Page 40 of Keeping Score

And really, it was more Brody and all his comments like,

When we have a kid I can’t wait to teach them how to skate.

When we have a kid I can’t wait to get them a baby-sized jersey.

When we have a kid I can’t wait for all of us to go to the park on the weekends.

Always these minuscule scenarios with no regard to the practicality of what that life would actually entail for us.

“I mean, this is the future from when we talked about it.”

“Brody, stop,” I told him. “It’s not the right time. Do you get that?”

His face transformed, as if he were in the midst of some great epiphany.

“You’re totally right, Mags,” he said, taking a step toward me. I stilled, cautious. “I’m sorry, I just got excited. We’re not even married yet.”

“Right,” I sighed in relief, clutching at the excuse for why the timing wasn’t right. “That definitely has to come first.”

“I know,” he said as I let him wrap me in a hug. “Trust me, I’m on the same page as you there.”

I tried to relax, I really did. Tried to lean into him in the way that usually felt so safe.

But no matter how hard I tried to tell myself that he was right. We were on the same page. Nothing was going to change.

I couldn’t help but feel like I was on the edge of a precipice.

The Dance

Twenty Years Ago

Maggie

It was the night of the father-daughter dance when I finally lost it.

It had been a month and a half since Dad left, but I’d been holding out hope that tonight would be the night he came home.

He knew about the dance. He agreed to take me when the slip came back at the start of the year. We signed up. I had a dress—purple with navy blue flowers embroidered on.

I had daydreamed about him remembering the date of the dance and showing up on our doorstep with a corsage for me and open arms ready to twirl me around before we went to the elementary school.

It was just in the gymnasium. It wasn’t anything special. But I had been so excited to spend a night alone with my Dad. I thought I could impress him, if I finally had him to myself.

I could recite all the math facts I’d learned. I would wow him with how mature I spoke, so he could be proud of me like he was of Liam. I even practiced dancing alone in my room so I wouldn’t step on his feet during the dance.

It was going to be a good night.

And even though he’d been gone and we hadn’t heard from him, I got ready anyway. He wouldn’t let me down. I knew he wouldn’t.

But the clock ticked, and even though my eyes were glued to the window, my Dad’s car never pulled up.

I waited. And I waited. And I waited.

And then my mom came out, her own eyes still red from crying.

I turned away from her, angry at the very sight.

It was her fault Dad was gone. She was the one he left.