Page 63 of Mr. Darcy’s Diamonds

“And tonight? Perhaps you should retire. You are too far gone to celebrate more than you already have, I fear.”

“I will go home. You need not worry. You have ruined my chance for diversion tonight.”

The rest of their words were muted, and Elizabeth realized they had moved away.

She knew not how long she remained where she was. She was appalled by Mr. Bingley’s intentions, sick for Jane, grateful Mr. Darcy had stopped his friend from betraying her cousin. Though they were not engaged, it would still have been a betrayal. Had Mr. Darcy been honest in all he said? He had no reason to lie, and he had sounded earnest.

Oh, why did she have to learn something good of him when she was determined to dislike him? Something good? She scoffed at herself. To find a man of no more than common decency should not raise him in her opinion. Surely his views were the norm. Neither Uncle Bennet nor Uncle Gardiner were unfaithful to their wives. Mr. Darcy was not a pillar of virtue; it was only that Mr. Bingley, who had briefly been as a brother and who she hoped would be again, had very nearly sunk himself in her opinion.

She could not long fool herself that Mr. Darcy’s virtue was as common as it should be, however. How could she when she spent so many hours each week at the Foundling Hospital and saw the results of the lack of virtuous behavior? She herself was such a result. She could not help but be proud of Mr. Darcy, because he had once been her friend, for not contributing to the number of children at the hospital.

Should she tell Jane what she had overheard? It sounded as though Mr. Darcy had exerted his influence over his friend, so perhaps she need not intervene.

Elizabeth soon had cause to wonder what else Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley had discussed before the former went to his northern home. Not three weeks passed before Jane wrote that Mr. Bingley had visited Longbourn after all. They were engaged.

Darcy and Georgiana rode out together most mornings since their return home two months prior. They ate most of their meals together, and she played for him whenever he had no outside engagements. He absorbed her chatter about schoolmates and her studies contentedly. They discussed the possibility of her leaving school after one or two more terms. He also appreciated the permission she gave him to remain silent more often than not.

Foremost in his mind was Elizabeth, as usual. The Bingleys and society in general had also occupied too many of his thoughts of late. Between Miss Bingley spreading lies about Elizabeth and her brother having to be reprimanded into choosing virtue, he wondered what their parents had taught them. They had been younger than he had been when losing their second parent, but they had been old enough for core principles to have been planted firmly.

He prayed Bingley, who had written of his engagement a month earlier, would be faithful to Miss Bennet. If he learned otherwise, he was unsure he could stomach a continuation of their friendship. Not all of his friends made choices like his own, but not all of his friends would be in the position of near-brother to Elizabeth.

As in years past, Darcy once again worked side-by-side with his tenants to make repairs to their small homes. He had always shared a camaraderie with these men that he did not feel for other people of birth so far below his own. This summer, however, he caught himself daydreaming as he worked. Mr. Hall was a fine father and a hard worker. His daughter, who was twelve, was modestly and neatly dressed. Darcy had seen Miss Hall teaching her younger brother and sister to read.

He could not help but see Elizabeth in such a situation. Would it have been so bad for her to grow up in this way? The Hall family was among the happiest he had ever known. Mrs. Hall supported her husband and cared for their children. She was industrious and kind. As he spoke more to them while assisting with extensive repairs on their home, Darcy found he respected both Mr. Hall and his wife far more than most of the people he had interacted with in London this Season.

He shook his head and laughed at himself. He had alternately been trying to deny or justify his love for Elizabeth for almost eighteen months. This would not do. He could not pretend tenant farmers were his equals.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Elizabeth no longer had any tutors, but she kept herself as occupied as ever. She had reduced her time at the Foundling Hospital to only twice per week at the height of the Season, but after Edith’s marriage, she went as often as she had the year before.

Still, as autumn set in and the dreary London winter approached, Elizabeth felt the lack of friendships in her life more strongly. Priscilla rarely wrote from her home in Wales, and Edith would live in Somersetshire when she returned from her wedding trip to the north of England and Scotland. Jane’s letters had decreased dramatically once her father had given her permission to write to Mr. Bingley at the end of July. Mary continued to write every two or three months, as she had always done, not increasing her frequency once she wore spectacles regularly. Elizabeth’s other friends she felt close enough to call on had returned to country estates, were visiting friends with country estates, or had married and departed town.

