Page 8 of Hiding in the Outfield

He laughs, and the derision in it barely registers. I’m numb to it. I’m numb to a lot of things.

My eyes find Nebs, and I jerk back. He looks like he’s a minute from knocking my face in. My gaze skitters to Michaels—who’s no different. And that guy is never not smiling.

“Dude. I was just making a joke. Chill guys.”

Nebs crosses his arms, and his top lip turns up. “What was the joke?”

The locker room goes quiet at his loud pronouncement. At the challenge in it.

I open my mouth, but I choke on my words. What the fuck is going on? I look around, sweat building on the back of my neck. I twitch at the uncomfortable feeling. “You know, man…”

“No, I really don’t. One of you explain it to me.” He steps forward, and I barely hold my ground even though I tower over him at six-foot-six. “What’s so funny about two guys jerking each other off? I’m waiting for the punchline.”

“You’re awfully sensitive over this, Nebiolo. You got something to tell us?” Dev matches Nebs’s derision and raises him. “That girlfriend of yours just a cover? We all know it runs in your family.”

Shit. This is escalating. Dev says it like he’s talking about a disease, and that’s kind of how the world treats anyone who’s queer. I remember a kid in high school who moved towns to escape the shit people put him through for being gay. My dad was downright cheery about it. Said it was good to get that kind of thing out of our town. Wonder what he’d think if he found out that thing lives under his roof.

“Doesn’t matter how I identify. It doesn’t give either of you the right to be homophobic assholes.”

I almost laugh. At the pathetic fucking irony. At least no one ever suspects me, right?

“Bro, relax,” Dev says and rolls his eyes. “No one can take a fucking joke anymore. Everyone’s so damn sensitive these days. You’re literally the only one who cares. It’s not like anyone here is gay. Besides maybe you, since you’re all pissy about this.”

“Not true.”

I startle, and my attention falls on Stone.

“You both know I’m queer,” Stone says.

I barely hold back my laugh. Is he for real? “But you don’t count, Pebs. You’re like mostly straight. I’ve only ever seen you with women.” Do you know what I would fucking give to at least have that option?

Stone’s jaw ticks, and holy fucking shit. I thought Nebs was scary a minute ago? I legit want to fucking high-tail it out of here. I think Stone wants to murder me.

“So glad you can forgive my queerness because I tend to pick up women,” he spits out. “Because making sure you’re not made uncomfortable is all I’m concerned with.”

Shit. That is not what I meant at all. Doesn’t he understand how lucky he is? I tried so damn hard to be straight. People in this world think if you’re exposed to queer individuals and queer love, it’ll somehow make you gay. Well, I fully drowned myself in heterosexuality, and it did nothing. If anything, it just made who I am that much clearer. Stone has the option to be what society expects, what they denote as normal. Without it destroying him inside.

“You think I don’t count?” He shakes his head at us. “Let me fix that for you. Because you don’t get to decide which parts of me count and erase the parts that make you uncomfortable. I like men. I sleep with men. Jerking off in a shower with a man sounds pretty fucking great to me. Better yet, I’d enjoy jerking him off. Does that help? Am I gay enough for you now?”

I open my mouth, but again, I don’t know what to say. I’m not used to having to defend my homophobic stances… That’s what I’ve always grown up around—everyone has always held the same beliefs. Now I’m confronted by multiple people at once on the opposite side of this? Dev and I are actually outnumbered. My chest tightens, and I struggle to draw in a breath.

“Nebs had it right,” Stone says quietly. “There’s nothing funny about who somebody loves. You threw that joke out like it’s an insult to be queer. You’re not harmlessly teasing or ragging; it comes from a place of hatred and disapproval. Keep your bigoted views out of this clubhouse.”

I drop my gaze to the floor and ball my fists. He’s right. It does come from a place of hatred.

Self-hatred.

“I’d ask the same of your queerness,” Dev shoots back. “But we’re fucking stuck with you.”

My body goes tight.

That. That right there…

I have lived a life surrounded by Devs. I couldn’t possibly count the number of times my dad made comments about me being gay in high school, saying I was less of a man because I hadn’t brought home girls like my brother.

How come you never bring girls around, Jackson?

Jacob was sneaking girls over at thirteen.