Page 29 of My Family

Harry nods. Puts his glasses back on. And just like that, the mask is back, almost. The smile doesn't quite reach his eyes the way it usually does, the performance is a half-beat behind where it normally sits, but he's trying. He's assembling himself back into Harry, piece by piece, in front of us.

I watch him do it. I think about how much energy that must take. Every single day, just to exist in a room.

We drift to our bunks eventually. Harry lies back and stares at the ceiling, arms folded behind his head. Jack rummages in his trunk, finds a sketchbook, and starts doodling. Miles flips open his book, but his eyes are distant, not really reading. Liam sits cross-legged on his bed, staring at the wall with his chin in his hand, chewing the inside of his cheek.

I look at all of them. This room, these four people. Jack who is losing his sister's shop and still told Harry nothing's going to happen to him. Miles who says almost nothing and meant everything by the hug he gave Jack at lunch last week. Liam, who asked me to tell him about Tyler and then just listened, all the way through, without flinching. Harry, who just broke down in front of us, which might be the bravest thing I've seen anyone do in this building.

I think about Tyler saying if you leave, I won't make it. I think about Harry's hands open in his lap, not working any angle, just sitting there. I think about Liam's fingers tightening around mine on the courtyard bench, and the promises we made. I think about a hospital an hour away, and what it means to be building something that reaches outside these walls, and whether the things I'm building inside them are strong enough to survive the distance.

I don't know. I don't know any of it. The room settles into darkness. One by one the sounds thin out, Jack's pencil going still, Harry's breathing evening out, Miles turning a page and then not turning another.

Liam's voice comes from across the room, barely above a whisper. "Daddy?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"You okay?"

I look at the ceiling. Down the hall, someone laughs, then stops.

"Not really," I say. Which is the most honest thing I've said in so long.

A pause. Then: "Me neither. Can I lie down with you?"

"Please," I say. He crosses the room and I shift over. He tucks himself against me.

I close my eyes. The room breathes around me, five people in the dark, all carrying something.

So I try to sleep.

For a long time, I fail.

But eventually, I don't.

Chapter 11. Liam

I'm supposed to be in the rec room, but things have been tense. Reed hasn't shown up, Harry avoids open spaces like the plague. Jack has been sad since his sister's news and pretends he's fine by talking too loudly and laughing too much. Miles is Miles. Mason is gone. And Ethan has been in his office more often. I think he's trying to mentally prepare for Tyler's arrival, or for his clinicals. I don't feel like wandering, talking to kids I don't know well.

So, I go look for the only person I want.

Technically, we're not allowed to leave the rec room during rec time, but I sneak out, telling the guard next to the door that I'm going to the bathroom. Then I hug the walls, looking as innocent as I can.

The hallways are in "energy saving" mode, which means only half the lights are on, the spaces between them dark. It's scary and exciting. There's a thrill in breaking the rules, and I love it.

I sneak into the admin building, take the stairs two at a time, and find my favorite door. I knock, quietly, and don't wait for him to say anything. It's unlocked, so I open it, slide in and close it behind me. He's at the desk, writing in the blue notebook he uses for shift reports. He looks up, and for a second, he looks serious. Then the corners of his eyes soften, and he smiles. I relax a little because I’d been afraid that he'd be mad I'm here.

"Hey," he says.

"Daddy!" I exclaim. I'm physically unable to stop being so excited when I see him.

He puts down the pen, sits back. "You're not supposed to be up here, you little naughty brat."

I grin. "Report me, then."

He doesn't smile back, but his eyes get brighter. "Come here," he says, dominant as ever, and taps his thigh. My mouth immediately waters.

I sit on his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck, and he hugs my waist, burying his face in my neck for a second, inhaling my scent. It's so good to feel his strong arms around me, his warmth, his scent. I completely forget everything I was stressing about.

"What are you doing here, puppy?"