Page 55 of My Family

"Yes, we'd be fucking half-asleep."

"That sounds perfect."

"It does, doesn't it."

We lie there, breathing into the dark. I know we can't. I've known since before I opened my mouth. They'd send cops for us, we'd be wanted, which sounds badass, but actually means you won't ever be able to have a life unless you escape the country, and I have no money, and I wouldn't be able to get a job. My program. My progress. The sessions with Dr. Herrera, the kitchen shifts with Lu, MMA with Griff, our little family in that dorm room.

Ethan knows it too, of course. He wouldn't let me do it, not in a million years, and he'd never do it himself.

"We can't," he says.

"I know."

"But after."

I look at him, maybe a little too surprised.

After. After release, after the degree and our counselors saying we're okay to go back to society, and the judge deciding we aren't menacing anymore.

"After," I say, "we find each other. No matter what."

"We won't need to find each other." His arm tightens around me. "I'm not letting you out of my sight."

"That's creepy," I say. He chuckles.

"That's a promise. Even if I get out first, I'll wait for you, I told you, and you better start believing me."

"Thank you," I whisper. He kisses my head again. I put my hand on his face and feel him lean into it.

"I've never had a home," I say. I immediately want to take the words back, but I can't. I don't want to ruin the moment being my crybaby self. But it's too late. "Not a real one. My dad tried… but he failed, that's the truth."

His hand covers mine on his face. "You will," he says. "We will."

I want to believe him. I’m terrified to believe him, because I don’t think I could take it if it never happened. I believe him anyway, because the alternative is a world without him and that world isn't one I want to survive.

I press my forehead to his. He presses back. We breathe the same air, and I think about live oaks and runny eggs and a dog with no name yet, and the apartment we'll find, and the life we'll build.

"Stay awake with me," I whisper. "I don't want to waste it sleeping."

"I'm not going anywhere," he says. "You can sleep, baby. You're safe."

So I do. And when I wake up, he's still there.

Chapter 21. Ethan

For our last meal as "free" men, the chefs have outdone themselves. Pancakes, bacon, a bowl of fruit fresh and bright, maple syrup, eggs. A last supper.

Liam sits across from me, and he's barely eating, and he knows I'm watching. I try not to stare. Pushing makes it worse. Watching makes it worse. The only thing that doesn't make it worse is being present without pressure.

Jack is scrolling frantically on his phone, and I doubt he's paying attention to anything at all. He's just chasing the endorphins before they're taken away.

"This is pathetic," Harry says.

He's standing by the coffee machine, arms crossed. He's been watching all of us with growing irritation.

"Look at you. You'd think we were heading to the gas chamber. Cut the drama. It's not prison, it's Aspire. We've got beds, decent food, and each other. Which, by the way, is more than most people on this planet can say, so maybe stop acting like the world is ending because you have to give back a phone and sleep on a mattress that doesn't have a thread count."

We all look at each other. I wasn't expecting anything like that from Harry, the dealer, the sarcastic clown.