Page 38 of Seein’ Red

“I don’t know, but that wasn't it.” Shaking his head, trying to understand, he lets out a long, exaggerated exhale. I know exactly how he feels, and there aren’t words to cover it. “So there really are no angry husbands. All this time it’s been…”

“I told you there weren’t any damn husbands!” I shout.

Fuck, how many times have I had to defend this?

“Yeah, but the part you left out, was that it was Willa Hayes,” he counters.

Fair point…

"How? When?” he asks.

“Junior year in college.”

“Junior year in…” Noel runs both his hands though his hair, eyes wide in shock. It’s a lot to take in. I get that. Which is why I give him a moment to find his words. “So you two have been sneaking around for…fuck, Nash. She’s always been your kryptonite.”

That she has…

He plops down in my office chair, the suddenness of his movement sending it rolling backward. I stay put, allowing him space to process it all. Part of me feels like a weight has been lifted off me, letting the person who is like my other half in on the biggest secret of my life. Another part feels even more weighed down from the guilt of keeping it from him for so damn long.

I ease myself into the other chair, leaning forward and resting my forearms on my knees, looking directly at him, meeting his gaze.

“You know how I feel about her.”

“Feel?” he asks, confirming the verb tense.

I nod. “Feel. Nothing’s changed since high school. Fuck, nothing changed since junior high! Still her name I shout when I…how’s Bee put it?”

“Self-completing.”

“That’s it.” I snap my fingers. “Still can’t believe Mama told her that story.”

Noel scoffs. “Oh, I can. Mama’s just so happy to have another woman around to talk to that I’d be shocked if Bronwyn doesn’t know every last embarrassing story and secret this family has.”

I chuckle. He’s probably right. Let’s not lie here, either—having our mother accidentally walk in on me jacking off, saying Willa’s name, as a teenager isn’t the worst story that the woman could share about me.

“And how does she feel?” he asks.

“You know exactly how she feels—hates my fucking guts. That part, everything y’all witness, isn't an act. That hasn’t changed. I was still a chickenshit dumbass and lost the only glimmer of a chance that I had.”

“Yet, she’s pregnant.”

“Guess I’m still good for something.” I throw my hands out in exasperation, leaning back in the chair. Fuck, this is a mess.

“Hate really fuels that fire, huh…”

“You have no idea, man. No idea.”

Noel laughs, the deep, hearty kind that only comes when surrounded by the ones you love. Looking him up and down, it’s like staring in a mirror, our genetics not giving a damn that we’re fraternal rather than identical. Our lack of difference in looks is made up in personality though, Noel’s strong silent type the yin to my boisterous, outgoing yang.

He’s also the one who always has wise, sage advice stored away for just the right moment. This, I hope, is one of them.

“So, whatcha gonna do?”

“What I should have done all those years ago.”

Regret fills the air, the gnawing in my gut turning sour. I’m not the kind of guy to dwell on his past—what's done is done and that’s that. But this…what happened between Willa and me—that I dwell on. Not a day goes by I don’t think about all the things I could have done differently. All the ways I could have potentially made things right. Where we might be if I had manned up. Or better yet, if I hadn’t fucked up in the first place.

“Exactly what I told you to do with Bee,” I continue. “Show her the real me. Let her in. Which is why I need the farmhouse. So I can show her that I’m in this. I’m committed to her, and our baby, and the whole nine.”