my hand and pulls off her wedding ring. I’m confused, that’s her wedding ring. She never takes it off, why would she now.

“And when that man comes into your life, you don’t run from him.” She presses my little hand against her heart.

“You let him love you, and you give him this.” She slips the ring onto my thumb. “This is for the man you love, Jack. You give him this.” Her eyes close as she holds my hand tighter. “And you love him back with everything you have,” she whispers the last words against my hand.

“Reach for that love, sweetheart. Grasp it with both hands… and you never let go. Promise me, Sweet boy.”

I nod, “I promise mumma.”

We lay there quiet and still, Mum holding my hand, her watching me, and I can feel my eyes getting heavy.

I hear the words she whispers to me as I fall asleep, under that bed with dust and cobwebs as my companions. I feel her hand heavy in mine, and her thumb lightly rubbing against my knuckles.

Her words lull me to sleep.“I love you, Jack. You are loved. I’m so sorry.”

* * *

I wake to silence where my mum should be, and sound of heavy footsteps moving through the house. I stay where I am because that’s what she told me to do, but that is when I hear him, and my small body shakes with fear.

Uncle Ray.

“Where the fuck is he, Sonya.” His voice full of rage, and I press myself further back against the wall.

“You don’t get him anymore, Ray. No more. He is a little boy. You need to stop this.” I can hear her voice shaking as she stands her ground.

Then I hear her cry out, a sharp sound that makes my whole body lock up.

“Ray, let me go. Dale, help me!”

“I won’t ask again, Sonya, Where. The. Fuck. Is he?” His words come out low and dangerous, and my body is shaking so hard the dust around me stirs.

I cover my mouth and nose, fighting the urge to sneeze. I can’t make a sound. I can’t let him find me.

“I’m not telling you, you don’t get him anymore, Ray. This is over. Dale, you need to stop this. He’s your son, your own flesh and blood, and you just let Ray do this to him!”

I hear my father say something, but his voice is too quiet to make out. Then I hear my mother crying.

“Dale, he’s just a baby. You can’t…”

“Enough!” Ray’s shout shakes the walls, and his next words hit me like a blow.

“Last time, Sonya. Where the fuck is he?”

“I’m not telling you.”

A frustrated growl tears out of him.

“You never deserved him, Dale. He has a good heart, and all you want to do is break it. You’ll never be his dad.”

Tears run hot and fast down my face, my hand clamped over my mouth to stop the sobs. And then I hear it.