She craved conversation and laughter. She craved acceptance and love. Her aunts and uncles loved her, with the obvious exception of Aunt Bennet. Mary and Jane loved her. She was ashamed, though, to know she needed their love more than they needed hers. They had more people to care for them, and she would be left behind by them as surely as Edith and Priscilla had left her.

If she ever did marry, her husband would not be accepted by any of her friends or cousins. She knew now more than ever before that her uncle’s demand for her to marry a gentleman had been not only ridiculous but cruel. She might have found a tradesman with her uncle’s help, but she should never have considered herself worthy of a gentleman.

Elizabeth sat at the edge of her bed and looked out the window at yet another gray day. Between the rain dripping down the panes and the tears filling her eyes, the world before her was a blur. She had done her best to appear cheerful these past months, but in reality, she felt anxious and ill. Her shoulders sagged, and she struggled to hold her head up. As she wondered why she was putting forth the effort, she let her chin hit her chest, and she curled up on herself even more, lying on her bed so she could still watch the tracks of rain on the windows if she bothered to open her eyes.

She was exhausted. The effort of pretending insults did not bother her had become overwhelming in the past several months. She could withstand only so much, especially as she knew most of the rumors were true. If she attempted to attract a gentleman of any level, she really would be an upstart, a fortune hunter, a social climber, and all the other epithets that had been whispered for her to hear.

She had heard most of the insults for years. Elizabeth was not new to loneliness, either. It had come and gone from the time she was still at Longbourn. Now, though, she felt hopeless. She was ready to give up all pretenses of living as a gentlewoman. Even a position as a governess might be out of her reach if Miss Bingley continued to spread her vile words. If an employer asked her about her background, how could she continue to evade talk of her birth? Although she did not easily volunteer it, she had always told anyone who asked her the supposed truth Uncle Bennet had given her, but even this would not be honest enough forever.

The previous Sunday, Elizabeth had sat with the Gardiners as usual in the family pew at St. Helen’s Bishopsgate. The history she had learned in almost four years attending this church made her comfortable there, even welcome.

In the early thirteenth century, a Catholic nunnery was added to the existing church. After more than three hundred years, the nuns were forced to disband when King Henry VIII installed the Church of England throughout the nation. Some of the buildings the nuns had used were still present until only a decade before. If Elizabeth had the option of becoming a nun, would she take it? She could serve God all her life and not be judged by outsiders. It had become a more attractive idea of late. She thought it unfortunate her Anglican beliefs did not allow nuns.

Darcy was exhausted. He smiled. His primary goals of late were to take care of his estate and his sister and to hide his inner thoughts from everyone but his cousin Richard. His cousin had allowed him to wax poetic on Elizabeth’s charms the previous week when they had met in London. Darcy had gone to retrieve Georgiana from school, and the three of them had filled several cold December days in town before he and his sister had convinced Richard to return to Pemberley with them.

Perhaps it was not in his best interests to have someone to converse with about Elizabeth every day; it put him both in better spirits and deeper despair. Hence his push to work himself hard enough to end each day depleted of energy. He was too busy to think on her much while he worked. Then he slept soundly and was nearly guaranteed Elizabeth would appear in his dreams. Though unstated as a fourth goal, when he awoke in her arms, he counted himself successful. Until the pain replaced the false joy and he had to start again to put her out of his mind.

His cousin, who knew nothing of the dreams, had told him his cycle was unsustainable. Richard knew why he worked himself to the bone. He knew vaguely that he was haunted by Elizabeth’s image and her voice, even the feel of her hand in his, whenever he sat long enough without an occupation.

He had admitted to himself about a year ago that he loved Elizabeth. He could not have her as his wife, but he loved her. It could never come to anything, but he comforted himself that he at least knew what it was to love. Some people never received such a gift in their lifetimes.

One night, when he mentioned his love for Elizabeth, Richard laughed at him.

“Are you serious? Do you honestly think you are in love with her?”