Page 90 of Everything But Mine

Simo exhales. “Che cazzo.” What an asshole. He smirks.

It grates me, the insult. “He’s my baby’s dad.”

Simo blinks. “Oh. Well, of course, biological fathers are important. Let’s take a walk and talk.”

I shake my head. “No, Simo. Eric’s not the father like that. But he is the father, and he is my partner.”

That catches Simo off guard. For the first time all day, he gets it. We’ve been done for years.

“Is he really going to do it, Amanda? Raise a child who isn’t his? That’s a hell of a commitment.” His accent thickens with each word.

“Yes,” I say.

“Tra il dire e il fare, Amanda…” Between saying and doing.

And we’ve been crossing that sea for months. The second my baby’s heartbeat flickered on a screen while Eric sat beside me, silent, stunned, but still there. And beyond that, we’ve been folding laundry, buying groceries, and arguing about how much we need a home office. That’s not talk. That’s figuring out how to do.

“Lo fa, Simo.” I want Simo to know. He does.

Simo nods. “And he’s a good guy? He’s good to you?” He’s looking at me tenderly again, and now that he isn’t attacking Eric, I can give him a little of mine in return.

“He’s the best.”

Simo nods again. “Bene allora, capisco.” Well, then. I understand. “Better go get him.” He tips his head toward the doors. “He was pissed at you.”

By the time I get home, it’s been over an hour since Eric left the reception. The door to my home stands in front of me. It may be his apartment, but he’s made my home these past three months. I hold the key in my hand, tracing the dents and grooves of the metal and pressing it into my finger pad until it takes a few seconds for my skin to return to its natural color. I do think of the last time that I used his key, and I hyperventilate. Today, it was me who hurt him, and I’m not to blame for his mistakes, but if I’m building anything with him… Therapeutic exposure works better if you don’t chicken out halfway, Val’s words echo in my head.

It’s fucking time.

I slide the key into the lock, the metal catching with a soft click, louder in the stillness of the apartment. I turn it and step inside. The lighting is muted, shadows stretching long across the room without quite hiding anything.

Eric is on the couch, legs stretched out, with an open bottle of beer hanging loosely between his fingers. His eyes are clear and sharp. There’s maybe a sip or two missing. The buttons in his shirt are undone all the way through, the wrinkled fabric pooling around his bare torso. The ink on his chest is on display, calling to me.

He doesn’t look at me.

I close the door behind me and stand next to the kitchen counter, at the edge of the living room area. I wait in silence for him to speak or make a move, wondering if this is how impatiently powerless he’s been feeling about everything between us.

“You used the key,” he says, taking a swing from his bottle, eyes fixed on the large windows to his right. “I didn’t think you’d come tonight.”

I shake my head. “I came home. To you.”

He laughs once, sharp and small. Not amused. “To me?” he says, slowly dragging a hand down his face. “I’m not a fucking place to go back and forth from.” He tightens his hand into a fist over his mouth, as if he’s trying to stop the words from spilling out too fast. “I have worked so fucking hard to show you I can be okay with whatever you give me.” His voice is low but controlled. “And you—you—” His hand drops to his side, deflated of energy. “Do you want to tell me who that guy was today, Amanda?”

“He’s just a friend, Eric.”

He winces at the word friend, his shoulders recoiling inward into a curved line. “You mean a friend like me?” He finally meets my eyes when his voice cracks.

His deep amber eyes swirl with pain, but they’re edged with restraint, sparing me from his pain. Even at his worst, his instinct is to save me from himself.

“Nobody in my life is like you.”

He lets out a tortured huff. “But you’ve fucked him, yeah?”

I lick my lips, nodding. “Back in Italy.”

He stands up, the liquid in the bottle swishing with the abrupt motion. “And you thought about it today.”

I shake my head.