Page 104 of Hiding in the Outfield

“How would it be any different from right now?”

Oh, sweet Jackson. We’ll get there.

“And when you move up, you’ll be a couple hours away, which is tough enough under regular circumstances. There’s also the possibility of a trade. You could end up across the country. You could end up in fucking Canada.”

“Maddy and East do it. So do Stone and Shane.” He juts out his chin, that pretty square jaw flexing. “We could do long distance too.”

It’s not the same. And I hate to have to be the one to kill the hope shining back at me.

I draw in a steadying breath. “I have never lived a day of my life in the closet, Jackson. I won’t start now.”

The glow in his eyes flickers out.

“I’m not sure there’s a closet that could contain all of this.” I wave my hand in front of myself. “People see me and assume I’m gay. Take away the eyeliner and tone down the sass, and maybe it wouldn’t be as obvious, but we could never pull off what Maddy and East do. Nor Shaney-babe and Jed. People would wonder why you’re hanging out with a gay man all the time. Maddy and East can go on a date, and no one blinks twice. It’s just two dudes out for a bite to eat.”

I pick at the bleached-white duvet. “I’m sorry, Jackie, but it wouldn’t work unless I was your dirty little secret.” I close my eyes as a wall of pain comes rushing at me. “I’ve been that before. I won’t ever be that again,” I whisper.

Lips land on mine, on the tip of my nose, then over each eyelid. My eyes flutter open and catch on those misty blues.

He coasts his knuckle back and forth underneath my chin. “You’re right, Frankie. You deserve someone who loves you out loud. Who wants the entire world to know how lucky they are to have your love, to get to love you in return.”

I smile weakly at him. I’m glad he understands, even if my heart’s withering away in my chest.

“I want to be that person.”

My smile freezes on my face. A-what now? “I beg your finest pardon.”

He tugs me close, and my chest crashes into his. He cups the back of my head, blue eyes resolute. “I want to be that person.”

My withering heart stalls, life trickling back into it. “W-what?” I breathe.

“I want to be the one who gets to love you.” His fingers dig into my skull. Our breaths mingle in the inch of space between us. “I want the world to know I’m that lucky man.”

I shake my head, eyes wide. He has no idea what he’s saying. He’s lost his damn mind.

“Let me be that man, Frank.”

My heart is in my throat, my lungs have gone on hiatus, and my stomach has tied itself in a pretty little bow.

“Jackson,” I choke out. “Babe, think about what you’re saying. You just accepted this part of yourself. Don’t run before you can walk.”

He leans his forehead against me. “I’m not walking. I’m not running. With you…” His lips skim over mine. “With you, I fly.”

Jackson pulls back. “I can do this, Frank. I want to do this. And we can still ease into it. It’s not like tomorrow I’ll be doing a press conference and decorating my cubby with rainbow flags. Stone is quietly out. I can start with the Jetties organization and my teammates. I mean, think about how many queer guys are already on the team. This is actually the best time for me to do this. And Shane and Easton are on their way to the big leagues, so we’ll all end up on the Jetties together. Nebs too. And even though I still think he hates my guts, I know he’d be supportive of this.”

I love what he’s saying. So fucking much. But still, I hesitate. It feels like I’ve forced his hand, and that doesn’t sit right with me.

He studies me. “You’re still questioning.”

I reach for his hand and tangle our fingers together. “I want you to do this for you. Not for me. This is something you need to do for Jackson.”

I trace the heavy brow that gives him that delicious brood I love so much. “There are consequences, love,” I say in a hushed voice. “Ugly ones. How would your family react? What will it mean for baseball? How will the backlash affect your mental health? It’s something you need to be ready for, not done on a whim.”

I kiss him softly, then pull back and cradle his jaw. “I’m not saying it’s not worth it. I just want you to think about everything that will come along with it. If you try to fly before you’re ready, Jackie, all you’ll do is fall.”

He chews on his bottom lip. Finally, he nods. “Okay, Frankie,” he whispers.

And there goes my foolish heart again, withering away to nothing.